How to Say No to Toxic People and Yes to Yourself
We all know the damage that toxic people can do in our lives. We all know that toxic people exist in every kind of relationship imaginable. That’s never been the question.The question always is: So, yeah, my (insert appropriate relationship here) is toxic. What the heck (or other appropriate word) do I do about it? Well, it's hard truth time: When it comes to toxic people, it’s always you. Not them.How to Say No to Toxic People and Yes to YourselfOne’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.- Michael J. FoxToxic people are going to do what they do -- use toxicity as a way to get their needs met. The solutions always lie within us. We have no control over what a toxic person says, does, doesn’t say, or doesn’t do. The only thing we have any control over it is how we respond to it.What is your unedited, uncensored response?What are you thinking? What are you feeling? If this could get resolved in the exact way you want it to, what do you want to see happen from here? Get crystal clear on what it is you want and then move to the how.Is this a fight worth fighting?Any time you engage with a toxic person about their behavior, there is going to be some form of conflict. It might be trite and wholly passive aggressive. It might result in a silent treatment and avoidance of the whole thing or it might result in an all-out war.Before you choose to engage, you have to decide that this is a fight worth fighting for you; that not saying something or not doing something in response to this treatment doesn’t work for you or your self-respect, and that it has be to acknowledged.This won’t be true every time. Not every transgression or pattern needs to be addressed. You don’t have the time or energy for every fight. Make sure you pick the ones that matter to you. A good rule of thumb for this is the 24-hour rule, or the seven-day rule. If you’re still feeling put upon, disrespected, or disregarded X amount of time after the event, it’s likely that you need to address it.Start with transparent communicationThe toxic person can read any meaning they want into your words. They can ignore everything you say and just do what they want to.Communication isn’t for them. It’s for you. It’s so that when things hit the fan, you’ll know you did everything possible to have a more desirable outcome. You are focusing on saying what you mean and meaning what you say for your own peace of mind, not for the toxic person’s.1. Tell the person what you want them to think.Yesterday when we were talking, you said X. Honestly, I had a reaction to that. It made me feel Y and think Z. I am not happy with how we left things, and I need to revisit that conversation.2. Tell the person clearly where that leaves them in relationship to you.Whether you intended to or not, your comment has left me thinking A. It changes the way I see you and our relationship. Going forward I expect B and C. I know you might not agree and you might find this offensive but that’s where I land with this when all is said and done.3. Don’t debate your thoughts, feelings, or boundaries.Whatever you intended didn’t work out. This happened and I had a reaction. That reaction is simply not up for debate. I need this part of our relationship to change and that isn’t up for debate either. This is simply something that needs to change.4. Stick to the boundary.No exceptions here. As soon as you make an exception to a rule, color outside the lines, or treat the toxic person as different or special, you’re sacrificing your self-respect. You will second-guess yourself. You will doubt yourself. Neither are reasons to not set the boundary. Toxic people are good at making us question our experiences. You know what you think. You know what you feel and you know what you need. Those are reasons enough to protect yourself from further toxicity, and the toxic person doesn’t have to agree with that.You will walk away with grief and unmet needsToxic people leave us wanting, longing, hurting, and questioning. They leave us angry, stuck, and scared. They can make it so we feel trapped or stuck.Many people wait until those feelings subside before they have the hard talk or set the boundary. That’s a mistake. Setting boundaries is going to feel bad. By definition, it's a situation where someone wants to be closer to us than we want to be with them.Toxic people want liberties on our time, attention, and energy that we are simply not willing to give them. In addition, they will sometimes be leaving us with a host of unmet needs. Accepting that you can’t get water from an empty well is a crucial part of this process.The toxic person is limited, just not in the way they thinkHere’s the second painful truth. The toxic person, no matter their role in your life, is simply incapable of meeting your needs, even if they want to. Accepting that and moving on is painful when the person is a parent, partner, or family member. Toxic people will tell you all the reasons they can’t. They will come up with all kinds of fronts or reasons to cast the blame on someone else and protect themselves from accountability. And here’s one place where they get it right: They can’t. They’re incapable.We tell ourselves that toxic people make these choices. That they choose to live in the hurtful, combative way that they do. Therefore, we think they can stop choosing it. We tell ourselves stories about how they can do better but choose not to.This is simply not true. Their ability to function in relationships in a healthy way is often impaired. The whys and reasons for this are large and varied. Some simply lack resiliency. Some can’t do intimacy. Others lack training. Many were traumatized. There are so many reasons why people develop repetitive patterns of hurting people they are close to.Acceptance means saying yes to yourselfAcceptance means understanding that that person cannot meet your needs, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the rest of your life longing, searching, or wanting more love and respect. It means recognizing and accepting that what you need will be best provided by someone other than the toxic person.It doesn’t make the hurt any less painful, but if we choose to accept that they would change if they could, it gives us the freedom to choose for ourselves: to decide that because they can’t show up in the way that we need, we need to show up differently for them -- and ourselves.
