When Motivational Advice Fails: Handling Things Beyond Your Control
Here’s the thing about lifestyle advice. Sometimes all the good intentions in the world aren’t enough. This isn’t a criticism of lifestyle advice, or the wonderful motivational content here on Goalcast. But I think it’s important to recognize that there are folks out there who need more, who need to heal. I think these folks should be part of our conversations about quality of life and lifestyle improvement. Chronic conditions change life in ways that makes most of that advice pretty much useless. Chronic conditions come in all forms, and some are visible, while others are not. So this is for anyone who has ever read motivational advice and thought to themselves, I hurt too much to do that, That’s not sustainable for me, or Why can’t I make this work? I hear you. When Motivational Advice Fails: Handling Things Beyond Your Control Let today be the day you stop living within the confines of how others define or judge you. -- Steve Maraboli There’s one thing that everyone needs to hear, and that you probably already understand: Lifestyle choices are for maintenance, not healing. Taking a walk in the woods is great for stress management, but it doesn’t cure depression. Exercising is great for physical health, but sometimes you can’t “just push through” chronic pain. Goal-setting works well for a lot of people, but for some it just creates anxiety. Lifestyle advice is for mostly healthy people to stay healthy, and improve their daily quality of life. That’s fine. That’s a noble purpose. But if you need medical intervention then that’s what you need. I think that all of us, especially motivational bloggers like me, need to fight back against the stigma around needing medical help to improve your quality of life, or to just be functional in the first place. Don't suffer in silence Some aren’t necessarily noticeable even to the people who suffer from them. That’s because everyday issues that most people deal with can often become more severe and occur more often over time. For example, around 40 percent of people in the US suffer from chronic venous insufficiency, and they often suffer unknowingly. The conditions associated with venous insufficiency range from minor aches and leg pains, all the way to dangerous ulcers. Even acid reflux and heartburn can develop into chronic conditions that affect quality of life. Sometimes our normal body cycles can turn against us and cause unusual amounts of suffering. Chronic menstrual pain is surprisingly common. Because menstruation is a normal part of life, and because of the strange stigma that comes with talking about it, many women suffer through abnormal menstrual pain silently. Break the stigma The fact is that stigma, lack of education, and lack of finances often cause people to suffer with chronic conditions without seeking help. Sometimes it’s because they don’t know they need help. Sometimes it’s because they can’t afford it or are unwilling to open themselves up to ridicule by bringing it up. That’s just the body-health side of things. Depression, anxiety, forms of bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses come in varied forms. They’re also truly “invisible.” These conditions, and conditions like them, are quite often the targets of the “you can beat it without drugs” crowd. But they are physical illnesses and managing them often, but not always, requires medical intervention. There are a lot of conflicting opinions about this, but here’s what the brain research suggests. It does indeed suggest that in a number of cases, therapeutic options that don’t involve medication are more effective than their pharmaceutical counterparts to help people who struggle with mental illness. But it also suggests that it’s impossible to make sweeping assumptions about what works in general, because a patient’s response to different types of treatment depend on a number of factors, including their individual brain chemistry. Some people respond to a combined approach: medication and other types of therapy. Some people respond better to therapy without medication. Some people respond best to medication. Medication isn’t always the answer. In fact, an over-reliance on opioid-based pain medication has contributed a public health crisis. But that doesn’t mean medication is inherently bad. Yes, many people who are in pain, and many people with depression do need medication. No, that doesn’t mean that they’re addicted. Chronic conditions and mental illness have a lot of nuance to them, and everyone should be free to seek out the solutions that work best for them without judgement. Find your own path to healing For someone suffering with a chronic condition, the first step in the recovery process is often medical intervention. That can take the form of a medical procedure, physical therapy, non-medicated mental health therapy, medication, or a combination. If you just can’t manage to implement the kinds of positive life-building advice you find here on Goalcast, it might be time to talk to a healthcare provider. Don’t give up on your goals and dreams, however, just because attaining them isn’t sustainable right now. Keep all the healthy routine building tactics in mind, and keep thinking about your long-term wellness goals. At some point during your recovery, they will be vital, and they won’t seem so unachievable. That may not be right now. It’s okay to take it slow. For many people, the medical intervention has to happen first, before any other kind of healing will work. And that’s fine. Your situation is unique, and so is your path to recovery Many people can avoid or transition out of needing medical help. But not being able to do that isn’t a weakness. Just because some people can fight off stress without the aid of mood-stabilizing medication, that doesn’t mean you’re required to. The kinds of lifestyle changes and motivated, intentional living we talk about at Goalcast are not out of reach for people who suffer from chronic conditions. But they’re not a replacement for medical help. If any part of this article describes you, I want to say this: it’s not a failure of your lifestyle. You’re perfect the way you are. For some people, recovery is a lifelong process that doesn’t really end. That’s fine. Some of us out here hear you, and we love you. Keep doing whatever you have to in order to manage your condition, and don’t sweat missing that workout.
