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  • Ben Kissam

    Ben helps people achieve more in work, sport and life. He writes on high-performance, goal achievement, and work-life balance. His blog features a daily pursuit of his journey toward his personal goals.
The First Date Rule: How To Be More Compassionate and Self-Loving
Dating

The First Date Rule: How To Be More Compassionate and Self-Loving

Years in, I still cringe at the idea of loving myself. While try to be compassionate to others, it's a struggle to always love myself. But I’ve found a solution that works for me. It will work for others, too. This is a lesson for those of you who may feel same way about self-love. The First Date Rule: How To Be More Compassionate and Self-Loving Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. – M. Scott Peck First, let’s talk about how self-love impacts our ability to achieve goals. It’s a strange paradox that someone with goals is striving to change their life. They are working to change who they are too, and yet they are still told it’s important love themselves as they are. I don’t think I’m the first person to find that just a little irrational. Yet it’s true: you do need to love yourself if you are going to be successful. In fact, without it, you’ll fail -- if not on the path to reaching your goals, then in some other context. Here’s why: There are three components to self-love: self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-belief. Self-acceptance means you took the time to peel back the layers to figure out who you are. It means you’ve accepted all that comes with that realization. We all want to be the best we can be, but knowing what makes you human is a huge advantage for you. The less time you spend trying to please others, the more time you can spend moving along your unique path. Self-respect means you think about your own needs first. You establish healthy boundaries for asking of, receiving from, and giving to others. You say ‘no’, and don't feel bad about it. Respecting yourself in this way frees up time to achieve your goals. It also affords you calculated windows of time to give back. Self-belief means you know that you hold the power. How your life plays out depends on what you choose to do each day. It’s a powerful perspective, and it's loaded with responsibility. But it's also most likely the one to lead you to the promised land. Combine these three things and you’ve got a recipe for loving yourself well. And based on the each description, you can see how self-love improves your ability to achieve goals. The real work is getting people like myself to buy into these things. If I scoff at self-love, or don’t know where to start, what’s the next step? My suggestion is to take self-love outside of yourself. Make it rational. Package it in a way that not only makes sense, but seems desirable. And now, here’s the kicker. You’ve already embodied all three of the components of self-love without thinking. That’s how The First Date Rule For Self-Love was born. Think about the last time you went on a first date. No first date in the history of the world will go well if you argue with, call out, or disrespect the other person. How likely are you to accept what someone shares about their life on a first date? How keen are you to ensure he or she feels respected? The effort -- in this context -- doesn’t even feel like work. It’s the right thing to do. And that’s the part you should internalize and apply to your goals. The First Date Rule is simple: if you wouldn't do it to or around someone else on your very first date, don't do it to yourself. Treat this rule like a filter, and apply it to your thought process and daily actions. Next time you think about how unhappy you are with your progress, think about the language you’re using. Would you talk to another human being you just met like this? You can still challenge yourself, as long as it’s not too excessive. At some point, the dating analogy doesn’t apply to you achieving goals. But it can also prevent negativity from swirling around the mind of someone who lacks compassion for themselves. READ: How to Make Friends with Yourself and Uncover the Inner Dialogue The First Date Rule is a tool for developing character and accountability. It’s a strategy for getting you outside of your own head to objectively interpret your actions. Where do you stand? Here are three examples from common areas of life to get you started with implementing The First Date Rule: Work Love your work, but don't brag about it. Refrain from beating yourself up if you aren't where you'd like to be yet. Your work does not define who you are as a person. Health Eat a moderate amount of food. Be mindful as you eat. Also, don’t be a slob when you eat; you wouldn’t even consider it on a first date. Family Keep track of your commitments. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, and make up for it when you do. Keep healthy boundaries. Talk about your problems and come up with solutions together. Upon further inspection, The First Date Rule For Self-Love is a mindset for doing things the right way. It’s common sense that you’d do these things for a first date. But common sense is rarely common. What about the people already in your life? What about you? For those of you who struggle with the idea of loving yourself, I urge you to give this tool a try. It has changed my life for the better, and it will change yours, too.

