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  • Owen Baxter

    Owen is a poet, actor and blogger living in London. For the past two years he has been on a journey toward becoming the best person that he can be, and it has rewarded him abundantly. He's now taken to writing articles on self-development to empower others to do the same.
The Voice of Stillness: Meditation and the Journey to the Self
Meditation

The Voice of Stillness: Meditation and the Journey to the Self

Meditation is perhaps one of the few things that can be equally agonizing and enriching. Sitting still for ten (or more) minutes as an observer of your thoughts, inhaling and exhaling, forces you to go through an experience -- not to reject it, deny it, suppress it, or put it off. This experience is one of the most difficult of all, because we are called on to stay with whatever comes rather than implement our usual tactic of running away. The practice of mindfulness meditation is a porthole into our subconscious. Everything ugly and daunting and painful has a way of arising in this still space, and our challenge is to allow those things to exist, yet without granting them power. The Voice of Stillness: Meditation and the Journey to the Self Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea. - Shunryu Suzuki For me, the above quote is about allowing an experience without indulging it any more than need be. It's about recognizing a feeling, a fear, an infatuation, but giving yourself the respect and right to let it pass. It suggests a rejection of the instinct to cling to any thought, thing, or one. It makes me think of having a conversation with my experience; a stern debate, a heart to heart, a welcoming hello, but not a "Since it's late, why don't you stay over?" invite. And I believe sometimes it is necessary to spend a fair amount of time in the beginning simply purging through the junk we've allowed to clog up inside us before we can access our stillest, most soothing, soulful inner voice. Focus on what you fear Recently I re-experimented with a meditative exercise I haven't done for months because it requires a great deal of emotional energy to endure. The exercise is simple: lie down on the floor with your knees raised and go through a list, out loud, of the things you fear. It's usually easier to start with irrational phobias like fears of insects and gradually move into deeper fears like abandonment, failure or the death of a loved one. READ: Your Fears Will Set You Free, but Only if You Free Them First I can guarantee that if you attempt this exercise tears will flow, and it will feel like ripping open old wounds. But this is good. It means you are purging old energy and making way for the new. My biggest belief about meditation is that one can't meditate properly and presently until they've gone through a process of eliminating the biggest obstacle standing in the way: a half-hearted, absent commitment, bred of a fear of big change. The journey of meditation There are tons of people out there who believe they "can't" meditate because they feel stillness does nothing for them. And in all honesty, that would be the case for anyone if they were just sitting still mindlessly, thinking about what they were going to eat for dinner. Meditation is an act of concentration anchored by the breath; an observation of every invasive ego-thought attempting to steer us away from our higher path. It necessitates a mature awareness and acceptance that some days will be easier than others. For almost a year I've committed to at least ten minutes of meditating a day, and I still struggle and get agitated on countless occasions. There are people who've been doing it for ten, twenty, thirty years who still say the same. Like comets in the sky This is where the value lies: not in the unquantifiable end-result, but rather in the going through. This is the itchy, unbearable, (sometimes) joyous, quiet place where we learn resilience and cultivate inner strength. As the famous quote asserts, "The goal of meditation isn't to control your thoughts, it's to stop letting them control you." Be honest with yourself here: how long have you let recurring thoughts rule your life? How many final decisions have you made that at the very last moment were infested with fear? How often in a day do you allow a moment to really take a deep, full, all-the-way-down-to-the-tips-of-your-toes, breath? READ: How to Calm the Chaos of Everyday Life With Mindfulness Meditation What would happen if you changed that reality, allowing your thoughts rite of passage by taking time to meditate every day? A quick guess would be that you'd become a much more efficient, wholesome person and much less of an anxious dweller. You'd spend more time focused on the tasks at hand in the present moment – the only one that is guaranteed – than on the mythical future life-changing ones that may or may not arrive. You'd begin to sense, as Oprah words it, "the still, small space inside me that is the same as the stillness in you." If you peel back the layers of your life -- the frenzy, the noise -- stillness is waiting. -- Oprah So, the next time you have a thought, negative or positive, rather than suppress it, diminish it, subdue it, or savor it -- sit with it in stillness. Experience it with your whole heart, then, in the same way trees, storms, stars and planets do, watch it pass.