Turn Your Favorite Sports Movie Quotes into a Game Plan for Life
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all have a Mister Miyagi in our lives? Someone to train, guide, and condition us through our broken hearts, fractured dreams, and moments of indecision?Sports movies have given us spectacular moments of triumph over adversity. Together, they offer a game plan for how to do life. Take a look and just see what happens next.How to Turn Your Favorite Sports Movie Quotes into a Game Plan for LifeIt’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.- Rocky Balboa (Sylvestor Stallone)Play: Don’t Expect it to Be EasyPlaybook from: A League of Their Own Skill to learn: It’s supposed to be hard. If it weren't hard, everyone would be doing it. The hard is what makes it great.The lesson: Everywhere we go, we hear messages about losing those quick ten pounds, getting to five-figure months, or aspiring to other such great things. They -- whoever they are -- make it sound so easy.Soon after, you remember something you already knew: losing weight, chasing dreams, improving your career -- those things require work, and that work is anything but easy. It takes commitment and consistency. You have to believe in what you’re doing when the results aren’t immediate. You have to stay the course and overcome obstacles.The takeaway:Lean into the process.Rely on your experience to remind you of what you know.Practice, plan, and prepare for the hard.Focus on the fundamentals, just like Daniel in Karate Kid. (Sorry, millennials, there is only one real Karate Kid, and he isn’t Will Smith’s son.) See “hard” as part of the process and own it, rather than becoming a victim to it.Play: Show Up and Take Your TurnPlaybook from: MiracleSkill to learn: Great moments are born from great opportunity... If we played them ten times, they might win nine, but not this game. Not tonight. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.The lesson: Don’t let the odds stop you from showing up. Yes, people who take big chances for love sometimes end up alone. We know that not everyone who tries out for the team will make it and most people who do play will be denied an opportunity to play professionally. Don’t use the odds as an excuse for never starting.Why can’t it be you?You have to show up. Every time. Every day. You have to show up for yourself in order to defy those odds. The people who never try, never fail. We know this. However, they never win, either. The takeaway:Go against the odds.Focus on what you do best.Use every resource available to help you.Ask for help.Accept help.Identify your weak spots.Play to your strengths.Show up as a winner.Believe you can win.Don’t let odds or risk determine the ending to your game. Make a plan, make your move, and execute. It’s not over until the final bell or whistle. Make sure you play every play and take advantage of every opportunity.Play: Small Steps Lead to Big GainsPlaybook from: Any Given SundaySkill to learn: Life is a game of inches, and the margin for error is so small. The inches we need are everywhere around us. We fight for that inch, because we know that when we add up all those inches, it’s going to make the difference between winning and losing.The lesson: Don’t focus on just the big plays and the big movements. Success is found in the steps.The takeaway:Don’t focus on all of the steps. Just focus on what is next.Recognize every opportunity, not just the grand ones.Fight for each step, each effort.Get clear on your goal. Break down the steps and simply focus on each step without skipping one or phoning it in. Respect the process and recognize that things worth working for -- and waiting for -- really do take time. Play: Focus on the FundamentalsPlaybook from: HoosiersSkill to learn: If you put your efforts and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best you can be, I don’t care what the scoreboard says, at the end of the day, we’re going to be winners.Sports lovers have all seen the slick plays that have gone horribly wrong. Someone gets ahead of themselves (Remember this?), tries to make something more complicated than it needs to be, takes their foot off the gas, etc.The slick moves are shiny and get attention, but they rarely win the game. That’s why they’re called "miracles" and "Hail Mary’s," right?The takeaway:Focus on the fundamentals.Show up consistently and have a strong work ethic.Practice the basics so they can be executed flawlessly when they are needed most.Stay focused until the final bell.Play: Keep Your Head in the Game -- but Bring Your Heart, Too.Playbook from: We are MarshallSkill to learn: I want to tell you about our opponent this afternoon. They’re bigger, faster, stronger, more experienced, and on paper, they’re just better -- and they know it, too. But I want to tell you something that they don’t know. They don’t know your heart.The lesson: You can know where all of the X’s and O’s go. You can know everything you need to know, but if you don’t bring your heart with you, people are not going to