100 Credits a Day: The System for Making Stress Work for Your Goals
Emotional Health

100 Credits a Day: The System for Making Stress Work for Your Goals

What is your relationship with stress like? A tough question to answer, if only because the term ‘stress’ takes on many forms and can fall under many different umbrellas. It might be appropriate to first identify how you perceive and classify stress in your life. Maybe you describe stress as the anxious feeling you get when you’re stuck in traffic on the highway or arguing with a family member. Maybe you know that stress can also be a good thing, and that it’s a necessary component to one’s athletic performance. But however you define it, you should know that it’s crucial to effectively manage and cope with stress in order to achieve your goals.100 Credits a Day: The System for Making Stress Work for Your GoalsEvery stress leaves an indelible scar, and the organism pays for its survival after a stressful situation by becoming a little older.-- Hans Selye (1907-1982)Have you ever considered the relationship between stress and your goals?There are two kinds of stress: distress and eustress. Distress is a negative stressor that causes anxiety, decreases our performance, and leaves us feeling like we aren’t in control. Eustress is a positive stressor, can be motivating, helps us focus, and places control in the hands of the person experiencing it.Positive or negative, stress must be managed effectively if you are to achieve great things. There’s a high probability that the eyes on this article belong to ambitious people, possibly working long hours. To achieve great things, your actions must be sustainable. Great results are the culmination of many 1% advancements. How do yours stack up?What you must also understand is that each action, or 1% advancement, is, in some way stressful. Whether it’s distress or eustress, your body is dealing with it, somehow. If you were to study stress further, the first model of stress you would discover is called the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS), designed by the “father of stress,” Hans Selye. This theory will help you understand how crucial it is to deal with stress.The General Adaptation Model is as follows:Stage 1: Alarm -- the initial reaction of the body to a stress is to label the stressor as a threat or danger.Stage 2: Resistance -- once the body has acknowledged the stressor, it uses energy and resources to fight against the stressor.Stage 3: Exhaustion -- as the stressor lingers, the body exhausts itself and gives in. When it’s eustress, stage 3 is when the benefits of things like exercise begin to register. When it’s distress, the exhaustion phase can quickly lead to illness if not handled properly.Everything you see play out in “real life” -- the good and the bad -- happens in stage 3. The benefits of exercise, like improved fitness, weight loss or mental health, don’t arrive until you’ve exhausted your body to a point where it must adapt to the stress. That’s why you’ve probably heard someone say you must lift more or run faster than you did last time to get continue to improve. It's because your body has already adapted to you running at the previous speed. Exercise is generally a eustress, because the benefits of the stress are positive. The flipside, however, is that stress can be devastating if you are routinely subjecting yourself to forms of distress and aren’t coping with them. For example, if you stay up all night working and don’t sleep, your immune system will not have time to repair itself. Eventually, you will get sick and be forced to take time off. How sick? It depends how far into the hole you put yourself. The human body is scarily smart. If you choose not to give it rest or to cope with stress, the body will find a way to get the rest it needs. That might mean you get the flu and are in bed sleeping for days. In cases of chronic, long-term stress left unmanaged, conversations about diseases like cancer become a real threat.READ: Beware of Burnout: Avoid These 4 Obstacles to Work-Life Balance It all depends how far down the wormhole you push yourself, and how long you leave your stress unmanaged.None of this is sustainable for you or your goals, so I implore you to not be one of the internet warriors preaching you must “hustle” past the point of exhaustion to make it. But how do you keep things balanced? There must be a system in place to measure all of this.100 stress credits a dayEnter the 100 Credits A Day Model.If we're given 100 "stress credits" a day to live your best life and work towards your goals, how would you spend them? If once a credit were gone, you could not get it back until the next day, how would that affect your choices? Just like a bank, there will be days where you “overdraw” your 100 credits. That’s life. This is allowed, but those extra credits come out of the next day like a loan, meaning you might start Tuesday with only 90 credits total. It is on you to get out of the debt you create by scheduling time to cope with that stress and let your body repair itself.READ: 7 Scientifically Proven Ways to Reduce Stress at WorkBy now you should understand that effective work-life balance is not spending equal energy in every area of your life. Work-life balance is simply achieving peace of mind in all of life’s arenas. Using this model, which areas of your life would you allocate the most credits towards? 100 credits a day will force you to ask yourself some really hard questions. It will show you just how high the stakes are related to stress. Beep your horn at some idiot on the highway and fume about it for 10 minutes thereafter? There goes five of your credits for the day. Was that exchange really worth it?Pretend you spend 30 on your family, 40 on your work day, and 15 at the gym on a given workday. That leaves you with 15 credits. Where do they go? Can you see how if you chose to invest those 15 credits day after day, making small advancements towards a goal you care about, it would all still work out in the end? How that might be a better approach than staying up all night hustling? Wouldn’t you prefer that to getting sick?READ: Don't Be a Tool: Balancing Work and Well-Being in the Digital AgeNo one can tell you the right or wrong way to do it. It’s your body, your life, and your goals. Stress is a game designed by nature, and she’s undefeated. It’s on you to manage and effectively deal with your stress. Determine the most effective process for spending your daily credits and constantly tinker. Remember the big picture, and that achieving goals won’t matter if you’re too sick to enjoy the benefits of achieving them.But we all only get 100 credits a day to achieve our goals, so spend them wisely.

