Beware the Guru Who Doesn't Practice What They Preach
In India, when a family encounters a problem regarding the behavior of their children, they don't consult a psychotherapist or a doctor. They go straight to the local guru. One of the reasons is that there is always a big shortage of doctors, especially in rural areas. So in a small village, there was a family who would often go to the local guru for help. One day, the mother and father came to the guru with their nine-year-old child. The father told the guru, "Master, our son is a wonderful boy and we love him very much. But he has a terrible problem, a weakness for sweets that is ruining his teeth and health. We've tried to reason with him, argued, pleaded, used discipline but nothing worked. He just doesn't listen and keeps on consuming an enormous amount of sweets. Can you help us?" The guru's answer left the father surprised. He said, "Go now and get back in exactly two weeks." Since the mantra in the village is that you don't argue with the guru, the family listened and obeyed. The weeks passed and the family came back to the guru with their child. And the guru said, "Good, now we can proceed." But the father stopped and asked, "Won't you tell us please why you sent us away for two weeks? You have never done that before." The guru replied, "I needed the two weeks because I, too, have had a lifelong weakness for sweets. Until I had confronted and resolved that issue within myself, I was not ready to deal with your son." People usually don't like this story. Beware the Guru Who Doesn't Practice What They Preach What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. - Ralph Waldo Emerson We live in the world of self-help gurus, life coaches, and preachers. Everyone knows everything and wants to tell you how you should live your life. And yes, there are people out there who are truly great, and you should listen to them. Because they have "been there, done that," and can offer important guidance in a certain situation. But you need to beware of the wannabe life coaches who preach but don't practice it for themselves. Would you trust a broke financial manager? Or an overweight personal trainer? Of course not. Because they don't practice what they preach. Preaching is easy. You go and read a couple of books and suddenly, you are the know-it-all master. Preaching comes from knowledge, which is half of an important equation. But by itself, it doesn't mean much. You need the other side of the coin with it, and that is experience. Experience without knowledge is blind, but knowledge without experience is a mere intellectual play. - Immanuel Kant This is important, because skill equals knowledge times a couple thousand repetitions. To truly know something means to know the theory, but also to live the practice. Because in theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. Mary in the black and white room Mary is a scientist, and her specialist subject is color. She knows everything there is to know about colors. The effects they have on neurology, the wavelengths, reach. Literally, every possible property a color can have, Mary knows about it. And Mary has a favorite color. It is blue. Mary is just fascinated with the color blue. The color blue just seems to have the perfect wavelength and a soothing impact on the brain's neurology. But she lives in a black and white room. She was born and raised there. Even the TV that she has is a black-and-white TV. That is her only way of observing the outside world. So Mary has never actually seen any colors, and all her knowledge of them is second-hand. Then one day, the door to the outside world opens, and Mary walks out. She sees the blue sky for the first time. At that moment, she learns something that all her studies couldn't tell her. She learns what it feels like to see the color blue. This was something that couldn't be taught or conveyed. This was something that needed to be experienced to be understood. Who will you let guide you? Remember in the end to find a mentor who has the right knowledge, but has also been in the trenches. Someone who just preaches but doesn't practice is dangerous. But someone who just practices with no knowledge and theory is blind. So, who will you follow after this? Tell me in the comments.