Take Control of Your Mind, and Create Your New Reality
Mindset

Take Control of Your Mind, and Create Your New Reality

We need to take care of the well-being of our brains now more than ever. We are an over-thinking, over-working, over-worrying society. Our ancestors probably never foresaw a world of so much gloom; the energy we once used as adrenaline to help us outrun sabre-toothed cats now remains lodged within us with nowhere to go. Your result? An implosion of ceaseless anxiety. And what does anxiety produce? Self-hatred, doubt, resentment and just about every other detrimental emotion our minds can muster. Yet the truth is that we can learn to control our thoughts. Undoubtedly, this is a difficult concept -- because so many of us have latched onto the belief from birth that we are victims, end of story. But as late motivational author Louise Hay would have phrased it: if it's so impossible to reject negative thoughts about ourselves, how has it been possible for us to spend our whole lives rejecting positive thoughts about ourselves? Take Control of Your Mind, and Create Your New Reality I say "Out" to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it. -- Louise Hay I'll start off by stating I have no business with the school of fixed thinking. If you are a person who believes you are powerless against anything that comes your way in life, be it illness, financial crisis, or the death of someone dear to you – who believes, on some level, that no matter what you do, you will never heal, feel better, or at least find the opportunity that comes with every hardship -- then you will not like what I am about to say. A culture of complainers Because I believe that in the Western world we have habits that steer us toward negative lives. We listen to sad songs, read depressing books, watch movies about heartbreak, post bitter Facebook statuses about the infinitesimal, and complain about something as insignificant as a grey sky. We are so stuck in our own heads that we even over-analyze what we are going to say to an old school friend we see down the street -- and then, of course, beat ourselves up after the encounter, convinced we must have made a fool of our ourselves... The first step to accepting this is forgiveness. Maya Angelou said "When you know better, you do better" -- and it's true. You are not to blame for the fact that you have lived most of your life accustomed to tendencies that do not enhance your life. Our parents knew no better, because they were taught, as we were, that the world is a scary, cold, dog-eat-dog place destined to disappoint us. However, I'm here to rearrange your perspective. I'm here to reinforce the growth mindset. Flip the frame Our issue is that we've spent too much time planting negative thoughts, where no life grows at all. Everything stays dead and cold and sunless. Because we're so focused on all of the world's problems, diseases, hardships and hungers, we forget to do anything to try to change them. We set our Facebook profile pictures to a temporary filtered flag over our faces and we feel we've done our bit. Your victim mindset would like you to believe you are powerless in helping world causes; though with or without money you really could be doing more and you know it. Many successful authors, business people and athletes indebt their successes to the Law of Attraction, made famous by author Rhonda Byrne in The Secret. This phenomenon states that if you think and act in alignment with a desire or fear, you will eventually attract that thing into your life. For all of you sceptics out there, however, I'm here to demystify the concept -- by reframing it as the Law of Action. "Actions speak louder than words" The way we apply this saying to positive thinking is that if you can imagine your most ideal, vibrant, happy self, and then take the steps to act toward becoming that person -- eating better, spending more time with those you love and less with those you dislike, choosing a job you enjoy, being in a relationship with someone who supports your growth or ending one with someone who doesn't, and developing confidence in yourself and your ideas -- you will eventually end up being that person. But it's a long and gruelling process, littered with ruinous bouts of self-doubt, especially when those closest to you attempt to sabotage your chances of being your best out of a fear of your new power: Your power to pick yourself back up when once upon a time staying pinned down to the floor was more comfortable. Your power to look in the mirror and tell yourself that today will be a good day, despite your usual tendency to glare in the mirror with only dread in your eyes. Your power to banish every useless thought from your brain by staring in its ugly face, feeling it fully, then watching it pass as you do whatever you were scared of anyway. For now, I'll close on my favorite, which is from a book called The Second Circle by Patsy Rodenburg. Hopefully it will ignite within you a desire to be your brightest, boldest, most breathtaking self in all encounters: "You are much more alive and brilliant than you allow yourself to be."

Love Your Shadow: How to Use Your Darker Qualities to Help You Shine Bright
Self-Development

