Adam Roa: How I Finally Got Over My Ex
The final few months of 2019 were spent battling through incredible depths of pain and sadness as I dealt with a breakup. Even though we had only dated a year, I had fallen deeply in love and the separation was difficult because I constantly found myself questioning whether or not it was the right decision. So much of our relationship worked incredibly well and it had felt like we were divinely aligned to be together, but it ended with her lying to me and subsequent inner turmoil as I explored whether I could forgive her or not.This period of time created a whirlwind of triggers of our past wounding, social media blocking, and eventually, months of no communication. I wasn’t very pleased with how she was handling the situation and I imagine she felt the same way towards my own actions. I desired to move on, and yet, I couldn’t seem to let go. That’s when a powerful plant medicine ceremony unlocked a perspective shift that would become the key to my freedom. And it all started the moment we met.I go into detail about my Ayahuasca journey in my Deep Dive Podcast “How I Finally Got Over My Ex” which you can watch on Youtube, or listen to on Spotify, Soundcloud, and iTunes. It was love at first sightMeeting this woman was an out-of-body experience, unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my life. It was like someone took a hold of the controls and told me: You must meet this woman, right now. Time seemed to stand still, everything went quiet, and she was all I could see. More than walk over to her, I floated, and introduced myself. Thus began a whirlwind of a ride that culminated in the swirl of sadness as it ungracefully concluded.While sitting in meditation, sobbing, watching the film strip of memories flash through my mind’s eye, I felt despair. How could something so magical end in such pain? How could something I had felt so sure of suddenly be nothing more than memories? I found myself going deeper into the resistance to what was happening, suffering through it, when a voice in my head rang out, “Would you rather you never met her?” In that moment, everything shifted.Instantly, I realized that I would choose the path of being with her every time over again, if it were presented to me again. I would choose to repeat our relationship even if I knew the outcome would be the same. Her presence in my life and our relationship had made me a better person. Because of our relationship, I am a better human, a better artist, a better lover, and a better partner. I am better in every conceivable way because of what we shared. Yes, it hurts to no longer be walking hand-in-hand through life with her, but I got to live my dream.I would choose her. Every. Single. Time. And that means our relationship was a gift in which I got to live the best possible choice for my soul; it was my dream life. And just because it ended in a way that I didn’t anticipate and that caused a lot of pain, it does not mean that it wasn’t aligned with everything that I wanted. Our relationship was a beautiful part of the journey I want, and that allows me to look back without regret.While this was a major breakthrough, the real work was in applying it to my life. Giving myself the space to heal and learning to love myself more than ever before. I’ve outlined some of the tools I used to do this in my FREE “5 Days Of Dating Yourself” journey so that you can be supported in your own self-love process.The part where I moved onAfter having my realization, all there was left to do was celebrate. I was able to celebrate the relationship for what it was and the love and time we spent together. My understanding that I would choose my ex again moved me into a space of deep appreciation that allowed me to love her more than I did while I was trying to move on from our breakup. I was no longer a victim living some sad reality, but a warrior who had been through the battlefield of love and come out victorious. With beautiful lessons and eternal memories.I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have difficult days or sad moments. But during the painful part of the breakup, I was focused on the parts of me that were upset and angry, reminding myself of the lies and what I hadn’t yet forgiven. Now, I have a new foundation to view the whole relationship (and breakup). Even though we’ll end up dating new people, it takes nothing away from the experiences and love we shared, and the people we have become as a result. There’s a certain sweetness to celebrating something that has ended, like a static memory of looking back in time. No matter what it is that someone may be struggling to let go of, that resistance is actually a sign of how much that person cares. So as we move through life, we get to align ourselves with love as often as we possibly can. We get to observe how deeply we have allowed ourselves to love, and be in gratitude for the ones brave enough to love us along the way. As always, in all ways… You are seen. You are heard. You are loved.With love,Adam RoaMore inspiring stories:Adam Roa: Why It’s Called a “Self-Love Practice”Will These 36 Questions Make You Fall in Love?Split Decisions: Is Your Relationship Really Over or Does It Just Need Work?What Is Your Partner’s Love Language? And What to Buy Them For Valentine’s Day
Adam Roa: Why It's Called a "Self-Love Practice"
How do you get better at something? You practice. This applies to anything and everything, no matter the subject or the length of time you may have already spent on it. If you want to get better, you practice. Self-love is no different. Gratitude is no different. Living the life that you want to lead is no different. You are able to make the shifts necessary to love yourself more, appreciate life, and live your dreams if you are willing to put in the practice.So what does that actually mean? What does it look like to be in the practice of self-love? I lost myself in my relationshipsRecently I have been processing two different breakups and for the first time in 11 years I find myself needing to show up for myself as the true foundation to my happiness. That might seem obvious or even basic knowledge, but being in a relationship for over a decade straight, I’ve come to realize how much of my happiness I was assigning to someone else. If I was feeling happy, in a good energetic place, I’d be all over my self-love activities. I’d be crushing it when it