7 New England Patriots Quotes on What it Takes to Be a Winner
Entrepreneurs

7 New England Patriots Quotes on What it Takes to Be a Winner

The New England Patriots have been the model of consistent success in the NFL since the turn of the century. In an environment where salary caps, injuries, and distractions caused by social media threaten to take teams from their primary focus, the Patriots organization has found a way to always prioritize winning. Their efforts have led to five Super Bowl championships in 17 years.The seven quotes below are from people within the organization over the past 17 years: the owner, head coach, and players like Tom Brady and Tedy Bruschi.Each quote conveys a unique understanding of what it takes to be a winner in life and business. Each of these world-class performers speaks to a model of the world that you can use to inspire your own success.7 New England Patriots Quotes on What it Takes to Be a WinnerMental toughness is doing the right thing for the team when it's not the best thing for you. -- Bill BelichickHow often do you delay feeling good in favor of doing what is right for your business?Coach Belichick makes it clear that the sum is greater than its parts. Sometimes other people and other things must take precedence over what you want most in the moment. In business like in football, being world-class means making sacrifices. Not always getting your first choice is the price one must pay to get to the top.If you choose to do things that you are passionate about, you will not only do them better, but most importantly, you'll be a significantly happier person. -- Robert KraftRobert Kraft is the chairman & CEO of a holding group that owns four professional sports teams and many other companies. He has a net worth 6.2 billion dollars. It stands to reason that he’d be chock full of secrets for conducting successful business.And yet, the most interesting part about this quote is that he’s talking about something attainable by all: choosing to involve yourself in things that you are passionate about. It can’t always feel like work when consistent effort is the goal. You must love what you do to be world-class.The week preceding the game is just as important, if not more important, to prepare yourself mentally to make sure you know the ins and outs of the opposition. It's all about getting ready for Jacksonville. It's a one-game season.-- Tedy BruschiTedy Bruschi was the defensive captain for three Super Bowl championships with the Patriots from 2001-2004.An example of how leadership trickles down, this quote shows how Tedy Bruschi mentally approaches each week.You have to believe in your process. You have to believe in the things that you are doing to help the team win. I think you have to take the good with the bad.-- Tom BradyTrying to be the best does not work. Instead, focus on giving your best each day, and let your ever-evolving process for achieving your goals dictate whether or not you are successful.It is unlikely that you will consistently put in the work or go the extra mile for a cause you don’t believe in.Do your job.-- Bill BelichickThere is no sentence that (arguably) the greatest coach of all time is more famous for than these three words: Do your job.As he explains, “Do your job” simply means focusing and executing on the 1-3 things the team is asking you to do well. It is well known that Coach Belichick values versatile players that can play multiple positions and understand the game at a high level. This mantra explains why; week in and week out as they prepare for new opponents, their “job” may change. The same goes with your business.Remember that what you got you there last time might not always render the same result this time. Become a student of your work and adapt to what’s being thrown at you.I think the great part about what I do is that there's a scoreboard. At the end of every week, you know how you did. You know how well you prepared. You know whether you executed your game plan. There's a tangible score. -- Tom BradyAny worthy pursuit will give feedback on how you’re doing. Tom Brady looks forward to receiving feedback, which means he also embraces failing hard and quickly. Feedback and failure go hand in hand.Take this lesson from arguably the greatest quarterback of all time: feedback is valuable. It gives you a reason to adjust, to tinker, and to keep doing the things that are helping you succeed. When you don’t shy away from feedback, you have data at your disposal that shows you how well you’ve done. There is no guesswork for you to do.There will be a time to reflect back and count them up, but… I’m still chasing it now. It’s a new season; I’m still chasing it.-- Bill BelichickThis quote truly says it all about the New England Patriots and how they perceive success. Success is fleeting. If you spend too much time dwelling on what you’ve done, you’ll miss out on opportunities to do and accomplish more. Where your focus lies is your greatest asset towards achieving your goals, and as such, you need to focus on what matters most.It may be hard to let your successes go; but there will be time. The legacy of your business will stay intact as long as you stay in the trenches, grounded and motivated by the large amount of hard work that must be done.READ: Focused, Humble and Healthy: The High-Performing EntrepreneurIt’s difficult to write a new narrative when you focus too much on reading your own biography. Make the choice to delay gratification and focus on what matters most with your business.

Overcome Failure: The 10 Dos and Don'ts of Regaining Your Confidence
Self-Development