How to Find Time for Those Personal Projects That Never Get Done
Recently, I transitioned from working freelance to a full-time job. I also got married and bought a house. These changes in my life have been nothing short of joyful. But it’s taking some adjustment.With two people working full-time and a house to take care of, I’m finding that I have less and less opportunity to work on the personal projects than I used to. I recognize that even with how busy I feel, I’m still blessed with a whole lot more free time than most. I also know that as life goes on, I’m likely to only get busier.Gradually, I’m re-learning my time management in order to find time for all those things I want to do related to self-improvement. I’d like to share what I’ve learned with you, and perhaps you fine folks will have some advice for me in return.When I talk about personal projects, these can take the form of, well, anything really. Whether you want to write a novel or commit to working out more, we’ve all got those goals.How to Find Time for Those Personal Projects That Never Get DoneWhen you waste a moment, you have killed it in a sense, squandering an irreplaceable opportunity. But when you use the moment properly, filling it with purpose and productivity, it lives on forever.- Menachem Mendel SchneersonShowing up is the hardest partNope, it’s not the waiting! One of the most critical things I’ve learned about managing my time is impetus. The energy you create steers your course. The longer you do it, the harder it is to course correct — but it’s always possible to change the way you look at life.Plucking up the energy to sit down and start something, to get out of the door, to set aside the time, has always been the most difficult part of the process for me. Once I’ve shown up, I’ve created an effort, an energy, an impetus, which carries me through whatever I’m doing. But when I have a precious free hour, finding ways to make myself do something constructive instead of sinking into the couch has always been a struggle for me.Get a buddyOne of the biggest motivators for me to “show up” is a sense that someone else is relying on me, or that they would be pleased as a result. Bringing family members and friends in on your plans to improve your work-life balance, for example, can provide you with an essential support network. I find this works best if you find someone who wants to work on the same thing; a workout buddy, or someone interested in similar crafts -- whatever your interests happen to be, find someone who shares them. Including a cooperative, social element in your personal goals lifts them out of your head and into a real space, into a relationship. Find creative ways to multitaskOne of my goals, for a while, has been to read more books. Reading time is always the first thing to disappear when life gets busy, and so I’ve discovered an alternative strategy: audiobooks. At every opportunity, when I’m cooking, cleaning, or on the work commute, I load up an audiobook. Right now I have two going at once, one for commuting and one for housework!In an effort to get more fit, I’ve started walking on my work breaks. Instead of grabbing a snack or sitting in the breakroom, I get together with a small group and we walk around the outside of the building. It’s half an hour more walking in the day than I’d otherwise get, and every little step helps.Identify and use “captive time”I use the term “captive time” to refer to time during which I am held captive by a responsibility or unavoidable situation. Not in a cop TV show sense, just in a sense that we all have unavoidable dead time: sitting in waiting rooms before appointments, using public transport, flying, waiting for our car to be serviced or for someone to show up and repair the furnace. This time is especially useful for people who want to set up a small business or freelance on the side. All you need is a connected device and you can work. Internet connectivity is becoming more and more common. Even some airlines and mobile carriers offer wi-fi connections while you travel.Make a specific, trackable commitmentI rarely find time for something if I just tell myself “I should find time for this.” It’s not enough to want. If you’re busy, fitting in time for personal development is going to require schedule discipline. To have any success, I need to set a block of time aside and not allow other obligations to sneak in. Because they’ll try.I had a lot of success using a paper day planner when I was freelancing. These days, I prefer to track my goals using project management tools as if I were working from home. I don’t do this for all my goals, as it can get somewhat intense — but for important changes that I want to make quickly, treating a goal like a project has been very successful.Don’t cheat until you’ve made a habitFinally, I want to share the biggest reason that I sabotage myself once I’ve started on a goal-achievement journey. Cheating is fine, it really is. But if you start giving yourself cheat days, or deciding not to use allotted time, before you’ve turned your new routine into a habit, you’ll lose all of your momentum. This has happened to me over and over again.Recent data about habit-forming suggests that the length of time it takes to form a habit is dependant on the task itself. Simple tasks don’t take very long, whereas tasks that require a lot of effort or a considerable change in your routine can take much longer. 66 days is an average based on recent psychological study. Making a dramatic change to your life, and having it stick, requires a lot of impetus.