came to my exercise, meditation, eating habits, etc. But then there would be those days or weeks where I felt so low, where it felt like the world was overwhelming, I was stressed or sad. During these times, I would rely on my romantic partner. I’d go to them and, in a way, I’d use them to help me feel better. The immediate response of being hugged, kissed, and told how much I was loved became my go-to response to feelings of heaviness. And why wouldn’t it? It was easy and it felt so good. Wasn’t this the whole point of a relationship after all?Being single was a teaching momentIt wasn’t until recently, being on my own, that I truly began to see how much room I had to develop my ability to show up for myself in these moments. To still rely on a relationship to feel better, but a relationship with myself, because I am the one person that I can always count on being there no matter what.And there’s a rule that I live by that is simple to understand, and yet sometimes not so easy to implement: give from the overflow. To fill up our own cup so much that we are never depleting ourselves energetically in order to help others. In my travels and work, I meet so many incredible humans who are such givers. They care so much about others that they are willing to run themselves into the ground giving and giving, putting their own mental, emotional, and physical health as an afterthought. But in reality, this is not sustainable. Burnout is inevitable. And how much can we help others if we are completely rundown. And so the foundation of a healthy relationship with ourselves begins with us filling our cups first. This can be done in two steps.Step 1: allow difficult emotions to move throughThis steps begins with listening to yourself. Listening to what your body, mind, and heart are feeling and starting to understand what they are asking for. Are you feeling sad? Don’t spend time judging yourself for it. There’s no need to feel any shame for how you feel, because it’s what you feel and it’s worthy of being felt. Give yourself permission to create a safe space to feel it. Maybe that’s just 10 minutes locked in the bathroom where you know you won’t be disturbed and you can cry. Feeling angry? Self-love might look like going on a hike and screaming from the top of a mountain. There’s no wrong way to process your emotions as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or someone else in the process. And HOW you process is simply based on what YOU enjoy. What works for YOU. And this is learned through practice. Do you even know what works for you? Do you have an idea of what helps you feel better when you’re sad or angry? It’s okay if not, since you’ll learn quickly and get better with time. Step 2: fill the new space with something more desirableAnytime we move emotions through our system, it creates room for new emotion. Most people have had the experience of crying deeply and feeling better afterwards. That’s what happens when we move heavier emotions because under the surface is more love.It’s the essence of who we are. But far fewer people spend time intentionally designing what they want after a good cry or after a healthy screaming session. And yet, this step is incredibly powerful in the overall process.What is it you are calling into your life? Is it more gratitude? Is it more fun? Is it more joy? Once you let yourself feel the heavy emotion and move that energy through in some way, tune in to how you desire to feel now. For me, I’ve released a lot of sadness over the last few months, and I know that I desire to feel more appreciation for myself. So in the times I’ve been feeling sad, I allow myself to move physically through dance, exercise, or stretching. This will often lead to a good cry. After I allow that cry to release the emotion, I spend time appreciating myself. Thinking about how proud I am of my willingness to feel. Acknowledging myself for the courage to face my pain. That’s the routine. It’s really that simple. After months of intentionally doing these steps I am noticing some major shifts in how I feel. I am seeing how much more often I am feeling love for who I am and for the gift of this life. I am spending less time in the heavy emotional states that used to dominate most of my waking hours. I’m experiencing more restful sleep and no longer waking up in the middle of the night from stressful dreams. It’s working.And I’m not going to stop my practice now that it’s working. I’m intentionally doing the opposite. I’m feeling better, so I’m using that as motivation to keep going. I am doubling down and spending more time doing these activities. Self-love for me is a journey, not a destinationIt’s giving me the confidence to go deeper, because I’m trusting the process more and I’m also trusting my ability to handle it. I’m developing my practice into habit, which is how it becomes embodied. I know that over time, I won’t have to worry about how to love myself, because I’ll be living it. I will be a walking billboard for what self-love looks like and that will inspire those around me to go on the journey for themselves. And that drives me. That’s the overflow that I’m so excited to share with the world. You get to be that as well. You get to inspire and encourage those around you to love themselves more, by first learning to do it for yourself. And that’ll come with time. And practice. The fact that you’re reading this shows you want more self-love. It also means that you’re willing to invest your time and energy into developing it. That’s incredible and I want to acknowledge you for it. You’re doing great. Remember to have fun while you continue practicing and to celebrate the moments you notice you’re getting better at it. You’ve got this.If you want to go deeper into this subject and hear some practical activities I have been using in my self-love practice, I invite you to listen to “Why It’s Called A Self-Love Practice” which is a podcast I recorded on the topic. You can find it on Spotify, iTunes, Soundcloud, or watch the video on Youtube. If you want daily inspiration, you are welcome to follow me on Instagram or Facebook, where I’m posting everyday. Furthermore, you can also check out my Facebook live training on how to love yourself first so you can love your life more.You are not alone in this journey. Thank you for being on it with me. As always, in all ways…You are seen.You are heard.You are loved.With love,Adam Roa