Stop Fighting! 4 Steps to Improve Communication for a Healthier, Stronger Relationship
Have you and your partner ever fought about the most insignificant thing and suddenly found yourselves bringing up all the bad things the other person has done since you were together? We've all been there! And it's a natural consequence of us not being able to truly work out our past issues.Many times, we simply let go of things or compromise for the sake of not fighting anymore. We believe that if we stop talking about it and allow time to pass by, the cause of the fight will magically disappear. Unfortunately this does not just happen. Hurt needs to heal and in order for it to heal, we need to talk about it and process it. With time, these feelings of hurt will turn into resentment. And this resentment will be lurking, waiting for the next time we feel less important or not seen by our partner, only to come back with the same intensity. At this point, we usually start the blame game, where everything happens because of the other person. This is when we end up in negative cycles with no end or resolution. Stop Fighting! 4 Steps to Improve Communication for a Healthier, Stronger RelationshipBut then again, there are two in a relationship. It takes two for it to work and also, for it to slide into the cycle. This negative cycle will continue as long as both get reactive. For this reason, it is very important that both of you realize that moving away from the cycle and actually creating a new positive cycle -- one that leads to connection instead of disconnection -- is something you both need to work on together. Here are four steps you can both take to break that negative cycle and start creating a positive, healthier one that will make your relationship stronger:Step 1: Recognize your role in itBoth of you are in this together and you have created a "relational dance" where you are both reacting and bringing up past hurt. We tend to look outside for the problem and the solution of the problem, leaving us feeling completely powerless. If you both realize that you do have the capacity to change things around, you can use these moments of disconnection to create a stronger relationship.Step 2: Awareness! Recognize your reactionIt only takes a moment for something to get to us. We feel that trigger, that twirling energy inside that sends us to that place of reactivity, either by wanting to escape to a faraway place or by wanting to fight and get our voice heard. Either reaction will be a trigger for your partner as well, leading you both towards your well-known cycle. But remember: the way you react can distance you from your partner instead of bringing the two of you closer together.If you recognize that you are feeling triggered, pay attention to the intensity of your reaction. If you cannot calm yourself down, take some time out. Let your partner know that you need some time before you say or do something you will later regret. When you feel calmer, when that twirling sensation is no longer there, go to step 3. Step 3: Recognize what you really want to sayAs you calm down, notice what is really happening inside of you and what it is that you really want to say for yourself and about yourself. Recognize your feelings and what fuels all that anger and frustration. Are you feeling hurt and sad because your feelings or thoughts seem not to be important to your partner? Are you feeling guilty because you did something that hurt (or could potentially hurt) your partner’s feelings? Are you feeling vulnerable and powerless because it seems that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough?If you can recognize any of these anguishes, imagine what would happen if you were to say them out loud instead of pointing the finger and getting defensive. Step 4: Recognize your needsSee if you can pin-point what you need from your partner. How can your partner help you? Do you need comfort? Would a hug help? Do you need him or her to listen to you? Express these needs clearly.Try this exercise once with your partner and see what happens. I am confident you will find a very different way of relating to one another. If you learn to master this, you can actually create a positive cycle where you both feel closer and more connected with one another.To learn more about building healthier relationships, check out our piece on the wheel of emotions.
After the Hurricane: 6 Things You Can Do to Help Your Loved Ones
The force of nature at its greatest can be a terrifying thing to experience. In the face of hurricanes and natural disasters like Irma, some choose to stay and withhold while others choose to leave, not knowing how their safe place called home will look once they return. Both experiences involve overwhelming fear and moments of intense uncertainty and stress. Everyone responds to such traumatic experiences in different ways. But when our survival mode is turned on and stays on for a prolonged period of time, there are emotional and psychological consequences. The end of the storm is not the end of the internal commotion it caused in our minds and bodies. When we are not able to deal and process intense experiences of fear or terror, we begin to experience symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. After the Hurricane: 6 Things You Can Do to Help Your Loved Ones What to watch out for? Anxiety, depression and post-traumatic symptoms come in different forms and at different times. Some people may experience symptoms a week after and some even years later. This makes things difficult, because we have the idea that as time goes by, we heal. The reality is that if we don’t process our experiences, we might repress them and remain unaware of them, even as they are affecting our perception of the world, ourselves, and others. It's important to remember also that children tend to be more susceptible to developing symptoms, since they don’t have the psychological tools required to process and make sense of intense experiences. These are some symptoms you can look out for to see if someone you love is experiencing an emotional aftermath of the hurricane. Sudden and unexpected outbursts of irritability or anger; intense reactions of anger that are not proportional to the situation and that are uncommon to this individual. Sleeping too much or being unable to fall or stay asleep. Here we can also include having recurrent nightmares. Being disconnected and withdrawn from others. Experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety such as: being unable to relax, feeling uneasy and shaky, feeling nervous, your heart pounding and racing, experiencing hot and/or cold sweats, difficulty breathing, feeling dizzy and lightheaded or even fainting, feeling tingly, and wobbliness in the legs. Loss of interest in things he/she used to enjoy. Having difficulty concentrating. Feeling jumpy and easily startled. Having repeated and disturbing thoughts, memories, images, or dreams of their experience with the hurricane. Feeling very upset when something reminds this person of their experience during the hurricane. The presence of these symptoms might be signs of intense anxiety, depression, and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. It is important that they reach out to an expert to help them because if left untreated, it could get worse. How can I help? There is so much that you can do to help your loved one as they heal from this terrifying experience. Here are some important tips: Normalize their feelings: Many times, when we start to experience some of the symptoms described above, we begin to think that there is something wrong with us. Sometimes some time has gone by since the hurricane, so we do not make the connection with the event. It is important to understand that this is a very normal reaction to such an intense and traumatic experience. Normalizing it and knowing that there are treatments and help available is very important because it provides hope, and helps us keep going. Listen, listen, Listen: Allow them to give voice to their feelings. Help them label their feelings. Validate them in a non-judgmental way. Practice your empathy and be very patient. Help them take care of themselves: Remind them to eat a good and healthy diet, help them exercise and go out and enjoy the sun and nature. Help facilitate a good night’s sleep. Recommend a hot bath a couple hours before bedtime, and using some essential oils to help relax the muscles before sleeping. Recommend some mindfulness and meditation exercises, you can also do these together. Have fun, find time to play and laugh!
