Ikigai: The Japanese Philosophy for Purposeful Living
People often say that finding purpose is the foundation of a healthy and more fulfilling life. Yet for millions of people, purpose feels elusive, like some far-off destination, an epiphany waiting for divine intervention.Narratives around living the life of your dreams can package purpose in a very set way, telling stories of a select few who were lucky enough to find their purpose, and never looked back.All of these assumptions about purpose make it both intimidating and seemingly unattainable. Factor in cultural ideas of what purpose looks like — from starting a billion-dollar venture in Silicon Valley to living a life in service of the greater good — and you’ll likely be left feeling frustrated, or confused, about how to add purpose to your life.Fortunately, these assumptions are misleading. Purpose is much easier to attain than it seems on the surface. And, thankfully, the Japanese concept of ikigai makes discovering your purpose practical. There’s no need to wait for a eureka moment, or yearn for the day purpose will arrive on your doorstep. With ikigai as your own personal Japanese secret, you can start taking deliberate steps to add purpose to your days and inhabit a more happy life. This article will show you how you can start your own personal ikigai journey. Let’s get started!What is the Japanese concept of Ikigai?The best translation for ikigai (pronounced “ee key guy”) is “a reason for being.” The term is formed from the Japanese words iki (life) and gai (worth or benefit).Ikigai is central to Japanese culture, with its origin stretching all the way back to the Heian period, a period of classical Japanese history lasting between the years 794 and 1185.American researcher Dan Buettner, who presented the popular Ted Talk How to Live to 100, identified ikigai as one of the main factors for greater longevity in Japan. Buettner popularized the concept in the West in the early 2000s.Long before then, Japanese psychiatrist Mieko Kamiya, the Mother of Ikigai, wrote one of the most popular modern-day books on the philosophy, Ikigai-ni-Tsuite (What Makes Our Life Worth Living), in 1966. This was around the time early positive psychology was born. Psychologists such as Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and Viktor Frankl shifted the paradigm of psychology away from pathology, and towards what makes for a fulfilling, meaningful life.(Getty)Moving towards a more meaningful lifeKamiya herself compared ikigai to Frankl’s approach to meaning. Both were well-versed in how suffering could lead to personal growth. Frankl from his time spent in concentration camps during the Holocaust, and Kamiya worked with leprosy patients. Kamiya described ikigai as:“Ikigai means ‘power necessary for one to live in this world, happiness to be alive, benefit, effectiveness.’ When we try to translate it into English, German, French etc, it seems that there is no other way to define it other than ‘worth living’ or ‘value or meaning to live’. Thus, compared to philosophical theoretical concepts, the word ikigai shows us how ambiguous the Japanese language is, but because of this it has an effect of reverberation and amplitude.”She acknowledged that “the fact that this word exists should indicate that the goal to live, its meaning and value within the daily life of the Japanese soul has been problematized.” In other words, the word exists because modern-living, to some degree, has disconnected people from their innate sense of purpose, or their soul’s calling.Kamiya further defines ikigai into two categories — the source of ikigai, and the state of mind someone feels when connected to the source (ikigai-kan). For Kamiya, ikigai-kan is linked to Frankl’s concept of meaning. In life, a person’s mission is to connect to their mission. Failure to do so can result in depression or anxiety.In order to become clear on this mission, Kamiya suggested two questions:What is my existence for?What is the purpose of my existence?Gaining ClarityOnce clarity is gained, ikigai becomes the North Star that you are guided to. The journey itself is what’s important, not the final destination. Those who are moving towards that North Star experience a sense of fulfillment, ikigai-kan.Kamiya was careful to note those pursuing their purpose weren’t always distinguished people — someone can be in service to ikigai when raising children, teaching at schools, or working in medicine. What’s most important is that a person is able to connect to their purpose, and honor it, in whichever way is unique to them.For Kamiya, the process of clarifying and honoring their soul’s calling is the discovery of a new theme of existence. For many people, this process could unfold during a spiritual awakening, where their motivations radically transform. For others, it could be a slight, but noticeable change of direction.Ikigai and Maslow’s hierarchy of needsIn addition to parallels between Frankl’s work on the value of meaning, Kamiya also discovered that to experience ikigai-kan, someone must first have several personal needs met. The result is a similar model of thinking to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which outlines