Overcome Failure: The 10 Dos and Don'ts of Regaining Your Confidence

Faced with failure, how do you respond? All of us fall short of our targets from time to time, but how we react is highly individual and, honestly, interesting to interpret. You can learn a lot after a defeat, particularly about your environment and how you label things. For example, when you are disappointed by failure, what do the people in your life say? How do you feel before you share the news that you’ve failed with them? Do they notice before you tell them? When your “thing” -- your business, job, sport, health, etc. -- isn’t getting the results that you’d like, what is the conversation like in your head? Overcome Failure: The 10 Dos and Don'ts of Regaining Your Confidence One possible effect of perceived failure is losing sight of why you felt capable enough to try it in the first place. Said another way, you “lose” your self-confidence after a failure. Some people are resilient enough to wallow in it briefly and bounce out of it, but others let it defeat them. If you are a member of the latter camp, this article will give you the keys to develop the resilience to overcome failure. Defined, self-confidence is merely a belief that you can successfully perform a desired behavior. It’s an important trait to have. Think about how often you perform a task that you believe is utterly impossible or a waste of time. My guess is never. But when your self-confidence is high, research shows that you are able to generate positive emotions, concentrate better, increase effort, and give yourself the momentum to achieve your goals. READ: The 10 Steps to Confidence That No One Told You About The following are the 5 “dos” and 5 “don’ts” of regaining your self-confidence after a defeat. The goal of all of them is to build a resilient internal environment so that when failure smacks you in the face, you can smack right back. One or more of these (whether adding positive habits or removing negative ones) may be the missing piece to regaining your self-confidence and getting back on track. DO Simulate a highly positive environment When you read "simulate," don’t take that as “fake it till you make it.” That’s definitely not useful in trying to regain self-confidence, as you’ll know what you’re doing is a farce. Instead, become hypersensitive to the places and people you are subjecting yourself to. If your recent failure was a big one, the last thing you need right now is to be around someone that labels themself as a “realist.” Whether you take a break from a few people to focus on yourself, or add a positive habit to your day like going to the gym, do what you can to ensure positive things are happening. Increase your expectations of yourself Your failure has you feeling like you aren’t worthy or good enough to achieve that goal. You weren’t capable of doing it before, so why should expect things to be different this time? It’s paramount that you persevere through this line of thinking and establish a higher bar for yourself, even if it scares you. Remember, you will always get what you tolerate. If your expectations of yourself are low, your results will be of low quality. Set a new realistic, but challenging short-term goal Set a goal that is realistic to get you back on track. Make sure that a little sweat equity is necessary to achieve it (read: don’t set a goal that takes no effort), but get an easy win under your belt. It may mean you put your current goal on the backburner, or that you “chunk” down your previous failure to a smaller, more achievable milestone. Think about it this way: if you failed going from step 1 to 2, what would going from step 1 to 1.1 look like? 1.2? 1.3? Ask for feedback You may have failed because you simply didn’t have enough information. While our ego tells us that it’s entirely our fault that we failed, we never actually “own” any of our accomplishments. There are so many factors that go into personal achievement that you may be overlooking something much more simple and easy on your psyche. Seek out someone you trust and ask for feedback. If your failure is still painful, maybe ask for feedback on a previous task that you worked on or for tips on how you might get better in an area. Surround yourself with individuals that are already doing it right It’s been said a million times that modeling is the key to the fastest results. Instead of reinventing the wheel, find someone that has what you want, ask them how they did it, then do it. DON’T Use sarcastic or negative self-talk What good does putting yourself down do? If your self-confidence is low, the last thing you should be doing is making an enemy out of yourself. It’s tempting to be negative about something that didn’t go your way. But this kind of behavior becomes cyclical, and gets harder to shake off as you continue to do it. READ: How to Talk Back to the Hater in Your Head Find a way to interrupt the pattern of telling yourself that you suck so that you can focus on fixing what went wrong. The truth is you must pick one or the other, because you can’t do both of them simultaneously. Pick the right one and stop wasting time. Put stock into the opinions of others What other people think shouldn’t matter, but doubly so right now. Don’t concern yourself with the opinions of others -- regardless of whether your failure was seen in a public light or not. While you should ask feedback from the 1% of people in your life you trust most, 99% of opinions are white noise. They won’t help. Distinguish from and draw boundaries between who you intentionally seek out feedback from and who gives it to you without asking. Self-confidence comes when you get results controlling the things you can control. You will never control what other people say, think or do -- so forget about it. Take criticism personally Because you’re struggling, this is a good time to remember that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. The most negative or critical people in your life are likely the people who have seen and experienced things you can’t understand. Taking the high road is not always easy. In fact, it’s demonstrably more difficult. Don’t internalize or dwell on something someone else probably already forgot they said. Sit around and do nothing Not taking the initiative to change is how you get caught in a cycle. Even the smallest positive action can jumpstart you and put momentum back on your side. Consider what a “win” would look like for you, and get started. Overcompensate The more I coach people through failures, the more I see people trying to overcompensate when things go awry. If going right doesn’t work, their visceral response is to go a million miles to the left. Overcompensating for a failure is letting your negative emotions control your rational thought process. Take a moment to step back and see the situation objectively. Look at it as though it happened to me, or a family member, or a stranger on the street. How would you advise them to respond? Get up faster every time Apply these tips now if you are in a rut, or save this post for a rainy day when the struggle is real. Remember that self-confidence is merely the belief that you can perform. Regardless of your failures, there’s always another opportunity to reload and get back on track. When you have self-confidence, you have the ability to take action day in and day out -- and that’s how you’ll achieve your goals.

Be Audacious: 3 Ways To Stop Settling for Mediocre Jobs When You're Young and Inexperienced
Career Growth

Be Audacious: 3 Ways To Stop Settling for Mediocre Jobs When You're Young and Inexperienced