How to Avoid the Perils of Caregiver Burnout (and Why You Must)
A great number of Americans end up as caregivers for their loved ones. This can happen quickly or slowly, overnight or over years with gradually increasing care needs. Whether through disability or aging, life hits people hard. The rising costs of health care mean that many families can’t afford professional help or assisted living. Even if they can afford assisted living, adult children become caregivers for their parents in the sense of needing to make difficult medical and financial decisions on their behalf. Spouses and siblings can also end up shouldering the responsibility for care. Caregiving is difficult, even for extended family members and professionals. It’s draining, heroic work. Even professional nurses deal with compassion fatigue and have to take care not to let being a caregiver affect their personal lives. But what if being a caregiver is your personal life? How to Avoid the Perils of Caregiver Burnout (and Why You Must) In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel 'burnout' setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective. - The Dalai Lama (more quotes) I’ve experienced both forms of caregiving, although luckily not for immediate family members. When I was only 10, my mother was a live-in caregiver for an Alzheimer’s patient, and so I spent those years living alongside dementia and learning about giving care. When I was in university, I took a summer job caring for a gentleman with cerebral palsy. I’m by no means a professional, but I’ve had some experience with the tolls of caregiving, both as a child and as an adult. Give yourself permission to be fatigued Many people run themselves ragged out of the sense of both responsibility and guilt; the notion that it’s “not about you” but about the person receiving the care. This much is true, but remember that your health is an important factor in your ability to function as a caregiver. Correlations have been noted between stressed caregivers and shortened lives of dementia patients. It’s not selfish to need personal time, to be fatigued, or to struggle with burnout. In a sense it’s more difficult for a non-professional caregiver to find the right balance — especially for people who work, and then have loved ones to care for at home. Maybe childcare enters the mix, making life even more complicated. So what does permission to be fatigued look like in this situation? Okay, you’ve allowed yourself to say “I’m fatigued,” but it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have the time or money to do anything about it. The next thing you need to give yourself permission to do is seek help, professional if necessary. Don’t feel bad asking family or friends to help you take a day away or an afternoon to run errands. Get in touch with a social worker, look into nonprofit care programs in the area, and look into your state’s medicare/medicaid program (if you're in the US) to see which services and benefits your loved ones might be eligible for. Know the difference between caring and enabling Making the decision to move loved ones into care facilities can be excruciating. Quite often, people who are aging will be very resistant to accepting professional help or leaving their home, even if they agreed to do so “when the time is right.” The truth is, the time will probably never be right for someone to abandon their home, especially if they are already suffering from dementia. But the time will, eventually, be necessary. Many people, feeling unable to “be the bad guy” and force the issue, opt to take care of their aging relatives rather than push them into assisted living or get them diagnosed. They decide to provide care either by visiting them often, moving into their loved one’s home, or moving the loved one in with them. The problem is that aging-related health difficulties get worse, not better, especially without professional intervention. Sooner or later, you won’t be able to keep up. Out of forgetfulness or stubbornness (or both), people who struggle with dementia miss medical appointments, lapse on bill payments, and eventually behave in self-destructive ways. It’s extremely important not to keep emergencies or serious health issues “in the family.” If someone falls, passes out, or suffers even a minor injury, it’s not a betrayal to call emergency services instead of helping out yourself. This can result in diagnoses for conditions even you may not have known about. The fact is that the more you try and take on the difficulties of care, in order to avoid ugly conversations about power of attorney, loss of driving license, and assisted living, the more you enable an unhealthy and dangerous lifestyle. Don’t let guilt limit your choices when it comes to providing care for your family. Running yourself ragged just to enable a continuation of dangerous living conditions doesn’t help anyone. In the end, it might not even be as disruptive as forcing someone to leave their home. Health technology is improving all the time, and a greater number of people are able to age in place thanks to remote monitoring technology, along with regular caregiver