the journey of growth and self-actualization.The needs Kamiya identified are:The need for life satisfactionThe need for change and growthThe need for a bright futureThe need for resonanceThe need for freedomThe need for self-actualizationThe need for meaning and valueThese closely resemble Maslow’s pyramid of physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging, esteem, self-actualization, and self-transcendence (the often forgotten additional layer). It’s worth keeping in mind, though, that Maslow noted for some, lower levels can be transcended by higher values, such as creativity being more important than safety needs or esteem.The same can be said of ikigai — if your mission or purpose is something greater than you, it’s likely that it can overshadow other personal needs and contribute to well being.Why is Ikigai important for a fulfilling life?As Buettner discovered, meaning is one of the most influential factors in living a long and healthy life, both for younger generations and those that are older. Buettner has researched so-called Blue Zones, the locations where people lived for longer and enjoyed greater wellbeing.Five locations Buettner discovered were Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica; Ikaria, Greece, and Loma Linda, California. He noticed that these five locations placed a lot of emphasis on meaning and purpose.This has been backed up by multiple studies. A 2014 UCL-led study of 9,000 people with an average age of 65 found that those with a greater sense of meaning and purpose were 30 percent less likely to die in the following eight-year period. More recently in 2019, a study of 7,000 people over the age of 50 found “life purpose was significantly associated with all-cause mortality.” So much so, the lowest scorers of the study were twice as likely to have died than those with the highest scores five years later.The power of ikigaiNoriyuki Nakashi, from Osaka University, explains the power of ikigai as:“Ikigai is personal: it reflects the inner self of an individual and expresses that faithfully.Ikigai, which is the highest level of desire, may be considered to be essentially the process of cultivating one’s inner potential and that which makes one's life significant, a universal human experience we all wish to achieve.”Purpose gives you a deeper reason for living, it makes your life significant. As noted by thinkers such as Kamiya and Frankl, there is an interesting component to this — it appears, deep down, each of us has a purpose that we intuitively know and understand. Our mission is to listen to that calling and do all we can to honor it, in order to cultivate our inner potential.Longevity is a byproduct of doing something right. Purpose gives you the energy and inspiration to pursue your goals, overcome struggle, and keep going when times are tough. It provides strong foundations of fulfillment and can give your life a new direction, not towards fleeting happiness, but towards things of high value. In the words of Oscar Wilde: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”Understanding the Ikigai chart and your own ikigai journeyAre you ready for your mind to be blown by ikigai, the Japanese secret that so many swear by? For your understanding of ikigai to take a drastic u-turn into a new theme of existence? The ikigai venn diagram, shared by millions and rising to meme-like popularity on social media, isn’t linked to ikigai. Instead, it was an idea from Marc Winn, an entrepreneur and blogger who merged the idea of ikigai with a venn diagram of purpose.Winn was introduced to the concept of ikigai and the ikigai diagram from Buettner’s Ted Talk. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” he wrote in 2017, “less than an hour of my time has made more of a difference in the world than all my time put together.”Winn acknowledges his own surprise that his idea, and the diagram, spiraled out of control. The diagram is shown below:While the venn diagram is incredibly useful, there’s one major downside — the true meaning of ikigai isn’t about making money. The diagram might be valuable in understanding how you can launch a career of meaning, but in many ways, it’s the result of ikigai running through the money-oriented worldview of the West.In fact, a 2010 study of 2,000 people in Japan found that only a third saw work as their ikigai. In addition, the Japanese translation of life means both your lifespan, and everyday life. This leads to another possible misinterpretation — ikigai can be discovered in the simple, day-to-day joys of living, not a grandiose plan or life mission worthy of Hollywood fame. It’s a spectrum of joy, from the seemingly mundane to the miraculous, and everything between.The five pillars of ikigaiSo if the ikigai isn’t discovered through a venn diagram, how do you apply the concept to your life? In The Little Book of Ikigai, Japanese neuroscientist and author Ken Mogi offers a five-pillar framework. By following this framework, you’re able to cultivate the type of lifestyle that allows for the emergence of ikigai:Pillar One: Start SmallDiscovering a new theme of existence begins with small steps. That could be as simple as making the inner commitment to start