Love Your Shadow: How to Use Your Darker Qualities to Help You Shine Bright

Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung was the first to coin the term "Shadow Self" (to an extent, synonymous with Freud's "id"): the ugly part of our being that we don't wish to publicly own, leading us to suppress it and therefore project its qualities onto other people instead. There's no denying that the people you hate the most are people who, ironically, share similar qualities to the ones that you dislike in yourself. Perhaps you're someone who interrupts people often yet despises being interrupted yourself. Or you're an introvert who dislikes extroverted people because of their ease with expressing parts of themselves you find uncomfortable to express. Or maybe you're a critical mother who treats her children with a lack of respect, yet finds herself shocked when her children talk back to and criticize her on a consistent basis. Love Your Shadow: How to Use Your Darker Qualities to Help You Shine Bright Every person has a dark side. What defines a person with good character is not a spotless life of constant kindness, smiles and even temperament -- but a willingness to see in themselves their deepest and wildest selves, lust, greed, jealousy and envy. Their complete and authentic self. - Shannon Alder What do we usually do when people bring this side of ourselves to light? Defend. Deny. Forever try to hold back whatever bad quality was brought up about us out of a fear someone might bring it back up again. But what if we just submitted to and accepted these warts, blemishing our otherwise miraculous make-up? What if we switched perspective, seeing these flawed aspects not as diminishing but enhancing? What if they existed for the sole intention of making us... complete? When we submerge these parts of ourselves, they only show up in other areas of our lives. They show up in stubbed toes and poisonous relationships. In rejection letters and arguments with your partner. Only when you are willing to accept and forgive your darkness will it be able to heal and transform into deep light. There's a story in your scars The logic of this is backed by the Japanese practice of Kintsugi: when an object breaks (be it a bowl, mug, or vase), rather than super-glue it back together or throw it away, the Japanese instead mend the object by filling its cracks with lacquered gold. As opposed to hiding the flaws with an invisible glue, the practice instead chooses to highlight them – emphasising that the damage done to the object only makes it richer in experience and therefore more valuable and beautiful. What if we could look at our shadow selves this way? What if we could see that the parts we want to deny and cover up are actually our strengths, because they highlight the richness of our own experience? Loving your full self Your cynicism highlights that you have had it tough in life. Your jealousy highlights that you have been hurt before. Your anxiety highlights that you have been belittled by someone you cared about. These are not traits to be hated or hidden; they are traits to be nursed and forgiven. READ: Your Fears Will Set You Free, but Only if You Free Them First Acknowledging these (as society would perceive) uglier aspects is not about operating from them either, but rather about honoring where they come from while consciously choosing to act from a place of light anyway. Cue the Harry Potter quote... We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. -- Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Or perhaps a lesser known one from Haemin Sunim's The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: No one is inherently good or bad. Only the circumstance in which we encounter each other is good or bad. A criminal who happens to stop a car from running over me is an angel sent by God. A Nobel Peace prize winner who happens to bump into me on the subway is a jerk. -- Haemin Sunim I would greatly suggest further research into Shadow Work, because I believe it can heal your life. We would all be lying if we said we were entirely positive people from the tops of our heads to the tips of our toes. We all have bitterness, envy and rage inside of us, and the goal is not to ignore them but instead to notice and forgive them so vividly that their stigma disappears on its own. Channel your darkness into light Years ago I was almost excluded from secondary school, with the main reason being that I was too "opinionated" towards teachers. Yet when I started to use my opinion in class debates and as inquisitiveness to ace essays and exams, the school suddenly started to value this trait in me. The shadow is never the problem; the problem or lack thereof is the outlet you give the shadow. READ: The Happiness Hack: Learning to Love Your Negative Emotions This planet has homed the darkest of despairs, tragedies, losses, isolations, heartaches and griefs – and from these damp, cold, pitch-black caves have emerged some of the most triumphantly beautiful pieces of art the planet has seen. These artists chose to give their pain a positive outlet, which made us all the more enlightened for years to come. Next time you watch a super-hero movie, try this: empathize with the villain. Notice that the villain has every capability of using his or her powers for the betterment of the world if they choose to. Notice that they have been misled; that they became corrupted because once upon a time, someone made them feel powerless, and they never wanted to feel that way again. That regardless of the way they choose to use their power, there is no denying that their power is great. The shadow itself is never the problem, but rather the outlet you choose to give it.