To Plan or Not to Plan? Picking Sides in the Duel of the Self-Help Clans
"Mark was in a stressful environment and only when he decluttered his schedule did he become free. ... He was finally free of the schedule. And that made him happy. His happiness poured through him and eventually brought him the success he always wanted." "Johnny was laid back and was always dabbling in stuff, not having a schedule or planning stuff out ahead. And because of this, he was in problems and wasn't happy. So he finally created a schedule and stuck to it for the next 5 years. ... That brought him happiness and in turn, brought him the success he always wanted." I found these kinds of paragraphs throughout almost every one of the 50 self-help books I read. They all talked about one of two principles: Don't plan. Go with the flow, and you will be happy and successful Plan. If you follow it, you will be happy and successful. This caused a paradox in my head: What to do? Whom to follow? Have a strict plan for my life, or keep things open? To Plan or Not to Plan? Picking Sides in the Duel of the Self-Help Clans We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell Failing to plan is planning to fail. - Alan Lakein Then, I realized something. But before I tell you what I realized, we need to go through both ideas to see in detail what they are. Don't plan Leave all of it open. Every single day when you wake up, don't plan and just go with the flow. Be still and mindful and stuff around will happen. It is about keeping your options open because otherwise, you will probably miss the one opportunity that can transform your life. This openness can come only if you're not stuck to a tight plan and schedule. Because if you're focused on one fixed avenue, you will miss the possibility of an unexpected transformation. So limiting your planning to a minimum will bring you to the transformation you seek. This group is all about the inner self, mindfulness and manifestations. If you believe in it, it will happen. "Focus on your feelings." "Meditate for days." "Be mindful about everything." "Things you seek will manifest when you stop seeking them." These are the kinds of mantras invoked by the "Don't plan" camp, which includes books like Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life, and more. They focus solely on being present, mindful and at ease, in the belief that everything else will then take care of itself. Eckhart Tolle even lived on a bench because of this conviction. For him, being present is all that mattered -- no plan, just live in the moment. The "Don't plan" camp is all about the "inner game." But let's see the other group now. Plan Bro, it's all about the hustle. You just need to hustle, hustle, hustle. If you hustle long enough, you will reach the stars. You need to schedule 15 of the 24 hours in your day down to the minute, because that's what successful people are doing, so you should too. In this camp we have people like Gary Vee, Grant Cardone and Eric Thomas. For them, the game that leads to the success and happiness you crave is based on taking action every single day in as big a way as possible. To do that, you need to plan out your days, weeks, months and years. For this group, it's about intensity and focus. You want to be in the position X in three years. So that means that for the next three years you should be doing only Y in your life to achieve X. And that means taking every single moment you have and focusing solely on that goal. These people are playing for tomorrow. Who you are now is less important than who you can become. You struggle now to enjoy later, and if you want to build something truly great, you need to sacrifice now even more. They call it "noodle profitability" in entrepreneurship. The books (and guys) here focus solely on executing today to have a life "tomorrow." Today only counts if I plan it out so that today's plan brings value to tomorrow's, and if I execute on it. You do this until you reach your goal. Then maybe you can enjoy it. This group focuses only on the "outer game." Sorting through the paradox So the thing that I learned was that "Plan" and "Don't plan" groups are two sides of the same coin. You need both in your life. And balance is the word that matters. You need a plan for the future, along with daily actions and habits that support the execution of that plan. But you also need time for yourself. You need that empty schedule to live your life -- to feel, to enjoy, to be spontaneous. And yes, you can have both. Split your time 50/50, and enjoy the current reality while also planning and executing for your future. You just need to plan, and then let go. As Jason Silva said so perfectly, "You can't meditate yourself to where you wanna be in this world. Meditation is a part of it but so is practice. After the ecstasy, the laundry. Fetch water, chop wood, exercise, right. Make a list. Plan, design, cultivate... and then let go... and then surrender." How does your balance look like? Tell me in the comment section below.