creating a life of enhanced purpose.What changes could you make, today, to start that process? Is there a passion, or calling, that you sense on the periphery of your awareness? What could you do in order to start honoring that? Remember, purpose doesn’t have to be elaborate or grand.Applying Kamiya’s work, you could journal and answer the two questions: what is my existence for? What is the purpose of my existence? Don’t think about it too much, just see what surfaces.Additionally, consider what things in life are the source of ikigai, or when are the moments when you feel ikigai-kan. For me, writing is the source of both. Although now established as a writer, in the beginning, it started with a commitment to write a little every day.Pillar Two: Releasing YourselfThis pillar demonstrates how deep the philosophy of ikigai is, and its entanglement with other Eastern philosophies that have stood the test of time, such as Buddhism. (Getty)Releasing yourself means to let go of all the things in life you hold onto, that cause some form of suffering.It’s similar to the Buddhist practices of non-attachment. Are you attached to your self-image, what other people think of you, or always thinking about a time you’ll finally be happy?Releasing yourself requires accepting where you’re at, who you are, and the moment in front of you. It leads to a state of peaceful surrender, going with the flow, rather than grappling with life.Ikigai is, after all, a practice of aligning with nature. “The greatest secret of the ikigai, ultimately, has to be the acceptance of oneself, no matter what kind of unique features one might happen to be born with,” Mogi writes.Pillar Three: Harmony and SustainabilityThis step is connected to your environment. Ikigai incorporates the people in our lives, our immediate community, the quality and sustainability of all living things we interact with.As Mogi says, “A man is like a forest; individual and yet connected and dependent on others for growth.” Harmony and sustainability are both inner and outer experiences, reflected in your emotions, your thoughts, the way you interact with the world, the way you go about your work.(Getty)Consider any area of life where there is disharmony. Perhaps you have a few relationships that cause friction, or you are pushing yourself to extremes, unable to sustain that approach to hustle culture for the long term. In what ways can you invite a more peaceful approach? How can you be the source of harmony, for yourself, and for the wider world around you?That doesn’t have to mean being half-hearted in what you do, quite the opposite, as ikigai encourages commitment and passion in equal measure. But make sure not to fall into traps of seriousness, and keep an explorative, playful attitude to yourself, your relationships, your community, and your work.Pillar Four: The Joy of Little ThingsIkigai is a comprehensive philosophy, as well as being an antidote to a lot of modern approaches to finding happiness through constant striving, or the craving for success or recognition.Deeply embedded in the Japanese concept is finding joy in little things. Your morning coffee. A smile from a stranger. An unexpected spell of sunshine. A message from a friend you’ve not spoken to in a while. A delicious sip of energizing green tea. All of these are opportunities to enjoy small sparks of joy, sparks that pave the way for a life in honor of ikigai.(Getty)As Kamiya notes, those dedicated to ikigai spend all their days in fulfillment. Yes, there might be a challenging process of realizing your calling, and adjusting your life to make sure you have supreme focus on fulfilling your potential. But ikigai isn’t about the end destination, it’s about smelling the flowers on the way.The easiest way to do this is to look for gratitude in your life. What things bring you a sense of comfort? What in your life would you have never predicted or thought you’d be able to achieve? What have you overcome? Who adds laughter or who supports you? All of these reflections of gratitude support the feeling of ikigai-kan.Pillar Five: Being in the Here and NowTo reaffirm the intention of ikigai, and its link to mindfulness, the final pillar reminds us to be present. To pause. To become fully aware of what’s directly in front of us. To take things one step at a time, and notice when our minds get caught in the past, or jump ahead to the future. The more present you become, the richer life is, the more nourishing each moment, and the less fearful you become about uncertain futures.The irony of trying to find happiness is that it keeps us always looking ahead, waiting for a moment to come. But as many Eastern philosophies have taught, that is an illusion. Only the present ever exists. And the more you’re able to truly arrive in the present moment, the more likely you will be to experience deeper fulfillment.Ikigai is a philosophy that reminds us that, with a brief pause, a moment of gratitude for the small things, acceptance for who we are and where we’re at. Then you might end up finding purpose where you never expected it — right in front of you.Right here, right now. If you have any unanswered questions click here, and good luck on your journey!