If you are a twenty-something-year-old either fresh out of college or a few years into the working world, sick of the “overnight success” posts on the internet and searching for a good job, this article is here to help.Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.- Joseph CampbellI talk with twenty-somethings about their careers all the time. Their opinions on where they stand in the work world often get to me. Summed up, I would describe the twenty-something perspective on working with this sentence:“I’m not good enough to get the job I really want, so I’ll take whatever I can get, and then ‘figure out’ what I really want to do later.”While you may jump to the conclusion that student debt or paying bills drives this line of thinking - absolutely valid - this perspective is also driven from fear of the unknown and rejection. Young people with less experience don’t feel qualified to even apply for the job they want, let alone accept it. Instead, they take the job they think they are ready for and work it for a “few” years until they “figure it out”.It’s funny in a way, because the boom of online business has created another subculture of young people that swing the other way. They believe that it’s no longer necessary to “pay your dues” working an unsatisfying or low paying job. Their stance is that you can work remotely or for yourself and never worry about having a job you don’t love.We have to pay homage to this perspective too, because this article is not going to go in that direction either.You are building the foundation for the remainder of your working life in the first 5 years of your career. Because the stakes are so high, it’s a real shame that so many people waste these foundation years, afraid to go after a job they really want. And while I can appreciate that “loving your job” is a valid goal for anyone, being self-employed at 22-years may put you at a disadvantage later on if it doesn’t work out long-term.The solution is simple, and in a way, marries the two stances above together:Be audacious, but don’t be naive about what you can realistically do. You don’t need to work a job you hate. What you need at this stage of your life is a job where there is plenty of work to be done and plenty of opportunities that are right for you.In your early to mid-twenties, there are 4 things you should be looking for in a job:An opportunity to cut your teeth in the industry you see yourself working in long-termA job where you will be working around people. This is the point in your career where you learn personalities, social dynamics, and how leadership plays itself out in the workplaceA job where you can network, grow with, and learn from the people you work withA job that maintains a professional workplace environment so you can learn the indispensable skills of high-quality employeesJobs that check all four of these boxes are not unicorns to twenty-something-year-olds.. They exist, but they aren’t handed out like candy. Below are 3 practical, battle-tested solutions that you should apply to find the job that fits the criteria.#1. Be audacious enough to apply for the job you want -- and stop thinking you "need" to do 3 years somewhere else before you're qualified. Experience is important. Don't be naive as to what you could possibly do, but if your heart is telling you that this is the job you really want, listen to it. If you truly aren’t qualified, hold off until something else comes along.When the right job presents itself, apply for it. Don’t decide there is no chance you'll get the job or that people will judge you for even thinking that you might stand a chance. There are at least 30 other people out there thinking the same thing. Not sure if it’s the right job? Use the 4 checkboxes above to measure that. Consider how much of a disservice to yourself it is to accept a job that doesn’t line up with your long-term goals, personality, and work preferences.#2. Be audacious and unforgiving as you craft a 2017-appropriate resumeAfraid you won’t stand out in a sea of candidates? Like everyone else in the pile, you’re just a piece of paper - at least until you’re not.The basic resume has not changed much in this new, technology-driven world - but it will soon. Use this to your advantage and be among the few that take the time to build a resume that stands out. Here are some ways to get started:Add links to your PDF resume to everything online that showcases what you can do. Add links to your LinkedIn or other (professional) social media platforms in your resume.Use video from college experiences, internships, or any other past ventures to make a "highlight reel" of your recent accomplishments. You carry a phone everywhere - put it to good use and record something that showcases your skills.Record, document, and craft something that is truly unforgettable. Maybe you won’t get the call, but trust me when I say, you will stand out. You never know what that could lead to in the future.#3. Be audacious enough to remember you aren't the only one being assessedYou’re 23. 12 months ago, one of your biggest worries on a Sunday night may have been how to shake that hangover before Monday’s 8am class. Now, you’re a professional, out in the world trying to make it. It can be difficult to show confidence if you don’t feel like you’re there yet.It’s easy to feel like you aren’t worthy, or capable, or experienced enough.It’s easy to feel like the hiring manager has it all figured out, and is judging you for being unqualified.It’s easy to focus on what you don’t have (experience), and to forget what you do bring to the workplace.And that’s what most people do.Understand something: if they called you in for the interview, you are qualified for the job.The person interviewing you feels the pressure, too. They have achieved a status where their job performance is correlated with their ability to bring in good people, so the stakes are high on both ends. If you are the right person for the job, he or she will bring you on board. The pressure is never just on the person being interviewed, no matter how inexperienced you think you are. You may be exactly what that company is looking for.

The 3 Questions No Entrepreneur Wants to Ask (but You Must)
Entrepreneurs

The 3 Questions No Entrepreneur Wants to Ask (but You Must)