Live Like You Already Have It, and You Will
Skills

Live Like You Already Have It, and You Will

So many people, when asked about their goals, immediately sling them far off into some mythical "one day" and allow them to settle there. "I'll start getting up early when I have a job," they'll say. "I'll stop eating junk and start eating healthy when someone buys me a gym pass," they'll moan. "I'll give money to charity when I'm rich," they’ll vow. But this "when" is always vague. Why? Because the truth is that you are never going to reach the point where you feel like changing your life.Live Like You Already Have It, and You WillYou need to recognize that the risk of moving toward your dreams is much lower than the slow, everyday punishment you inflict on yourself by suppressing your dream.- Mel RobbinsIt's a tragedy that the prime trigger for human action is only when something goes terribly wrong. There are people around the world who give up smoking only when they get lung cancer; start searching for a job only when they have nothing left in the bank; start being grateful for their health only when it is challenged by a disease that has erupted beyond their control; start spending time with the friends who have always been there for them only after a devastating break up.Of course, this behavior is the opposite of heroic. It's lousy. It unveils years of self-neglect in one big ugly back-to-back sitting. It shows that we only care about ourselves when there's a problem – and we're all guilty of it.So, what's the solution? What will spring us from this pit of self-neglect onto a plane of self-love? Well, I'll tell you: the solution is for us to we start living like we already possess the change we want. And that we start now.Put the guilt away -- today is a new dayThere is great power in this method. Nobody demonstrates that power more than Jim Carrey, who as a young struggling actor wrote himself a check for 10 million dollars dated "Thanksgiving 1995," for "acting services rendered." He worked as hard as he possibly could toward that intention, and by Thanksgiving 1995 had received 10 million dollars for the hit comedy, Dumb and Dumber.One way he achieved his goal – along with much more than he anticipated – was by having a relentless faith that what he desired was out there waiting for him, so long as he did the graft to bring it toward him. The place most of us get stuck is one of thinking without acting. We imagine the ideal future for ourselves, then just expect it to turn up at our doorsteps like a generous party guest, bearing casual gifts of infinite wealth and health. The end result to such an assumption can only be doom and disappointment.Visualization is not enoughVisualization only works when you are in alignment with the energy of what you want to attract. If you are slobbing about on the couch every day and night feeding junk to your body, do not expect your dream job/spouse/health state to come flooding into your life. You are not in alignment with your dream; you are in alignment with more debt, more rejection, and more disease.The power lies not in what you do, but in the intention behind what you do. Had Jim Carrey just "worked hard" in general, maybe at a job he didn't like, or maybe worked on something unrelated to good acting like trying to please people, he would never have achieved all that he did. Success like his back in 1995 comes from having that specific through-line: the services rendered. What services will you render? For, after all, receiving is just as much about giving. Hoarders are likely to never get much more – and if they do, they'll only be miserable because they'll never bring themselves to spend it on a deserving cause.Serve the world and the world will serve youKnowing what you can do for the world in return for abundance will help you live like you already have it. If your dream is to become a heart surgeon, the intention behind it should never be so you can afford beautiful holidays and flashy cars – those may be lovely by-products, but isn't the pride that comes with saving hundreds of lives the more fulfilling intention behind such a dream? Isn't that what will ultimately help you rest your head at night in peace?To offer a personal example, a year ago, inspired by Carrey's story, in the midst of all of the volatile confusion, heartache, ecstasy and joy that comes with drama school auditions, I wrote out a template letter addressed to myself and dated it 31st May 2016, via which I had hypothetically been accepted onto a degree course in Acting.The interesting part is that the date was completely random. I read the letter over and over for some time like Carrey suggested until I eventually forgot about it. I spent the year working extremely hard toward that goal, and – I still thank my lucky stars for this today -- in the end, I got a place. Over the past year I have grown more as an actor and a human being than I ever thought posssible. But that isn't the miracle... The miracle was that I was accepted on the 31st May.Make your own miracleI only realized this a few months ago while reflecting on an old journal where the letter was crumpled inside. I glanced over the letter with a warm feeling of compassion for myself, because the institution I selected for my template was a school I received a call-back from but was ultimately rejected by. I laughed at how hard I tried.Though it wasn't until I saw the date in the corner that I rushed for my actual acceptance letter -- and my eyes started to well up with tears. The dates on both letters matched! And I know in my gut it wasn't just a coincidence.I had a goal, intended with all my might to achieve that goal, imagined myself having that goal, let go of it, and then all obstacles moved out of the way to bring about that goal.As my beloved Oprah would word it, what I know for sure is this: when you are relentlessly in tune with a vision for yourself so much so that it motivates you to go about your life acting in a way that suggests you have already received that vision, eventually, you are going to achieve that vision.It is law.