4 Signs You've Found a Kindred Spirit, Not a Soulmate
Spirituality exists beyond words — to a dimension where language can only hint at deeper truths. Any words used to attempt to describe or explain it will always be poor translations because words often fall short when describing spiritual experiences. It's like trying to capture the ocean's vastness in a photograph. It might show its surface but there's no replacement for the direct experience of reality.RELATED: The Psychology and Spirituality Causes Of An Identity CrisisOn Defining Spiritual ConnectionsThroughout history, people have tried to capture extraordinary experiences and spiritual connections through language. Terms like soulmates, twin flames, and kindred spirits attempt to describe these non-ordinary bonds. Yet these labels are merely signposts that point to something mysterious and won't fully capture it.When defining relationships, what’s most important is your primary experience — what your intuition and instinct tell you. So trust your gut as we explore the concept of kindred spirits, and how they differ from other types of relationships.What Is a Kindred Spirit?According to Cambridge Dictionary a kindred spirit is “a person who has the same opinions, feelings, and interests as you.” Its origin is unclear, but the structure of the word makes sense — kin means family. So it’s a safe bet to assume the word originated to describe a family not connected by blood but connected in spirit. Whether this was an attempt to literally attempt to define spiritual connections or a phrase used as more of a metaphor, is unclear.Typically, a kindred spirit is someone you have some type of instant connection with, and life will usually have a way of introducing you to the context of your similarities and shared quirks. Upon mapping this spiritual terrain, some people have categorized kindred spirits in contrast to other types of fated connections, including soulmates and twin flames.Kindred Spirits, Soulmates, and Twin FlamesKeeping the use of language in mind, all of these definitions aren’t clear facts, but interpretations. To their credit, these definitions have lasted the test of time, as enough people have found them relatable to their experience. As we go through the different definitions, consider how this relates to relationships you’ve experienced. You’ll likely get an intuitive sense of what these labels are pointing to.Unlike kindred spirits, whose relationships are usually friction-free and based in similarities, soulmates are relationships that are centered around spiritual growth. They are typically karmic relationships that are “designed” to teach. Their dynamics are usually catalytic, and although some soulmate connections can be fairly conflict free, many will have moments of conflict.RELATED: How To Apply The Seven Spiritual Laws of SuccessThe metaphysical idea behind this is that the soul, before incarnating, makes certain karmic agreements in terms of what lessons must be learned throughout an individual lifetime. This worldview incorporates the spiritual dimension as an invisible guiding force that allows for these opportunities to arise. A person can have many soulmates (sometimes called a soul tribe), and they can come in the form of many dynamics, including family, friends, colleagues, or mentors.Twin flames are soulmates on steroids. Each person has only one twin flame, said to be one soul separated into two. Also with deep karmic lessons to process and heal, many soulmates' relationships are high intensity, with a level of illumination that means it’s not easy to escape limitations or unhealed wounds in the presence of their other half. Words of warning, though, that sometimes twin flame relationships can be confused for trauma bonds.The Role Kindred Spirits PlaySo what’s the purpose of a kindred spirit? Bring to mind a relationship you feel could meet this definition. What does it mean to you? What does it offer? Kindred spirits are opportunities for connection. It’s easier to form a relationship with someone you hit it off with immediately. It gives you a whole host of topics to discuss, or hobbies to enjoy together. That can lead to trust being built over a short period. But another element of kindred spirits is often overlooked.Because kindred spirits are like-minded, these dynamics are opportunities to develop deeper levels of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Why? It’s often much easier to see the finer qualities in other people and fail to see them in ourselves. We might feel unlovable or different from others, with a subtle but limiting sense of separation. Meet someone who has the same interests, and in seeing them for who they are, you end up seeing yourself.That person and the mutual deep understanding of the relationship allows you to be more authentically you. They can empower you to move deeper into the things that give you a sense of inspiration and excitement, which comes with its own sense of adventure and aliveness. It can offer an outlet where you can share openly and freely, without risk of judgment. All of which is a huge boost to self-esteem. Signs You’ve Found Your Kindred SpiritBy now, you’ll likely have a clear idea of what these types of relationships are, and what they have to offer. But how can you tell if someone is your kindred spirit? Below are the common signs that will give you a good indication.1. The Instant Connection Is Like A SmileWhat do I mean, the connection is like a smile? With a kindred spirit, the connection has a quality of playfulness and lightness to it. In Buddhism, there’s a practice known as the inner smile. It involves visualizing a smile in your heart as you go about the world, to cultivate compassion and kindness. The instant connection with a kindred spirit feels similar. You may be compelled to literally smile as you suddenly realize: that this is my type of person.In contrast, while a soulmate meeting can be light, it covers a whole host of contexts, some of them more emotionally challenging; hence the warning of trauma bonding. 