You’re new to the game and motivated to achieve greatness in the realm of entrepreneurship. Undoubtedly, you’ve asked a lot of questions -- to yourself, your mentors, family, friends, and others. But you ask the easy questions. You ask questions presupposing you’ll be successful. “What do I do if I can’t fill an order?” “How do you manage to keep up when your schedule gets busy?” Important? Maybe. Probably not now. You’re romanticizing more than you are playing in the real world. There are some seriously important questions you should be asking yourself at this stage in the game. They may not be attractive, but they will help you rise above when they play out in real time. Take these three questions that no one wants to ask about becoming an entrepreneur to heart. The 3 Questions No Entrepreneur Wants to Ask (but You Must) The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. (more quotes) 1. What happens when you fail? The key word in this question -- and I suppose, this article -- is when. When is the key word in all three of the questions presented in this piece. Your experience will be different than mine, but these things are inevitable. As a culture, we now romanticize failure. We talk about how it’s crucial and how regular failure is the only way to be successful. Some say they like failing. My guess for those people is that they’ve never actually failed at anything. Sure, it’ll help you in the long run. But it sucks when you go through. And there’s a good chance it will crush you entirely if you don’t ground yourself in what could happen and how magnificently you might fail. You may lose your life savings and have to start over. Your product might not be something anyone wants. Hell, maybe you think you have a product and realize you’ve got nothing at all. Maybe you’ll realize after six months that you don’t want to be an entrepreneur at all. Imagine you’ve already told all your Facebook friends you’re a digital nomad, but now you need a 9-5 job. How are you going to handle that? What's going to happen when resistance presents itself? Are you going to let it swallow you up, or will you be strong enough to bounce back from the hole it puts you in? What are you willing to sacrifice or move on from once you realize you’ve hit rock bottom? 2. What happens when you realize your plan isn't working, but you find something that might? This is called “pivoting,” and many of us in the game of entrepreneurship know it well. There’s a good chance you will have to pivot to make your dream come true. It might mean destroying the vision of your product or service that you’re holding in your head. Are you willing to do that? When you pivot, it usually means that your initial product or strategy for selling didn’t go as planned. Call it failure if you want. The thing with pivoting is that if you open yourself up to new opportunities and possibilities, your micro-failure might ultimately lead you to the thing that will sell, work, or make sense for you as a business owner. But most people fail as entrepreneurs because they fixate and become rigid on ensuring their original vision plays out. “It has to be this way, or it means my idea wasn’t good enough to hack it and I’m not a real entrepreneur,” they subconsciously tell themselves. It’s silly and shrouded in ego, but people do it all the time. Will you? Will you be willing to scrap four to six months of hard work to start a new project that doesn’t seem as sexy or interesting as your vision does? You may have to if you want to make it. Having a plan B is not necessary right now -- but being willing to endure the pain of blowing up your own work is almost guaranteed. Check your ego at the door and proceed into the next phase of your business without hesitation. You won’t be the first person to have something not work as planned. 3. What happens when the people around you change their attitudes towards you? All the talk about having to sacrifice big to make it is about to play itself out. There’s a big difference between knowing you shouldn’t care what haters think about you and having and dealing with haters. If you cause any measurable ripple at all, you will be noticed in a negative light. People will judge you for your efforts and talk about how what you’re doing is so out of character for you. Are you prepared to handle it? Do you know and trust yourself enough to be authentic when no one else knows what you really are? There will be more than just haters. At some point, even the most supportive people will stop keeping tabs on what you’re doing. They will stop encouraging you to reach your goals. But that's a good thing. Eventually, you get to a point where you've done and achieved enough that your journey can no longer reasonably be tracked. Celebrate this. The day you exchange “atta boys” for measurable income statements and intrinsic rewards as the fuel keeping you going is a huge milestone. My advice? When all of this happens, embrace it. Recognize that it's something others have gone through. Understand that it is a requirement to live your life the way you’re saying you want to live it. Most people have no desire to run their own business, and so they will never understand what is required of someone with that dream. Everyone has other stuff going on and will forget about your thing, no matter how great you think it is. Go about your business and make daily 1% advancements no matter what people say. Shift your perspective These questions all pertain to inevitabilities in the game of entrepreneurship. The hope is that you shift your perspective on what’s important by asking yourself these questions and seeing what you come up with. The good news? If you’re serious about making it, none of these questions matter. Nothing else matters, truthfully. Your grit and determination to succeed will reign supreme if you decide that you have it inside of you to win the game.

3 Ways To Walk In and Make A Stranger Like You
Friends

3 Ways To Walk In and Make A Stranger Like You

Whatever your goal is, you will benefit from connecting with strangers. We go through life surrounded by other people. Continually surround yourself with the right ones, and your doors will open faster and with much less effort on your part. Have you ever met someone only to feel an immediate connection to them? Maybe you both felt it, or one of you said something like, “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” We tend to naturally like and connect with people that we can relate to ourselves. That’s why you experience a sense of connection and fondness when you learn that someone has a similar interest, life experience, or purpose to your own. And when it’s with the right person, building that instant rapport can change your life. A lot of research has been done on how we build rapport, to the point that specific techniques have emerged. There are, in fact, repeatable and measurable ways you can incorporate into how you communicate that can help someone you’ve never met like, trust or relate to you better. Think of how useful that might be for enhancing your career, business or family life. 3 Ways To Walk In and Make A Stranger Like You You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. - Dale Carnegie Before we go any further, it’s important to address an elephant in the room: the four techniques offered int his article for building rapport with new people are intended to be used as tools for reaching your goals. It should be implied that if you choose to try any of these techniques, you are using them ethically. They are not intended for deception of any sort. As much as we like to think our words teach others about us, our body language most often gives away clues on how we're feeling in a certain setting or around other people. To build rapport means that you've gained trust, respect or a sense of being liked by someone you may or may not know well. Here are three ways to do that: 1. Match their modality Each person has a unique modality that typically dominates how they perceive the world around them. Those modalities are seeing, hearing, or feeling. First, ask yourself which is yours. How do you primarily interpret information in your brain? Do you see it, hear it, or feel it? “Hearers” for example, tend to relate well because of their ability to naturally absorb all of the auditory stimuli around them. “Feelers”, on the other hand, will mesh well because their descriptions of an experience tend to include their kinesthetic perception, or internal feeling, about the thing being described. For example, pretend I said, “I just feel like this isn’t going to work.” You have insight that I may be physically feeling the negative sensations associated with failure, discord or inefficiency. Next time you find yourself and coworker or family member on a different page as you try to solve a problem, listen to the language they use to describe the experience. If they say, “I’m seeing a lot of dysfunction that I’d like to fix,” you now know their modality. Meet them where they are at, even if you aren’t naturally a “see-er”. Speak in terms of sight and be more mindful of how the situation may visually appear. You may very well find that person vigorously nodding their head at the same solution you offered previously -- only now you are speaking their language. 2. Match their voice and language Similar to modalities, an individual’s voice and chosen language gives clues to how they are feeling internally. If you consciously match these things, they may perceive you as someone who understands what they are feeling. Ask yourself about their tone or volume. Is it loud or soft? Confident or monotone? In all likelihood, a stranger will disguise parts of how they are really feeling because of social norms. They may feign confidence when feeling uncomfortable. This gives you an added advantage, because you can actually match their strategy and tone, giving them even more of a reason to believe you understand them. Also ask how they articulate their concepts. Do they speak in analogy or metaphor? Are they future- or present-focused? Tweak your own to match theirs and watch as they quickly warm up to you. 3. Match their common experiences It’s simply a fact that we like people who are like us. Just as it’s easy to stay with what we know and what is comfortable, it’s easy for us to trust and like someone that seems to understand who we are and where we’ve been. Without being inauthentic, do all that you can to relate. Listen carefully when someone tells a story, and see if you can relate it to one of your life experiences. Relate how you experienced it to how they might have, and dive deep into that. Ask as many questions as possible. At least 80% of this option is listening to another person. Done correctly, you shouldn’t be talking much at all. Don’t try so hard that you feel the need to make things up. And whatever you do, never “one up” someone’s experience. That is a surefire way to shut someone off to the possibility that you are like them. If anything, they may perceive you as someone who only thinks about themselves. Becoming a connector Add one or all of these to your repertoire for interacting with people this week and beyond. Treat them as tools in your toolbox and practice them as much as you can. Even if you come across someone with a modality that you find difficult to interpret, you at least gain valuable information about how they see the world. That can serve you leaps and bounds down the road as you build a relationship with this person. Remember, tools for your toolbox. Use these to grow fruitful and long-lasting relationships that are mutually beneficial to your personal life, career, or business. The key is to practice as much as possible and be willing to put yourself in a room where new people will be.