care. Your story, your experience, your life lessons -- those things are important, and they are a part of you. You can’t leave them behind in the lockerroom. The takeaway:Show up. Bring your true self to the table.Separate yourself from the pack by showing your true spirit.Communicate your intent.Tell them you care and follow up with action.Connect by refusing to do things robotically or how they have always been done.The Play: How to Get Back Up After a FallPlaybook from: Rocky BalboaThe Skill: You, me, nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you’re hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit, how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. The lesson: You had to know this one was coming! We’ve heard it a million times, because it doesn’t stop being true: “Quitters never win and winners never quit.” No one is going to hit it out of the park every time they are up at bat. Beginner’s luck doesn’t last forever. Failures and loss come with life, and sometimes thing won’t swing your way, even when you have tried your best and done everything you could. The takeaway:Accept the failures, falls, and losses as part of the process, not the end game.And most importantly, learn from them.A motivational speech is not going to change that because, of course, as Tyson tells us: Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. Right?You don’t want to be knocked down. You want to do everything in your power to plan and prepare yourself so that you don’t get knocked down. But you’re not going to win every game or every race. Sometimes, it just won’t be your turn. This game of life, though -- it isn’t a race. It’s a marathon, and to outlast it, you have to stay the course, no matter the knock-downs and obstacles that come your way.
How to Talk Back to the Hater in Your Head
F-E-A-R has two meanings: Forget Everything and Run or Face Everything and Rise. - Zig Ziglar We love these kinds of quotes, don't we? They inspire us and move us into action. At the very least, they move us to click the 'like' and 'share' buttons in our social media feeds so that we can spread the love and encouragement. What happens next, though? How do you use those words to take action in your lives, on your dreams, and in your relationships? It starts with choosing to face fear and learning to talk back -- loudly -- to the hater in your head. How to Talk Back to the Hater in Your Head People like to encourage you to just walk on by your fear and wave past it as you saunter into your new life. Those people, though -- they are not in your head. They don’t really know how loud you inner critic can be, or how insistent the doubters in your own life can be, when you start thinking or talking about taking chances, pursuing new dreams, or making change. They just don’t know. But you do. Here’s what I know: You can’t just kumbaya your way through fear. You have to go to war. - Heather Gray Sure, you might be taking your fair share of deep breaths along the way, and that miracle morning mantra you repeat will come in handy. But to really face fear and create a new ending for this chapter in your story, you have to prepare for battle and get your game plan together. Get prepared: Know your enemy In order to face your fears, you need to understand your fears. Of course, there are people who manage clinical anxiety or chronic worry, but that’s not what we’re really talking about here. Those of you suffering with symptoms of clinical anxiety may indeed benefit from these strategies that will be outlined, but you might also need additional professional support and services to really achieve a higher level of health and function. When we talk about fear in the self-improvement and personal development arena, we are most often referring to the biological response our bodies have to risk, change, or anything new. It’s the voice that says: What if I fail? Why me? Who am I to think I can pull this off? If it were really a great idea, someone else would have already thought of it. I’m too old, too young, or too [fill in the blank] for this. I have no business being here… You might remember this from your high school biology days. Us animals are hard-wired with a fight or flight response. We instinctively want to flee when danger, risk, or the unknown approaches us or or we are compelled to fight. Your hater in your head is partly there because of biology. It can’t immediately suss out the difference between seeing a shadow in the dark and having a new, innovative idea for your career or business. The doubts you might hear from those around you are also influenced by that same biological instinct. What happens next is up to you. It’s your move. Sure, you have a biological response to fear but that is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for choosing not to take action in your life. You can’t just sit back on your laurels and blame biology for why nothing changes in your life. Now that you know what to expect, you know you can fight it. Open your arsenal: Fight fear with competence