2. You Meet In Circumstances That Quickly Show Your SimilaritiesThere’s no slow burn with kindred spirits. No gradual reveal. It’s apparent, often immediately, that there is a shared connection, and life has its way of showing you this. For example, it could be that you’re in a situation where you feel slightly left out, or disconnected. Maybe you feel anxious in a new social situation, or you’re at a workshop and struggling with one of the exercises. Then along comes someone who, at a glance, understands what you’re going through, because they are too.Again, to contrast this, because soulmates are karmically intertwined, it’s common to initially feel repelled or triggered by their appearance. Usually, this is because what their energy, behavior, or viewpoint is showing you is a part of yourself you’ve rejected or denied, that has to be re-integrated through the soulmate relationship.3. Harmony Will Depend on Self-Awareness and Self-AcceptanceTo a much lesser extent than twin flames, kindred spirits are still intertwined with the spiritual dimension, which in its essence is designed for individual flourishing and growth. That does mean that it will require an element of self-awareness and self-acceptance to find harmony, even if the relationship is lighthearted. This is hidden in the concept of two people being too similar.Because kindred spirits are very similar, if they represent certain traits that “clash” with your own, it’ll cause a lack of harmony. For example, if you can both be stubborn, there’s a chance that stubbornness, at some point, will create a barrier to the relationship's flourishing. If you both use humor to lighten moments, even when inappropriate, you may experience your kindred spirit making a joke when you don’t feel like it. See the pattern?When exploring what behaviors you like or dislike with your kindred spirit, you’ll reveal what qualities you wish to cultivate or avoid within yourself. Keep in mind that no person is perfect, and no relationship is free from the usual challenges. Even a kindred spirit will occasionally annoy you or make mistakes.4. They Become a Sounding BoardNo matter how the relationship dynamic plays out, though, a kindred spirit will always be someone you can deeply trust. That means that they will likely become someone you can use as a sounding board, someone to share life’s struggles with or get a gut check when in a difficult situation. That doesn’t apply to all situations, but if you tune into your intuition, you’ll get a sense of the times when your kindred spirit will be the ideal person to talk to.It’s important to have diversity within social connections. Using people with different backgrounds and perspectives as a sounding board is always worthwhile, as long as you remain discerning. But the benefit of a kindred spirit is that they will have a deep understanding of your tendencies, and will be able to relate fully to your experience.As a result, they’ll become powerful allies on the path. Not only the spiritual path. But the path of learning to be fully human.KEEP READING Twin Flame Meaning: The Signs You’ve Found Your Spiritual Mirror
Anxious Attachment Style: How to Heal Insecurities For Greater Emotional Intimacy
Love isn’t easy, despite cultural messages about meeting “the one” and living happily ever after. It takes work, not only in communication and mutual understanding but to confront your deepest wounds. The more you open yourself to vulnerability and intimacy, the more you will face the anxieties and fears that have accumulated over the years. The more you become attached, the more courage you’ll need.RELATED: Avoidant Attachment Style: How to Identify and Overcome A Fear of IntimacyThe mechanism of love, and how it resurfaces old wounds, is best captured by John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which was introduced in the 1950s, but has now become widely recognized. Bowlby theorized that our early interpersonal relationship with our caregivers, the attachments made as an infant where we relied on others to keep us alive, ends up shaping our adult relationships.Within attachment theory, there are four main styles: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, and secure attachment. This article will zoom in on anxious attachment, which, as the name implies, is identified by significant amounts of anxiety when forming relationships. With 20 percent of the population thought to have an anxious attachment style, there’s a chance this relates to you.What Is Anxious Attachment?The terms given to each attachment style give some indication of what they describe. People with secure styles typically develop healthy relationships. People with an avoidant attachment style often create emotional distance through fear of being rejected or not having their needs met. This isn’t always clear with the avoidant attachment style, however, and these people tend to appear aloof or unaffected.People with anxious attachment are afraid of losing the love they have, or fear their