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Even if you’ve known someone for well over a decade, you may eventually discover they have a disconcerting dark side. They maybe have had that dark side all along, and you just missed out on the signals and warning signs that could have warned you to stay away long before.
But how do you know? Well, Bustle recently reported on seven creepy questions to ask (according to experts) if you want to find out if that person is hiding a dark side and this information is important to know, even if it probably will ruin your day, and maybe what you consider to be an important friendship.
Milana Perepyolkina, author of Gypsy Energy Secrets: Turning a Bad Day into a Good Day No Matter What Life Throws at You, told Bustle that dark sides usually come out when we experience a blow to our ego. "It's very important to know that feeling anger, jealousy, and even hatred does not make us bad people," Perepyolkina says. But acting upon them in a destructive way can.
That's why she says knowing about your dark side and accepting it as part of being human can help you stop unleashing it on others.
So here’s the questions we’re supposed to know to ask:
Siobhan Johnson, a professional witch, told Bustle, it’s not even the reason people got angry that matters, but rather how they behave when they are angry. "You should look out for things like losing it at innocent people, violence, pettiness, etc.," she says. If someone is behaving in extreme ways over minor things, that’s a red flag.
We know there’s always more than one side to a story. But this response will show how someone behaves when they think they’ve been wronged. "You're watching for people taking offense over small matters, taking revenge, being unaware of their own part in the story, or twisting things to make them seem like a constant victim," Johnson says. "If bad things keep happening to someone, chances are the problem is them."
"Most of our 'issues' begin at home," Johnson says. It may be a matter of crossing boundaries, or invading space, and it will give an idea if they have something to hide.
Pay attention to the reaction. If they have a dark side, they will love the chance to share it. Relation expert April Masini told Bustle, "They’ll be glad you asked and playful about letting you in." If they share a story about cutting school to go to the mall? Probably not all that dark.
"If they are honest with you, you’ll probably learn a lot about them personally, including if they have insight into their own life choices," licensed professional counselor, Heidi McBain, MA, LMFT, tells Bustle. You are looking to see how self-aware your friend is, and to see the difference between right and wrong and to acknowledge when they've made bad choices, and made the effort to change for the better. This is how you can tell if someone is emotionally mature.
"How we deal with pain shows our darkest side," Perepyolkina says. It's important to see how a person deals with being hurt or frustrated, and if they have the ability to move on without lashing out.
This is more about what they don't say. "It's normal and healthy to have regrets about our past relationships. It's how we learn and grow," Amica Graber, an expert with background check site, TruthFinder, told Bustle. "Those with strong narcissistic traits rarely feel regret or remorse over their actions."
If you see these signs in a friend, don't freak out too much yet. All of us have a dark side. It's how you handle it and how you move past it that ultimately makes the difference.
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