The Real Reason You Haven't Made the Leap (and What To Do About It)
Mental Health

The Real Reason You Haven't Made the Leap (and What To Do About It)

There’s a reason you probably haven’t heard of before that’s preventing you from taking the leap toward achieving your goals. Can you pinpoint the exact reason you haven’t gotten started yet? If not, this article is going to be extremely useful for you. You’re not hesitating because because you’re nervous or confused. You may be experiencing those feelings, but that isn’t what’s preventing you from taking the leap. You haven’t taken the leap because your personal criteria for psychological safety have not been met. Psychological safety is a mechanism in our psyche that helps us determine the right choice or course of action. It’s a potent safety filter that has already evaluated the situation you’re in now before you’ve consciously thought about it. The Real Reason You Haven't Made the Leap (and What To Do About It) Just as a physical threat can harm our physical safety, a stressor or threat that poses emotional stress can prevent us from feeling capable of putting in the work we need to. This is a primitive response that we have no control over. When your criteria aren’t met, you won’t make progress. Instead, you’ll spend your time reacting to threats or stressors that are present, seeking a solution that probably isn’t going to come. Why? Because our personality traits go hand in hand with our criteria for feeling psychologically and emotionally safe. Because your personality is not likely to change entirely, your criteria for safety likely will not either. Suffice to say, when something isn’t right, and that feeling is preventing you from taking the leap towards greatness, your criteria for psychological safety are not being met. Here are three ways to uncover and strategize around your own criteria for psychological safety: 1. Determine all of the criteria you need to feel safe in life Ask yourself the following question: “What do I need to feel safe in life?” Write down your answers or brainstorm. These answers could include any of the following: purpose or meaning, physical safety, opportunities to be creative, and opportunities to grow. These are examples, and yours will be much different than mine. Be specific and target specific areas of your life. If you need to be financially secure to feel safe, write it down. If you need to feel healthy, it should be on the list. By the time you’re done, you’ll likely have between 8-10 criteria you feel you need. You can leave the list 'as is' or take it a step further and pick out 4-5 from the list. Those are your essential criteria that you need in order to feel safe in life. Remember them, because they are going to influence whether you choose to take a leap in the future. 2. Determine all of the criteria you need to make a decision You’ve figured out your criteria for feeling safe in life. Now, ask yourself what it takes for you to feel safe when making a decision. The answer to this question lies in your past decisions. Think back to your last big purchase or decision that, in some way, changed your life. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who hadn’t yet made that choice or purchase. When you thought about buying or doing that thing, what did it represent? How many of your essential criteria were met with that choice? Chances are that at least 3-4 of them make the list. You wouldn’t have made the choice otherwise. Alternatively, consider the 'leap' that you’re struggling to take. Do the same exercise. If you’re hesitating, which of your essential criteria are not being met by the picture you have in your head? That is where the resistance is coming from. 3. Consider how you can adjust your goal to align it with your personal criteria You’ve got a dream in mind. You are hesitating to take action and are still not sure if this is the reason behind your inaction. This third step will help you find out. Take a moment to imagine what taking the 'leap' would look like if your top 4-5 psychological safety criteria were all met. Whatever is most important to you is being met as you strive to achieve your goal. How would your journey be different than the one you’re picturing in your head? What would the next 2-3 months of daily work look like as you worked toward the outcome? In all likelihood, the 'leap' you are imagining seems more like a step. It’s smaller because your personal boundaries are not being challenged by the thought of your goal. If nothing else, you should more confident that getting started is entirely possible. When your criteria are all met, you are freed up to be more creative, purposeful and productive as you work towards your goal. Know thyself Understanding your unique psychological safety can be a tool for your toolbox as you make decisions. The more you know about yourself, the better you’ll be able to address the feelings of unease and stress that come on when you begin contemplating taking the 'leaps' that come in life. Like most things in the realm of personal development, it’s a personal journey. It starts with you doing the work to uncover what you are and how you thrive. The sooner you find those answers, the more capable you will be of putting in the work to achieve your goals.