love won’t be reciprocated. That can manifest as clinginess or neediness — they hold onto the person they love (think of the image of a child hugging a parent’s leg as they go to leave the house). Bowlby noted a distinction with the anxious attachment style; anxiety in these people often manifests as anger or jealousy. In A Secure Base, he writes:“We take it for granted that, when a relationship to a special loved person is endangered, we are not only anxious but are usually angry as well. As responses to the risk of loss, anxiety and anger go hand in hand. It is not for nothing that they have the same etymological root.”John BowlbyThese aren’t hard and fast rules. Some people oscillate between different manifestations or insecurities, depending on the relationship, and the situation. However, similar to personality types, these describe a person’s tendencies based on early childhood experiences. In this sense, Bowlby offered a different approach to child development in contrast to Sigmund Freud.What Triggers Anxious Attachment?The biggest identifiable cause of anxious attachment is inconsistency in a caregiver. The unpredictability creates uncertainty in the child, not knowing whether their needs will be met, or neglected. This contrasts with the avoidant attachment style, where rather than inconsistency, their needs were infrequently met, leading to a sense of learned helplessness and hyper-independence.RELATED: How Can You Apply Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development?Other causes of anxious attachment include an anxious parent, which makes sense, as behaviors are passed on and internalized by the child, through an inherited worldview or perspective. Equally, parents who look to their children to fulfill their own personal needs can create an anxious attachment. In these situations, parents are placing their needs ahead of the child's, often unconsciously. Various behaviors point to anxious attachment in children. The most obvious is distress when separated from parents, discomfort being looked after by strangers, aggression, and not easily soothing after being upset. Being able to spot this early can support the child's development, not allowing these tendencies to take a strong hold into adult life.How Anxious Attachment Affects Adult RelationshipsPeople with anxious attachment had to be alert as children to when their needs would be met. As a result, they can grow up to be hyper-vigilant of cues that their needs won’t be met in adult life. The increased sensitivity causes overreactivity to signs of rejection or abandonment, along with paranoia about people’s intentions. If a parent placing their needs above the child has a big influence, these children may grow up to become people pleasers, prioritizing other people’s needs ahead of their own.RELATED: Friends and Benefits: Everything You Need to Know About Platonic LovePeople with an anxious attachment style tend to have low self-esteem, whilst pedestalling others. This imbalance creates a sense of inferiority, often the anxious person places self-worth outside of themselves, seeking validation from others, mirroring early childhood experiences. In contrast, some attachment styles come with a low opinion of others, which contributes to a sense of avoidance.To move this from the theoretical to the practical, people that have anxious attachment will struggle to balance their needs with their partners. If you align with this style, you may feel afraid of losing your partner, feel highly attuned to their needs, but also sensitive to rejection. If things go wrong, you’ll like to personalize them and see them as a personal failing, even if the conflict or fallout is normal or something both people are responsible for.How to Heal an Anxious Attachment StyleIf you’re committed to personal growth and overcoming limitations, then identifying your attachment style is a huge catalyst for healing. Remember, it’s not a life sentence, but a way to detect conditioning, and heal effectively. It’s also an opportunity for self-compassion; Bowlby’s model shows how many of our adult tendencies were developed at a time of innocence and vulnerability.The good news is that attachment styles can be overcome and transformed into secure attachments. There’s no on-and-off switch, though, it’s a long process that will take patience, courage, and resilience. With that in mind, below are some steps to start the healing process, separated into personal and relational work.1. Confront Your WoundsOne of the tenets of growth is summarized by Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” You have to be willing to accept your wounds and limitations before they can heal. To use a metaphor, have you ever injured yourself, but only noticed the pain when you looked at the wound? Your awareness didn’t cause the damage, it brought an end to ignorance.In the same way, becoming aware of patterns and defense mechanisms is a way to change, but it will hurt in the short run. This has to be done with as much self-compassion as possible, not judgment or shame, although if those emotions surface, they are welcome. The aim is to get a clear picture of where you’re at, and then get to work. At this stage, the support of a therapist would be beneficial, but if that’s not possible, do your best to rely on your social network.2. Practice Emotional RegulationAttachment styles, imprinted in childhood, influence your present to the extent to which you respond to those wounds. Many trauma-informed experts note how, in moments where you