For some reason, so many people stop at the questions. What if I fail... what if I am not good enough... what if…. Well, why not take the second to answer those questions! What does happen if you fail? Will you be wrecked? Will you be capable of recovering? Will you be giving up something of yourself that you can’t possibly get back? If you were to fail, would you really find yourself regretting ever trying? If you fail, are you capable of getting back up? The answers to these questions become the arsenal you use to talk back to the fears, the hater, and the doubters. Sure you don’t want to fail, but if you must fail, in all likelihood, you’ll be okay in the end. Not wanting to fail and not being capable of failing are two completely different things. Your capacity is where your proof lies, and it’s on you to start amassing the evidence of what you are truly capable of. Start collecting examples of all the times where you have succeeded, where you have thrived, where you have stepped out and shone. Take stock of what you know and what you are capable of accomplishing. Acknowledge the fear and talk back to it You see the fear. You know it’s there, and you know what it looks like. It’s technically there because it has your back. It just doesn’t yet know that you’ve got this. You’re already on it. See the fear, acknowledge it, and argue with it using what you know to be true about your capabilities. Don’t wait for fear to pass before making your move An enemy doesn’t just change its mind and retreat when you start to confront it. You can’t just sit there and think or talk your way out of fear. It might remain there as you grapple with it. That simply is not a reason not to take a risk. You are not going to feel comfortable the first time you face a fear, or even the second time. Over time, though, your automatic thoughts will change and that is how the fear dissipates. Determine your next move by answering this one question You know what your fear looks and sounds like. You know what to anticipate, and now you know how to respond. However, as you go forward into your new challenge and take new risks, new obstacles will find you. They’ll either be real challenges that you will need to problem-solve your way out of, or they will be stories you have simply created inside your head. Either way, at each road block, ask yourself this one question: Am I willing to stay where I am and keep feeling the way I do in order to avoid the fear that comes with taking the next step? If the answer is yes, own it. You’re in control. However, if the answer is no, get moving! You’ve got some fear to kick. You’ve got this, and you’re ready. We’re all just excitedly waiting to find out what you do next.
8 Ways Mentally Tough Entrepreneurs Forge Their Own Success
To be successful as an entrepreneur, you need to be mentally tough. If you’re familiar with strength training, you know that strength can’t be improved in just ten reps. Your muscles become more defined when you do those ten reps, on repeat, over time. Your performance improves with the repetition and as you add more weight to each of your workouts. The same is true for mental toughness. You don’t become mentally tough the first time you face a situation with some grit. Mental toughness is like any other muscle. It builds, strengthens, and improves over time and with repetition. 8 Ways Mentally Tough Entrepreneurs Forge Their Own Success I learned to always take on things I'd never done before. Growth and comfort do not coexist. - Ginni Rometty, President and CEO of IBM They feel the fear but do it anyway Once you’re in the entrepreneurial space for any amount of time, you'll start to hear this phrase all of the time. Yet as the memes scroll by in your newsfeed, it’s rare anyone takes the additional characters to actually explain how you do it. Our bodies are biologically wired against risk. We call it fight or flight. If our bodies sense danger, it’s in our DNA to go into high alert to protect ourselves. The mentally tough entrepreneurs know to push past and through those fears by tuning into their capability. They don’t want to fail. They truly hope they don’t, but they will be okay if they do. They remind themselves of past successes and past times they have failed and have gotten back up. They remind themselves of the potential they see in what they are doing. When you see the meme “you have to want something more than you’re afraid of it,” this is what that means. Mentally tough entrepreneurs choose to do it every day. They don’t stop at the obstacles Entrepreneurs know that questions and obstacles come with the territory. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that roadblocks may require them to pause, problem-solve, and ask questions, but they don’t freeze with inaction. They know that questions, obstacles, or unexpected events are not a reason to stop permanently. When they don’t know the answer to something, they don’t tell themselves that they should. They don’t take not knowing something as some kind of sign that they aren’t supposed to be doing this, or that someone else might be able to do it better or more efficiently. They pause and get on with the business of figuring it out so that they can move on to the next thing. They let go of striving for perfection If you wait for everything to be perfect and focus excessively on getting everything right, you’ll never launch. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that good is enough. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that there will always be time to fine tune, add on, take off, or adjust their product or service in the future. Their focus becomes on getting their idea out there, getting feedback, gauging the public’s reaction, and preparing for future iterations of their idea. They invest in themselves and their businesses Everyone loves the stories about the scrappy entrepreneurs who built their businesses by bootstrapping, doing everything DIY-style from their basements and garages. However, the mentally tough entrepreneurs recognize that this approach can also represent a fear or hesitancy to invest in themselves. They know that this often can be a risk-avoidance strategy that will lead to a business’s failure to launch. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that they cannot operate successfully as islands. They cannot possibly be successful at everything or know everything. They know they can’t see their own blocks or hear their own limiting beliefs. Mentally tough entrepreneurs are not made smaller by not knowing. They grow further into their strength by asking for help, hiring mentors or coaches, and attending trainings. Mentally tough entrepreneurs anticipate the moment when their business growth will be compromised by their inability to physically do it all. They know they will need to hire, delegate, and outsource tasks when their time would be better spent on other things. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that in order to grow, they will need to relinquish some control, and let go of the idea that they can and have to do it all. They build relationships and embrace competition When you keep everything you know and the value you have to offer under lock and key and fail to share it, you are operating from a place of scarcity. Mentally tough entrepreneurs have learned that there is plenty of room in their space to share what they know. They don’t obsess about their ideas being stolen, or fear that no one will buy from them if they are generous with their knowledge. Mentally tough entrepreneurs recognize that by sharing what they know, they become bigger. They attract loyal customers and raving fans. Mentally tough entrepreneurs build credibility within their spaces by networking and demonstrating leadership. Their confidence in their own value and worth is not reliant on the dollar signs at the end of a potential sale, but instead lies in their knowledge that they have the ability to land the next sale and the one after that, too. They fail and get back up. On repeat. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that they will sometimes fail and understand that success is often found at the end of a long series of trials and errors. They don’t stop at failure, even when they come to realize that it really is time to quit on one of their ideas. Mentally tough entrepreneurs will, of course, feel the initial pain of momentary defeat, but they don’t freeze. They re-evaluate, adjust, pivot, and try again until they find the magic sauce where something sticks. They embrace change Nothing stays the same. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know that the things that brought them their initial success are not the same things that will give them consistent success going forward. Trends change. The tech involved is always changing. Popular culture and interests change at warp speed. What’s hot today may not be hot tomorrow. Mentally tough entrepreneurs know this and anticipate this without resistance. They prepare for change as best as possible. When caught unaware, they don’t stay stuck in the mud or refuse to move with the changing tides. They learn what they need to learn to join with the trends and do their best to go with the flow. They aren’t afraid to live Mentally tough entrepreneurs give their all to their businesses without making their lives their businesses. They work to live instead of the other way around. Mentally tough entrepreneurs are not afraid to look away from their businesses so that they can be present for their lives. Mentally tough entrepreneurs make time for their hobbies and passions. They take care of their relationships. They understand that in order to avoid burnout and stay the course that entrepreneurship demands, taking care of themselves emotionally and physically is a requirement, not a luxury. They have the necessary confidence in themselves, and in their businesses, to know that it will all still be standing when they return. Mentally tough entrepreneurs run their businesses without letting their businesses run them.