visits. Sometimes, the only solution is outside help If you’re sick of reading articles about “taking time for yourself” because they’re unhelpful when you have no time in the first place, that may be a sign that it’s time to ask for help. Time is a luxury that some people just don’t have. But living that way, with no time for yourself, is unsustainable. Eventually, it all comes crashing down and you and your loved ones get hurt. Caregivers need a number of tools to function effectively: legal tools, enough medical know-how to help administer medication, and perspective about one’s own emotional health, to name a few. To succeed, caregivers need a support network that can help provide them with these tools. In my experience, the only real solution for people whose lives are dominated by caregiving is to seek help. That help can come in many forms -- just remember it’s not a failure to ask. State Elder Care Resources Community Care Programs AARP Caregiver Resources State Medicare Information Resources for Adults with Disabilities
Work Addiction Is No Joke: It Could Be a Sign of Mental Illness
Being driven to succeed, working hard and setting aggressive goals for your career are all fantastic traits in a person. But for some people, this is just scratching the surface. If you have trouble leaving work alone on your time off, if you check your work phone on vacation, or if you max out your overtime whether or not you need the money, your addiction might be the sign of another mental illness. We aren’t talking about addiction in the colloquial sense. In fact, a group of researchers at Bergen University in Norway developed a test for work addiction that takes a great deal of influence from drug addiction identification tools. Work Addiction Is No Joke: It Could Be a Sign of Mental Illness Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important. - Stephen R. Covey What’s the relationship between work addiction and mental illness? Those same researchers in Norway performed an extensive study that demonstrated a statistical relationship between work addiction and illnesses including anxiety, depression, ADHD and OCD. I should take a moment to mention that what they discovered is correlation, not a causational relationship. Put in simple terms, it means that there is a statistically relevant likelihood that someone with work addiction also has an additional mental illness. It does not establish that work addiction causes mental illness, that the inverse is true, or that people with work addiction definitely have additional mental illness. What the research does mean is relevant for anyone who feels a lack of control around their relationship to work. If you think you’re showing the symptoms of work addiction, you might have an undiagnosed mental illness to contend with. What if you don’t have other illnesses? Work addiction is still a legitimate and potentially serious problem in its own right. The major problem with work addiction is that it isn’t sustainable. Mentally or physically, you’re likely to eventually burn out. And when that happens, you might end up crashing hard, becoming jaded with your career or suffering physical health effects. Work addiction can be a cause of significant workplace burnout. When that happens, if you don’t have the tools to recharge your mental health, the downward spiral could have long-lasting repercussions on your career as well as your health. What can you do? The first thing you should do is consult a professional and find out whether you’re dealing with an additional mental illness. Recovering from work addiction just won’t happen if you’re also managing an undiagnosed illness of another kind. Once you’ve established what your specific challenges are, you can begin a treatment plan. Again, I really can’t restate this enough, if your work addiction is serious, you’ll probably want to consult a doctor for a referral to the appropriate specialist. No matter which way you approach it, recovery will likely mean slowing down, and changing your daily routine to make time for self-reflection, leisure and reevaluating your priorities in life. There are a number of everyday activities that help lessen the risk of burnout, like getting out of the gym and exercising in nature. Overcoming mental illness of any type is a process that you need to approach from many different angles: The medical angle, that allows you to maintain the clarity of thought to work on yourself. Not everyone needs chemical intervention with drugs, but don’t believe anyone who tells you that you can cure depression by just going outside every day. The introspective, therapeutic angle that allows you to look back on your experiences and plan for the future based on guided goal-setting. The daily angle that involves maintaining a routine conducive to keeping your life balanced and avoiding the pitfalls that make you spiral. No one solution is going to cure you and lighten the load of your life. But combining professional help with strategies to make time for yourself and de-clutter your life from work obligations and other negative influences can significantly improve the quality of your life.