become triggered, old patterns of behavior come online. In those moments, your emotional life acts at the level of the inner child, frozen at the time of its original source of pain. In the words of Gabor Maté:“What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”Gabor MatéEmotional regulation requires the awareness to spot those attachment triggers, to soothe them, confront them, and accept them, without operating at their demand. That means developing the skill to be with strong emotions such as jealousy, anger, and sadness, and allowing them to move through. In addition, you’ll be able to experience them whilst retaining emotional closeness to your partner.3. Get Clear On Your NeedsThe blur of past and present is something that has to be overcome in order to get a clear idea of what your adult needs are. When operating from attachment wounds, people tend to fall back on old mechanisms. The avoidant will withdraw completely, the anxious will become hyper-vigilant and fearful. Whilst there’s always room for insecurity — it’s part of being vulnerable — a more mature medium has to be found.To counter excessive neediness, as an anxiously attached person, it pays to look for ways to cultivate more emotional independence. Where can you meet your own needs? In addition, once you identify reasonable needs, you have to be able to communicate them with your partner.When it comes to communication, there’s a balance between communicating the ideal and communicating the process. By this, I mean that you may need a meta-level of communication to acknowledge, “hey, I’m working on some attachment wounds at the moment, and I need support as I grow and evolve,” rather than communicating from the place you would like to be at.4. Shift Your Relationship From Fear to GrowthThis step naturally requires the willingness and cooperation of a partner. Much of the work can be done alone, as you work on identifying wounds and emotional regulation. But the raw, messy work is done in the moment when faced with interpersonal conflict, unmet needs, or the challenge of communicating when feeling upset or triggered. This naturally calls for a different dynamic in your relationship, from fear to growth.In this sense, fear is an indicator of what opportunities there are to learn and grow — together. By starting an open and honest dialogue, your healing journey can become part of a co-adventure with your partner. Ideally, your partner will be doing their inner work, too, and the two of you will strive to communicate through any difficulties that arise.Forgetting the myth of easy, when you see a relationship as an opportunity to grow beyond the limitations of old patterns, it will paradoxically bring you closer together. To be able to boldly say, “I am afraid of losing you,” whilst choosing not to spiral or project your anger or insecurities on your partner, is all part of a trust-building exercise. The more you face your fear, and come through the other side, the more you will develop the self-esteem to know you can navigate the highs and lows of love, without losing yourself along the way.KEEP READING How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship
Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder? How to Find the Balance of Time Together and Time Apart
In Symposium, Greek philosopher Plato offers a portrayal of love in which humans are split in two, and are forever destined to seek their counterpart. This image of love, one of union, two becoming one, is common. When you meet the love of your life, shouldn’t you crave to spend every second of every day looking longingly into their eyes, making the most of the time you spent together on the planet? Not quite.RELATED: What Are SMART Goals and How Can They Improve Your Relationship?Balancing competing wants and needs is an essential quality of a fulfilling, nourishing, long-term relationship. To avoid the pitfalls of codependency or a loss of self, that means cultivating time alone for personal development, hobbies, and activities outside of the romantic relationship. Paradoxically, time apart brings two people closer together.But is it true that absence makes the heart grow fonder? How much time alone is necessary for relationships to thrive? And what are the signs that space is the quality your relationship needs, or is benefitting from the most? Why Absence Can Sometimes Be a Good Thing in LoveAsking for or giving space in a relationship doesn’t have to be a red flag, but a practice is knowing what serves a relationship in the long-run. I’m someone who needs a lot of time alone, far above average, and my need for space is something I’ve had to communicate with my partner. Initially, it caused difficulty. But when this space was framed as positive for the relationship, it made it clearer time apart was an act of love.Having time alone allows you to process emotions or events in your own time, to explore other activities and hobbies. For me, it allows me to focus on both my creativity and spiritual practices. I’m highly sensitive to other people’s energy, even a loved one, and time to myself is my way of regaining balance. From that place, I have more to give to the relationship.It seems I’m not alone. In three decades of research of married couples, Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, discovered that needing more time alone was an issue for 29 percent of couples. Other research backs this up. One study from 2013 found that couples in long-distance relationships had less frequent, but more meaningful interactions