How to Let Go of Your Ex in an Era of Social Media
Our world is digital, and we depend more and more on technology to connect with each other. Those days of calling a friend to chat are almost over -- now we communicate via social media. We have a distinct presence and identity on social media, using it to see what others are up to, and letting others see us. Social media can be very beneficial. It can bring us together over long distances; it can help us have a sense of connection with others anywhere and at any time. It also sometimes helps us express things we would probably not express in person. But what happens when we break up and are trying to move on from a relationship, and yet wherever we look, we see our ex? When, feeling anxious, we start to look for what our ex is up to only to see what a great time he/she is having without us, and then experience increased feelings of rejection that make us feel even worse about ourselves? Here are some recommendations of how to deal with social media so that you can move on and stop hurting. How to Let Go of Your Ex in an Era of Social Media Some of think that holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s letting go. - Herman Hesse 1. Set healthy boundaries about the information you share It is very important that you process what is happening inside of you, and acknowledge the loss you are experiencing. This is a time when your feelings are very raw and you might feel vulnerable. Sometimes we want to vent about our ex. Stop yourself, because you might later regret it. Not everyone reading your post will be kind to you, and you don’t need to put your heart out there. Take care of yourself. During these times, a healthy support system is important. Talk about your feelings with caring family or friends, and find groups of individuals going through what you are going though, and can understand you. Surround yourself with loving and caring individuals. 2. Find the courage to cut them out of your life If what you are seeing upsets you and you find yourself obsessing about your ex’s posts or who they might be going out with, you need to stop. Cut them off, delete them from your friends' list, or hide their posts if you think that would be best. Do not put yourself in the position of witnessing how happy your ex is without you. Also, remember that people can create a perfect image through social media that might not necessarily be true. Sometimes even, the more people post how wonderful their life is, the less true it is. They seem to be more focused on posting pictures of what a nice time they are having than on enjoying the moment fully, without distractions or the need for witnesses to their "happiness." 3. Never post anything while you are angry, sad or hurt The best decisions and the wisest words come from a place of calmness, not of vulnerability. You will probably regret it when you calm down. 4. Control your urge to get connected again Sometimes we feel the urge to reconnect, either by liking or commenting on their posts, or by sending texts or messages. This can hurt you in the long run, and it is not healthy for you. It tells you that you are not over your ex, and that you need to heal the pain within you before you can start a healthy relationship. If you feel this urge, immediately call a friend, connect with someone else, or go for a walk until you feel calmer and more in control. Do not repress your feelings -- be in touch with them, recognize them, express them -- but do it in a healthy way. 5. Stop being curious, it’s negative! We are naturally curious about the new person your ex might be seeing. How do they look? What do they like? What are they like? What do they have that I don’t? It is natural to be curious and to compare ourselves with them. Do not open communication with them. They do not know you; they are not in a place where they really want to hear from you. Maintain a distance with them. Notice your inner world. Notice how you feel when you look at your ex’s pictures or the pictures of their new romantic interests. Notice what you are saying to yourself. If you find yourself comparing yourself to them, feeling anxious, sad and down, or having the compulsion to spend hours on social media, you need to stop and pay attention to what is happening inside of you. All this probably means that you are not over your ex, but that they might be over the relationship or are at least trying to be. Notice what that says to you and what that means to you. Be kind with yourself. Love yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Fill your day with things that nurture you. This does not mean not to feel hurt or angry. Feel it, put words to it. Talk about it with others that care about you and who you feel safe with. Think of what you would advise your dearest friend to do and not to do, and then follow your inner wisdom and advice. It is probably good advice for you too.