De-Clutter Your Life, De-Clutter Your Soul
I’ve lived in three countries and moved at least nine times. If you count the back and forth from college, it’s probably more. It can be hard to keep track. I feel as though my life has been a constant process of giving away, throwing away, selling, and resisting accumulation.As stressful as each move was (especially changing countries), there was always something cathartic about getting rid of things. While it was certainly disconcerting, it was also satisfying to reduce my life’s possessions to a pile of suitcases and boxes that would fit into the back of an SUV. Moving has forced me to let go of emotionally charged items that hold painful memories. Along the way, things I thought I couldn’t live without got lost and never replaced.I always felt freer after ridding myself of physical clutter, and even discovered things that I didn’t know were superfluous additions to my life. All this roaming has taught me to be more invested in who I'm with than where I am and what I have. A move has always felt like a great unburdening — even if I was tearing my hair out trying to get it organized!The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.- Hans HoffmannHow clutter can affect mental healthYou don’t have to be a hoarder to be negatively affected by too much stuff or an unhealthy fixation on owning things. Even if your home is outwardly neat, collections of things in closets and garages can weigh on the soul over time.The worst thing about clutter is that it compounds on existing stresses. On top of that, it’s a subtle influence that people may not think about. Unhealthy associations, such as an item belonging to an ex or deceased family member, can further exacerbate this elusive psychological pain.Psychiatrists and professional organizers often refer clients to one another. Professionals in both fields are often very good at recognizing the crossover, and so you might be surprised at the interconnected support system for people suffering from clutter-related stress. Clutter seems to have a strong correlation with grief, pain, and obsessive disorders. So the first thing I want to mention is that there is never shame in seeking professional help, even if your clutter problem is nowhere near as serious as those depicted on Hoarders.The different types of clutter in your lifePhysical clutter: an oppressive amount of physical thingsCalendar clutter: an overabundance of social or work obligationsEmotional clutter: too many harmful or unfulfilling relationshipsIn my opinion the clutter in one’s life isn’t just physical. There are a number of ways that you can accumulate associations that you don’t need.North America has developed a strange respect for people who are overworked and constantly busy. These traits that we laud can be extremely unhealthy, and while they create a full life, they don’t necessarily create a fulfilling one. Learning to recognize when to take time for yourself is an important step to better emotional health -- and hey, may even give you time to de-clutter physically as well.I have also experienced a cluttered web of relationships. Especially if there is an element of inequality, in which you give more than you receive, too many friendships and relationships can sap your emotional strength and leave little left for the people who really matter.My way to fix clutter: Move! (or pretend to move)Moving has regularly addressed all three types of clutter that were burdening me. It forced me to cut a great number of physical possessions out of my life. Moving also reset my work and social schedule. A new job, and needing to make friends again, allowed me to recreate my calendar from the ground up, making it easier to only take on as much as I could handle.I also found that moving away from my regular social circle cut down on relationships that weren’t fulfilling. I naturally made an effort to keep in touch and visit the people I cared about the most, while the extra effort required to keep in touch with me demonstrated who my most loving friends were.If you’re not in a situation to move, you can still de-clutter like you’re moving. Pretend!I use some unlikely sources of advice when it’s time to de-clutter. Even if I’m not planning on moving, I check out packing advice for moving out. Then I pretend I’m doing it. I’ll give myself a limit -- say, one SUV excluding furniture, or one cube truck including small furniture items. You don’t have to actually pack a vehicle, instead look up the interior measurements and use them as a guide. Empty everything room by room, then pack and label boxes. There is one vital difference: pack according to priority, not similarity. By all means put your absolute favorite book or movie in with essential items like your cookware or toothbrush. Allow necessity to include things that make you happy, but be sure they actually do. Label the boxes to indicate priority as you go along. Be specific, and prepare a full inventory list as if you were actually loading up a truck and sending it off. Label the priority of a box on a numbered scale, like 1-10. Once you’re done, consult your inventory of each box and double-check its priority. Then pick a number, and toss away every box below it.Another trick I’ve played on myself with some success is to pretend I’m selling my house. I’ll start to think about what I need to do to each room to make it super sellable and impressive; to make it “pop.” Usually, this means getting rid of the majority of things in it. I once again look up advice about how to dress up your home for a sale. While I’m at it, a little bit of decorating and feng shui generally make me feel a lot better about each room.Lighten your lifeAnd then of course, there’s actually doing it (if you are). At one point, my family owned a Bed and Breakfast, a six-bedroom, four-bathroom monstrosity. Even though we had to keep it clean and clutter-free, we still ended up collecting far too much stuff: furniture and decor that we neither liked nor used, extra kitchen and dining items, enough spare sheets and towels to soak up the pool. Downsizing to a much more sensible townhouse came as a great relief, and not being able to fit everything into it made getting rid of things much easier. It was part of an exciting new process, rather than just an unpleasant chore.So whether you’re dropping a bedroom or two, or making a drastic change and building your own off-the-grid tiny house, downsizing can be a fantastic way to lift the burdens of your life. On the other hand, please do be cautious. If you are battling with a serious trauma or disorder, it may be that no amount of personal change will “fix” your problems. But when combined with professional advice, these strategies to de-clutter your life might just make all the difference.