with their partners, including deeper levels of intimacy.Where Did the Saying Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Come From?Back to the famous phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Is this strictly true? Some research from MIT Technology Review points in this direction. The phrase is believed to have originated from Roman poet Sextus in Elegies (“Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows”). The study explored cold, hard data that looked at call records, which seems to suggest that humans invest more in relationships that have distance between them. That applies to both romance and platonic relationships.Another question is how the phrase is interpreted. Being away from a loved one may increase desire, such as in a long-distance relationship, and lead to more investment in the relationship, but how much space is healthy? There can’t be a never-ending positive correlation. Relationships may grow fonder with distance, but grow together in proximity. So how is the balance formed? How Much Space Is Healthy for Romantic Relationships?Maybe it’s accurate to say: some absence makes the heart grow fonder, and finding how much absence you need is the biggest test of your relationship. It’s not quite as snappy as Roman poetry, but closer to truth. When it comes to discerning how much space is healthy, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, it will depend on a number of factors, mostly how much time you need alone, how much your partner needs, and how much is healthy for the relationship to thrive. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, there will be other constraints to consider, too.How much space do you need? In truth, this is a lifelong practice of self-understanding. At certain times, you’ll likely need more space than others. Within this exploration, break down three criteria: minimum, adequate, and ideal. Your minimum is how much time alone you need for your mental health. Adequate is “enough,” whilst ideal is if you had no other things to consider.How much space does my partner need? This requires your partner to follow the above steps themselves. The more you can gauge your personal preferences, the more likely you are to find a middle ground.How much space is healthy for the relationship to thrive? Let’s say you need three days each week away from the relationship, while your partner would like only one day each week. Clearly, if you were to only meet your ideal needs, the relationship would become one-sided. Eventually, it would suffer through a lack of emotional or psychological closeness, and your partner could end up feeling neglected.Finding a healthy balance, when you have a good understanding of how much time alone each person needs, requires considering multiple factors. In my experience, I’ve been able to increase the time I’ve spent with my partner as I’ve got better at communicating my needs and setting compassionate boundaries. In effect, I’m less protective of my time alone, and trust we can find happy mediums, such as co-working, or being together whilst taking time away, such as meditating or journaling in a different room.Signs Absence Is Making Your Heart Grow FonderOnce you start this exploration, you’ll then be able to see the signs when absence is making your heart grow fonder, and when it’s stretching the relationship too much through too much distance. Some of the signs the space you’re experiencing is skilful and beneficial include:Inspired plans: in the time away from the relationship, you start to experience inspired ideas about the relationship. For example, you begin to imagine future plans or think of ways to make the most of time together.You feel seen and understood: when you do your own thing, you don’t feel as if it’s something to feel bad for, but actually feel that it allows you to be seen for who you are, and this level of acceptance makes you even more grateful for your relationship.You need less time than you thought: talking from my experience, the big sign is that, when you take time away, you end up missing your partner and wanting to spend time with them! The challenger at this stage is to communicate gently, and not expect your partner to be immediately available.You return with smiles on your faces: when you do meet-up, you both have a level of excitement, not only at being together, but sharing what you’ve both been up to during your time apart. That feeling of returning to each other also keeps the romance alive, and the fire of passion stoked.We’ll end on a word of warning: certain attachment styles can mistakenly associate time apart as skilful, when it enters avoidance territory. Only you can truly know this with self-honesty and self-observation. Relationships do require you to show up, be accountable, work through the tough stuff. All of that requires presence. It’s completely natural, and healthy, to take time apart, but make sure absence is masking other issues in the relationship.Unsurprising for a philosopher with such depth and genius, Plato was onto something in Symposium. Perhaps true love is the experience of union with someone else, feeling like we’ve found a home, that we want to spend all of our time with that person. But maybe the biggest act of love is the discipline to allow each of you to flourish, alone, to bring your fullest selves to the dynamic, enjoying the best of both worlds, together, and alone, each fuelling the beauty of the other.KEEP READING Signs Of A Karmic Relationship, And How to Use One For Spiritual Growth