Surrender: Let Go and Allow the Flow
Self-Development

Surrender: Let Go and Allow the Flow

Ever wanted something so bad – a relationship, a job, a winning lottery ticket – that just didn't come through? Have you ever planned years to achieve something that simply went to someone else, leaving you lost and wondering why? If so, we have some work to do. We have some letting go to do. We have some surrendering to do. Surrender: Let Go and Allow the Flow Every single time we make a plan and we think it's going to go the way we want it to, we're spending all of that time planning for something that hasn't even happened yet. So, when life comes at you with your worst, you have a choice: to stand there, accept it and move forward, or put it off and say, 'Maybe later.' But my suggestion, and the only thing I've ever known, is that now is everything – so enjoy it. - Selena Gomez I love Oprah's story about how she got the role as Sophia in the movie version of The Color Purple. It happened after a period of crippling discouragement where she was led to audition for the film, only to be told she wasn't a "real actress" -- and asked how dare she have the temerity to turn up to audition alongside all the other real actresses in the first place. She felt betrayed; like she had been guided toward failure by God. She even went as far as believing that perhaps the reason she didn't get the part was because of her weight. So she went to a fat farm, and after running round the track for multiple laps, she stopped, cried, and started to sing the Christian hymn, "I Surrender All." What she understood was that the only way to get over and move forward from her disappointment was to surrender it. To give it up. She had to imagine herself being content with seeing another actress in the role she craved, to be able to say, "Actually, it was a good thing she got it and not me." And that was when the miracle happened. Shortly after this brief but beautiful moment of surrender, she received a phone call from Steven Spielberg offering her the part. The key? She let go and allowed the flow to do its work. Life follows no plan We probably each have a million things like this we could let go of. Job promotions, audition callbacks, decisions from publishers. If only we could recognize that clinging is a form of resistance. Clinging is putting out the message that we are not worthy, and that if things do not happen exactly as we've planned them, we're doomed. And what happens when we cling, when we resist? Our disappointments persist. To surrender isn't to stop trying; it's to recognize that when we have tried our best, we're allowed to be content and at ease with ourselves regardless of the outcome. It is a deep acceptance that if this one thing doesn't work out, there is something greater for us in store. Just watching this video of Lisa Kudrow's speech about the obstacles and setbacks she faced before ending up on the hit TV show Friends will confirm that for you. What would happen if you could let go of your picture-perfect plans now, if you could give yourself permission to be enough now, if you could trust the flow of your life now? I guarantee your surroundings would change. Because as Eckhart Tolle said, "If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place." Have a dream, and let it go Surrendering is about having an intention, working as hard as possible toward that intention, and then, in the words of Jim Carrey, "Letting go of how it comes to pass." Getting bogged down in the specifics can block you... And it's also much less fun! What would there be to live for if everything always went according to plan? If we knew exactly how our lives would pan out moment by moment? It might be awesome for a minute (I admit!), but after that minute expires, it would be like exhausting all of the cheat codes on your favorite video game in one sitting: you'd be left with an empty feeling like you've done it all, and you'd want to play something else. It's no way to perceive your entire life. Once again in the words of Oprah Winfrey: "Have the dream and then surrender it to that which is greater than yourself." Have the dream, love the dream, nurture the dream, water the dream, work fiercely and diligently toward the dream – but then when all that work is said and done, have the courage to let it go.