Opportunity or Diversion? 3 Questions to Ask Before Saying Yes
Mindset

Opportunity or Diversion? 3 Questions to Ask Before Saying Yes

A new opportunity will present itself to you tomorrow. And the next day. And every day. Will you notice it? Maybe. It depends on a few variables. Opportunities are funny. A lot has to go right for us to see them as they are. Four of those factors are: proper fit, timing, ease of the work, and personal desire. Think about the last time you were presented with an opportunity. You might have asked yourself, “Will this opportunity help me get to where I’m going? Is the amount of work going to make it not worth it? Is the timing right? Do I actually want this?” So there’s some internal work to be done when an opportunity is put in front of us. Ultimately it comes down to your decision to accept or deny the opportunity before it becomes real. Whether or not you say "yes" to an opportunity is a reflection of how you’re choosing to live your life. Those who always say no are probably productive, but perceived poorly by others. At the same time, we’ve all met a chronic Say YES-er, and have probably been one at some point. If you always say yes, is it really an opportunity? No. Chances are it’s probably just more work. When everything is a priority, nothing can be prioritized. Your goal should be clear: to accept the opportunities that represent the kind of growth and personal achievement that are aligned to the vision you have for your life. Opportunity or Diversion? 3 Questions to Ask Before Saying Yes The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything. - Warren Buffett Let’s pretend you read this article today and kind of forget about it. After all, it’s not meeting you where you’re at because no opportunity is directly in front of you. The timing isn’t right. But it will become relevant again when an opportunity presents itself. When that day comes, you’ll have the following three questions to come back to. Use them as a guide to determine if the opportunity in front of you is actually what it says it is, or merely another way for you to delay putting in work towards what you really want in life. 1. What's unique about the opportunity? If it’s an opportunity you should truly capitalize in, there’s a good chance that it’s unique in a few ways. Plain Jane offers aren’t what you’re after. Make sure there is some element of all three of the following before you say yes. First, it's a chance to do something people around you aren’t already doing. Are you being offered a chance to lead a project or put together a team for something at work? If six other people around you are already capitalizing, politely pass. Let them shine and pick your spot later on. Second, this is an opportunity that represents and reflects your unique skill set. Make sure that any task or project you take on, in some way, reflects your unique skill set. Ensure that the work you’ll put in will give you a chance to either hone or showcase those skills to people. Your supervisor may market the ‘opportunity’ as something beneficial for you. Some bosses are really good at doing that. In truth, he or she may be delegating. You’re another cog in the machine that can they trust, so you’re being asked to do it.Whenever possible, turn down these offers. Don’t sign up for junk work unless you are just starting out. In that case, any opportunity is usually a good opportunity. Otherwise, be more selective and highlight what you can do. Third, this unique opportunity can be properly fit into your current season of life. An ‘opportunity’ to someone just starting their career appears as hell on earth to a seasoned employee. Be honest about where you are at personally and professionally, and see if the opportunity fits into your personal schedule and stage of life. If it doesn’t, nix it. 2. What will the opportunity give you that you can't currently have? What are you hoping to gain from the opportunity in front of you that can’t be obtained now? This is probably the most important (and oft-ignored) question I’ve started asking when I help people sift through opportunities. So many of us say "yes" to everything, in the hopes that it will give us that thing we desire so much -- money, celebrity status, self-love, better relationships, etc. The truth is, you aren’t going to get any of that from the work you put in. This opportunity might represent a 5% advancement in the direction of that material thing you’re chasing, but it won’t happen right away. If you’re after something like self-love, fulfillment or happiness, you’re kidding yourself. That can only come from within. You’re better off auditing your life exactly as it is now. See what you can do with the resources you have to spark change or growth first. Once you uncover a few of those rocks, you’ll have a lot more clarity around what opportunities might be right for you. At that point, you’ll be better served to accept an offer that comes your way. 3. Does it contribute to where you want to be 2 years from now? Simple maybe, but powerful in terms of understanding what you should say "yes" to. Begin with the end in mind. Make sure you know where you’d like to be 6, 12, or 24 months from now. Run the opportunity in front of you through that machine and see how it comes out. Does it live in alignment with that outcome or with that version of yourself? If the answer isn’t “heck yes it does!”, then the answer you should be giving is a polite “no thanks.” Be wary of anything that will take your time and energy away from the mountain you are most passionate about climbing. Not all opportunities are created equal Opportunities are all around us. If you’re around other people, I can all but guarantee one will present itself to you in the next 24 hours. The key is knowing how to differentiate between a true opportunity and simply adding more work to your life. It takes a level of clarity and a combination of a few variables to correctly choose what will move us in the right direction. Be honest about what you’d like to have happen, audit the situation, and above all, don’t feel bad about saying "no". You’ve had other people say it to you and you got over it. The same will happen. They will find someone else, and you will be one step further to your goals. Sometimes the greatest opportunity of all lies in turning down the work you shouldn’t be taking on, so you can continue doing what you’re already doing.