Getting to 1+1=3: The 3 Types of Relationships in Your Life
We all have different kinds of relationships in our lives, with our friends, family, spouse, lover, boss, employee and ourselves. Some of our relationships are great, while others are more unhealthy. There are those we invest so much time into but still end up crappy and unfulfilling, and there are those that are just perfect with almost no effort. Some make us lose a piece of ourselves but also gain a piece of ourselves.We can find ourselves through relationships. Or we can lose ourselves in them like Amelia Earhart over the Pacific.Yes, relationships are a fuzzy matter. But when all is said and done, there are three types of relationships which exist in all in our lives: the bad, the better and the best.Getting to 1+1=3: The 3 Types of Relationships in Your LifeA loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.- Leo F. Buscaglia1. Dependent relationship (1+0=0)This type of relationship is when one side is dependent on the other side, or when both are dependent on the other.This is definitely the worst possible type of relationship. Since you feel that are not adequate on your own, you seek to find approval in the other person.How often do we hear or see in our friends' circle that someone is searching for his or her better half to bring them happiness? It's sad, because true happiness can only come from inside ourselves. It's psychologically impossible to be happy with someone else if you are not first happy with yourself. Unless we are enough for ourselves, we will never be happy.You might say, "But there are people who are in a dependent relationship and seem happy, no?" And the main thing here is "seem." People like that either lie to themselves (which is again unhealthy for the relationship) or perhaps enjoy having someone else fill all of their wants and needs so that they don't appear alone. Or they could be on the other side of the equation, and enjoy having someone be dependent on them because it makes them feel indispensable. In the first situation, you are the victim and you're searching for someone to cling to. You will live your life through that person. In the second situation, you are the person who enjoys having someone need them because then you feel like they can't drop you. In both situations, both people lose.That's why this heading has the title 1+0=0. Because even when you have one person who is completely formed and wants to do something, the other person just keeps you down with their dependency.This formula could've been 0+1=0 or 0+0=0. However you frame the situation, it's unhealthy, unsustainable and doesn't lead to happiness.The people in this relationship don't have their own life, they have their partner's life. The partner's life becomes their life. But when you put your life's value into your partner and forget your own, it can only lead to a breakup down the line.Only when we love ourselves can we provide real love to someone else, and a kind of love that will provide the basis for growth, instead of a reason to rot.When we are enough for ourselves, we come to the second type of relationships.2. Independent relationship (1+1=2)This type of relationship is when one side has complete independence of the other side. This is the first step towards a healthy relationship. Independent relationships are the ones where we have two individuals, where each one has their own life, purpose, and a vision they strive for. Their own life is their first priority.Independent people are often more than enough for themselves, but this can mean that they can't seem to find the place for someone else in their lives. That is the main problem with these types of relationships. When you have two strong, self-reliant individuals, they question themselves often on whether or why they even need someone else. These individuals can be self-centered, and often lack a desire to cooperate with other people.Because these people don't want to or can't see the benefits of sharing their time with someone else, these types of relationships can lead to problems such as emotional distance, feelings of constant competition, or high standards that the other person can't handle. I have been guilty of this in the past. I had my standards and didn't want to settle for anything less. It made me unapproachable, even for the people I consider friends. So I figured out a way to deal with this. But more on that in the next subheading. The title here is 1+1=2,because two strong individuals can make something more -- but not more than their collective sum.Yet independence is still the first step towards the best possible type of relationship, which is:3. Synergistic relationship (1+1=3)This type of relationship is when an independent, self-reliant individual decides to share his or her life with another independent, self-reliant individual, to create a synergy that results in more than the sum of its parts.I saved the best for last. The synergistic relationship is the type we should all strive for. Synergistic relationships are based on both individuals being on the same wavelength, when they completely understand each other and don't try to limit the space they occupy in each other's lives.The heading, 1+1=3, speaks to the power of the relationship, where the two partners combine to create something more. Only when we accept ourselves fully and realize that true happiness can only come from within us, are we then able to build a synergistic relationship. Only then can you find a person with whom you can be fully you, and yet still have the feeling of building something larger. And when you do, it's smart not to let that person go. This doesn't mean that you should leech onto that person and make the relationship dependent. I've seen this happen. Don't do this. Just acknowledge that the person in front of you is someone with whom you can build a better future than by yourself, and put in the effort to nurture it and keep it strong.ConclusionFor people already in synergistic relationships, I want to congratulate and tell you to keep it up.For people in independent relationships, I want to ask you to recognize that not everything has to be done on your own. Try opening yourself up to other people, and see the magic that can be created.For people in dependent relationships, maybe it's time to stop and evaluate your life and your relationships. Keep working on yourself to build up your confidence, and strive to develop codependent relationships in all areas of your life.