You've Got "It": It's Authenticity, and It's Your Superpower
Self-Development

You've Got "It": It's Authenticity, and It's Your Superpower

"She hasn't got it," the audition panel member says. "The other girl, however, has -- and unfortunately it can't be taught. You either have it or you don't."Honestly, how many times have you heard about this mysterious, God-given, unreachable "it"?The it that has the potential to determine your life opportunities in seconds, yet that at the same time, no one can define.I'll tell you what "it" is. It's the unashamed, full you. It's who you are without tension and fear. It's authenticity. And it is your superpower.You've Got "It": It's Authenticity, and It's Your SuperpowerToday, you are You. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. - Dr. SeussWhoever tells you only some are born with it -- perhaps the audition panel member, or the slam poetry contest judge, or the doubtful singing teacher -- most likely does so out of pure ego, because someone, once upon a time, told them they had "it," and it made them feel special and superior.You may be sceptical about this. "Why is it, then," you may ask, "that some people just seem to exude a natural charisma, while others cower away from the spotlight?"One of two things: either the charismatic ones were born into privilege, or their charisma was hard-won. Perhaps both.Playing the cards we're dealtSo many privilege-born people are famous worldwide not solely because they had the money to get where they wanted to go, but because their level of "it" has consistently soared through the roof.Why?Well, one reason is because as children they were showered with love.Think about this without judgement for a moment. Because this is not to say that unprivileged families do not love their children. But rather, as someone who comes from an extremely unprivileged family, I know it is because unprivileged children's thoughts, aside from all the love and hope our families may offer, are often clouded with the deep-seated financial worry that money and/or success are scarce resources only destined for a small few in society. This fear is rarely present in the mind of a privileged child.While all parents love to tell their children early on in life, "You can do anything!", a lot of working-class families feel obliged to add, "but be realistic." And this act of being realistic really is critical to the possibility of ever having "it".Oprah Winfrey didn't just wake up one day with it. Growing up, she was the opposite of privileged. Mountainous setbacks, failures, doubts and uncertainties had to be overcome before "it" could become synonymous with her way of being in the world. "It," for me, is exemplified by Winfrey's unshakeable stage presence -– and it was not lightly won. The inner you: the "it" in authenticityLet's face the facts: your highest, most authentic self is not a realist. He or she is an optimist beyond belief. You can deny this all you want. But underneath all of that cynical armor is a hopeful child with the most utterly cosmic dreams for yourself.What would happen if you let that child out, into your daily life, into every moment, every opportunity? You would suddenly have it. The "it" in au-then-tic-IT-y. The type of unforgettable presence that lights up a room for a moment and warms people's hearts for years.It comes from copying no one. It comes from doing what only you do best. It comes from being wholly you.Voice coach and author Patsy Rodenburg, in her book Presence, calls this being in "the Second Circle." The state of being alive and present and fully connected to oneself and one's surroundings; offering generously and receiving generously. She believes it is where all of the great athletes, actors, musicians, politicians and entrepreneurs, in their finest moments, live.What is important to remember is that not only can you have it, but you are entitled to it. Authenticity is your birthright. The ability to shine is your birthright. The ability to be seen and heard and talked about with awe is your birthright.So how do we unravel this version of you? How do we eliminate all of those years of useless worry, tension, unease, anxiety and fear?By encouraging you to effortlessly be your authentic self in every situation.Authenticity is your superpowerI wish there were some hidden, cryptic secret, but it truly is as simple as that. When you are authentically you, you are unstoppable. You are unbreakable. Flash back to every time you have laughed so hard your stomach hurt, cried tears of empathy watching a moving piece of cinema, or experienced the kind of joy that makes the world brighter and more colorful for a while. Undoubtedly, you had no time to wear your layers: you were your authentic self.This is the person you are without a second thought, the person you are with your favorite people or practicing your favorite hobby. This is the person you are without mental, physical or emotional clutter getting in the way.It is your job to own this part of you and become it more fully and relentlessly than you ever have before. It is your job to rekindle it and let it blaze brightly in the face of every rejection, every loss and every setback.Don't be disconcerted by others' discomfortBut, remember this: on your journey towards retrieving "it," some people, especially those who've known you longest, won't like the changes they see. It will make them uncomfortable to know that you are shedding the old habits they associate you with because they no longer serve you; a sense of abandonment could lead them to try to curse your path.They'll call you a fraud; they'll magnify your failures; they'll gossip about you and tell everyone how "phony" you've become (when you've actually just become your true self) and perhaps now and then their voices will win and the self-doubt will start.When this happens, return to the words of Erin Elizabeth: "Being unapologetically yourself comes with a price. Always pay it."This small fee will send you further in life than you can imagine in the present moment. Every successful person has had to pay it. And there's a hard truth about why so few people have "it," and it's not that some are born with it and the rest are not: it is that most are raised enclosed in a space of fear while a successful few, albeit for some with aid from their circumstances, are able to break through and beyond by choosing to trust their own power.To close, just as we opened, on a quote by Dr. Seuss: You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where you'll go.

Love Yourself Enough to Be Your Own Parent
Self-Development

Love Yourself Enough to Be Your Own Parent

In author and life coach Debra Smouse's article, "The Art of Compassionate Discipline," she treats compassionate discipline as a necessary practice in order for us to live our best lives. Responding to overly quoted 'self-love' phrases like "Stop doing the things you hate and follow your bliss," she writes: "to be constantly permissive and give into every whim is irresponsible. It's also self-neglect, not self-love. That's giving in to your inner two-year old, and if that were the case, we'd all have chips and chocolate every day for dinner and wear a ballerina tutu to run errands." Her argument is that our best lives necessitate harmony – on the one hand, being kind to ourselves is key, but on the other, we need to do things we don't like doing, which results in further kindness to ourselves. Love Yourself Enough to Be Your Own Parent When you don't have anybody to take care of you, then you could go both ways: You could do whatever you want, or you could take charge and be your own parent. - Jennifer Lawrence Doing your laundry is not fun, but having nice smelling clothes is delightful. Vacuuming your entire house is strenuous, but walking up and down clear stairs every day is heavenly. Washing your dishes and wiping the surfaces down when you are in a rush is a nipping annoyance, but coming home to a dish-free sink and uncluttered sides makes cooking a lovely meal easy. Jennifer Lawrence was right to give us the advice to be our own parents. They're perhaps the only people who will ever be fully honest with us by telling us what we need to hear rather than what we want to hear. They may do it lovingly, they may do it coldly, but either way they're usually doing it because they care. Compassionate discipline is about being that person for yourself. Earning it Ever tricked yourself into eating junk food with the words "I deserve it"? Or "treat yourself"? Even when you know full well you haven't done anything to deserve treats? No good parent would shower their naughty child with sweets – unless of course they just wanted to shut them up, which makes a bad parent as well as a bad child. When your inner child is being bad, you need an unshakable inner parent to make you good again. You need to be there for yourself when no one else is. You need to be your own anchor and rock. Otherwise you get nothing worthwhile done. This is not to say "Never treat yourself", but rather treat yourself when the time is right. A well-earned day of relaxation and your favorite take-out is a luxury. Don't cheapen that luxury by making it commonplace. Your parents were right Being your own parent, then, is about getting up when you don't want to, to do the things that will benefit you in the long run but in the moment might suck. Ask any successful person and they will tell you: success doesn't happen overnight; it happens after a series of bitesize steps taken in a disciplined fashion that most people refuse to adopt. While the rest are convincing themselves how much they deserve five nights in a row of pizza and Netflix, the disciplined ones are working and eating well, with a little luxury slotted in-between. One of my luxuries, for example, is coffee. I don't drink too much, two a day max, but that is something I will not change. For me, it is a ritual, each sip a centering act. I call it gratitude in a cup, because I am never as grateful, nor my senses as sharp and wide open to the world around me, as when I've had a cup of coffee. For others it's tea, wine, or maybe a can of Coke. Whatever it is, we all have our vices – what's important is to have fewer vices so that the ones we do have count; so they spark pleasure. Balance: the road less travelled When we constantly give our bodies junk food doused with fizzy drinks and alcohol, there is no opportunity for balance. Flowers need both sun and rain in order to bloom. Too much sun and they'll dry out, too much rain and they'll drown. Too much carefully monitored eating and you'll lose your joy, too much intake of rubbish and you'll lose your health. Compassionate discipline is all about harmony. This harmony is workable in every area of your life (educationally, socially, domestically), too. But it's a road less travelled. Where compassion commands inner kindness, discipline demands inner strength. Most would rather choose one or the other for an easy life; though both are vital for your best life.

Feels Like Things Are Falling Apart? They Might Be Falling Into Place
Mindset

Feels Like Things Are Falling Apart? They Might Be Falling Into Place

Psychologist, author, and life coach Ralph Smart has said that at the moments in your life when it feels as though everything is falling apart, things might actually be falling into place. I am here to expand on Ralph's view with a personal story of my own. Feels Like Things Are Falling Apart? They Might Be Falling Into Place Every great work, every great accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement, comes apparent failure and discouragement. - Florence Scovel Shinn At the beginning of last month I reached rock bottom financially. I couldn't afford the rent for my house, let alone transport or sufficient food, since the dregs of my overdraft had been drained by the deposit for the house; I wrote articles every night, partly because my own positive advice was the only thing keeping me sane, but also because it would help pay rent; and I had to do something I hoped I'd never have to do again: ask family members for whatever money they could lend me in the meantime just to keep my feet on the ground. I'm sure many of you can relate to the risk of having to put your security in the hands of your loved ones. How life taught me to count my blessings Beyond this, my childhood also lacked. I grew up in a starved-of-space, three-bedroomed house with four other siblings raised by a single mother who had no support. Sacrifices were made, part-time jobs taken on when I turned 16, and pocket money non-existent. Would I go back and change any of this given the chance? No. Because I am, as Susan Jeffers put it, one of the "lucky ones in life." I am someone who has had to overcome hardships again and again, and thus been able to "emerge a much stronger person" as a result. It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be. - J.K Rowling (more quotes) My childhood taught me empathy. It taught me that people have it bad in life, even worse than me, and yet still find the strength to overcome. Like my mother did. She spent the majority of her childhood alone and worried and fending for herself, being carted back and forth between children's homes and foster families. She in particular taught me the bravery it takes to rise and stand in the moments that make your knees shake. And the past month taught me that life has a way of falling into place even when you initially thought it was falling apart. Things fall apart... the better to fall back into place Things fell into place this month when I paid my rent and still had money to buy food. For some, this may seem like a tiny win, or perhaps not even a "win" at all. But for me, it was one of my greatest triumphs. Because, in the process, I had to ask for the tricky things. I had to ask for loans. Extra hours at work. I put my security in the hands of others. I had to be vulnerable. I had to persevere. And, as Smart predicted, everything has fallen into place. The tiny seed knew that in order to grow it needed to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness and struggle to reach the light. - Sandra King All obstacles moved out of the way so that I could afford my rent. I am one with Paulo Coelho's concept that when you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. Everybody's doubts dissolved when I held my head up high and said, "paid." And, unusually, I came out the other end of this setback not more cynical, but rather even more grateful than I was before. A first for me. What adversity awakens Having to savor every penny made me thankful even for the smallest of things... The fact I have breath in my lungs; that I get to wake up in a bed; that I get to have a job; that I get to express myself through the written word. Or that I get to live in the city I've dreamt about since I was 14, working towards the one thing I want from life more than anything: to become a professional actor. This is not me claiming that things won't fall apart again. To the contrary. I know that they could fall apart on an even grander scale next time, for when you are putting yourself in more risky situations every day, naturally, the magnitude of failure will increase. Still, that's okay with me -- because as Susan Jeffers phrased it in Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it!" It is important to remember that there can be no joy without despair, no prosperity without poverty. If you feel like you are being tested, keep going. If your inner compass is moving you towards something, you'll know that quitting on your path is an option you will only later regret. Your family, friends, teachers, loved ones, will all doubt you whenever you reach a pitfall. Be sure of it. They love you, and so they will send along their doubts (shrouded as heartfelt kiss-on-the-cheek concerns) without apology – and when that happens, I advise to you to change the channel. Just. Stop. Listening. Unless of course you come from a family of Nobel Prize-winning experts in your desired field. But even THEN, only you know what is best for you. So when things fall apart, let them fall. I have learnt to trust that it'll be eventually clear they were just falling into place.