The Sacred 3 Findings of Life: the 1%, the Tribe and the System
Life is all about discovery. It is sometimes the things we find within ourselves, and sometimes external. There are things we add to ourselves that make us better, and things that we remove to make us more authentic. In all of this findings, there are three crucial ones that we seek our entire life. These three are the 1%, the Tribe and the System. So let's get right into it. The Sacred 3 Findings of Life: The 1%, the Tribe and the System The soul which has no fixed purpose in life is lost; to be everywhere, is to be nowhere. - Michel de Montaigne The 1% We are mostly unaware that we are searching for our 1%. When asked what we want in life, we respond with, "love, happiness, success." But how we get these things often remains unknown to us. To get love, happiness, or success, we need to figure out what drives us. And these drivers are always based on our internal well-being, on our internal sources of motivation. And here is the catch. Nobody can figure out what your internal motivation is except you. It is unique and authentic for every single one of us on Earth. You need to go on an internal adventure to find what it is that you deeply care about. You need to figure what is your own personal 1%. When you discover that, everything else becomes noise in the background -- "things you really, truly, absolutely, don't give a fuck about," as Mark Manson would say. And you become a leader of yourself. So go on an adventure. Try stuff out, see what you like and dislike. Ask yourself why. Reinvent yourself. Become true to yourself and you will figure out your 1%. And when you obtain it, your life will never be the same again. You will see the world through different eyes. And you will know why you were put on this Earth. But knowing this is not enough. There are big obstacles ahead which you will need to deal with to be able to live out your purpose. The Tribe You are the average of 5 people you spend the most time with. - Jim Rohn Figuring out your 1% is only the first step. When you figure it out, you need to live it. And this is where it gets super hard. Because you need to change your surroundings. You need to change the people whom you hang out with. Because like it or not, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And if you are spending time with people who only drag you down and take a dump on your life goals, vision, and purpose, you will eventually start to do the same to your goals, vision, and purpose. We are created to learn from osmosis. This basically means that you copy what people around you do. That's why Buddhism is not the major religion in Italy, nor Catholicism in India. And it's why you need to find a group of people who support you in this endeavor. You have to have clear standards and criteria when picking your friends. Now that you understand your purpose, you can align your tribe with your 1%. And you need to sever the ties with people who just hold you down. I know that this is hard, and it sucks in the beginning. But it is the difference between just knowing what your purpose is and never achieving it, and knowing what it is and actually fulfilling it. If you don't believe me, believe Jay-Z, Michael Beckwith or many others who shared the same process in their books. Once you find your Tribe, you'll arrive at the last finding. The System You know what you need to do. You have people who support you. And now, it's all about making it happen. For this, we need the System. The System is a collection of habits and rituals you do daily to live a purposeful life and achieve your life's vision. We need a system because our willpower depletes easily, so we can't rely on it in the long haul. The System helps us develop habits that will bring us a successful life, however we define that. The System is usually based on just a couple of things you do every day which brings you closer and closer to your vision. For Warren Buffet it's reading, for James Altucher it's writing, and for Tony Robbins, it's practicing gratitude in the morning. These kinds of habits are called keystone habits, because their positive effects ripple through every areas of your life. Here, you just need to define what kind of keystone habit will help you most in your 1%. Maybe it's reading, maybe writing, maybe both. For me, it's both reading and writing every single day. But that doesn't have to be for you. Remember, it has to align with your 1%. The 3 findings When you pursue your journey and figure out your 1%, your life will change. Then, you will find your Tribe which helps and supports you and makes you feel safe. And at the end, you will find your System. With these, you will conquer your goals and achieve your vision. So what are you waiting for? Go and find your 1%, your Tribe, and your System. And tell me about it in the comments.