5 Reasons to Always Ask for the Tricky Things
Skills

5 Reasons to Always Ask for the Tricky Things

I don't doubt that you've had to ask for tricky things in your life. The sort of requests that you fret over in bed the night before making, the ones with risk attached. Laced with hope. The ones that will advance your life in the long run but immediately may not show results. The ones that may lead the other person to sense caution. A loan; a raise; a donation, anything that requires someone to help you out -- except for the fact that they haven't offered to. But you MUST ask for those things, even if the answer could be no. Where you previously felt fear, you must now feel power. And power alone. You did not come onto this planet to play small. If it's scary, good. All the best things in life are scary at first. They're scary to want; even scarier to pursue. Here are five reasons why you must always ask for the tricky things. 5 Reasons to Always Ask for the Tricky Things There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask 'What if I fall?' Oh, but my darling What if you fly? - Erin Hanson 1. If you don't, you will implode with regret If you don't ask, be sure that someone else will – and it will hurt. It will hurt watching another person live out your dream so much more than one meagre rejection might have. Imagine a person on the edge of their seat shaking, begging to ask a question; the only weight holding their arm down being fear. Never be that person. Because there will always be someone more confident in the room ready to ask if you do not. Just ask the question, then move forward with your life regardless. 2. It will give your life motion Norah Casey, quoting Elbert Hubbard in a TEDx talk, said "The cure for grief is motion." My argument is that the cure for anything is motion. The cure for stagnation is motion, the cure for not achieving our goals is motion, the cure for sitting on the couch all day feeling sorry for ourselves is motion. The cure is waking up, getting out of bed, and doing something about it. And, in this circumstance, the cure for wanting to ask for something that scares you — you guessed it — is motion! The motion is asking for that loan anyway; asking for that pay rise anyway; asking if there are any job vacancies at your local restaurant anyway! The formula for motion, inspired by the same-titled book by Susan Jeffers, is to Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. 3. The answer might be yes We spend so much time quivering with terror over the worst imaginable outcomes when in fact the response to that tricky request could be YES! Think back to just how long you spent as a child fretting over whether to ask your parents/guardians for pocket money when their answer could only ever be yes or no. If they said no, the world didn't end – and if they said yes, you got to have a ball at the bowling alley or cinema with your best friends! Either way, you most likely weren't disowned there and then just because you asked for money. The tricky things we have to ask for as adults come with just as simple yes or no responses – we just need to get mindful enough to realize it. As Seneca phrased it, "We suffer more in imagination than in reality." 4. You can promise reward – it's not about never paying it back You are likely wanting to ask for something tricky – perhaps a donation or loan – because you want to advance your life, and not because you want to blow it all at the casino or on clothes with no intention of ever paying it back. So here is your opportunity to start thinking positively. Visualize yourself paying back whatever you have borrowed or been donated in abundance, either directly to the person or to an equally worthy cause. Imagine yourself – whether next month or in ten years' time – giving back. Consider the tricky thing you are asking for not as a one-off payment to get you out of a rut, but instead as rocket fuel to send you up, up and away to the most prosperous future for yourself. This will free you up to feel less guilt about making a tricky request, because you'll have faith in yourself to someday pay back whatever you owe with generosity. 5. You will live a braver life Bravery comes from being willing to put yourself in more uncomfortable (but rewarding) situations than the average person daily. It comes from having faced the truly, most likely, worst possible outcome – rejection – and still being able to move forward; to maintain motion. Nobody else has to think of you as brave. It is an inner-knowing. A knowing that you do not let fear prevent you from advancing in your life; that you will always ask for the tricky things despite the risk of rejection, and that you will always do the scary thing first despite the risk of failure. Because, in the words of Neil Donald Walsch, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."