Anxious Attachment Style: How to Heal Insecurities For Greater Emotional Intimacy
Love isn’t easy, despite cultural messages about meeting “the one” and living happily ever after. It takes work, not only in communication and mutual understanding but to confront your deepest wounds. The more you open yourself to vulnerability and intimacy, the more you will face the anxieties and fears that have accumulated over the years. The more you become attached, the more courage you’ll need.RELATED: Avoidant Attachment Style: How to Identify and Overcome A Fear of IntimacyThe mechanism of love, and how it resurfaces old wounds, is best captured by John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which was introduced in the 1950s, but has now become widely recognized. Bowlby theorized that our early interpersonal relationship with our caregivers, the attachments made as an infant where we relied on others to keep us alive, ends up shaping our adult relationships.Within attachment theory, there are four main styles: anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, and secure attachment. This article will zoom in on anxious attachment, which, as the name implies, is identified by significant amounts of anxiety when forming relationships. With 20 percent of the population thought to have an anxious attachment style, there’s a chance this relates to you.What Is Anxious Attachment?The terms given to each attachment style give some indication of what they describe. People with secure styles typically develop healthy relationships. People with an avoidant attachment style often create emotional distance through fear of being rejected or not having their needs met. This isn’t always clear with the avoidant attachment style, however, and these people tend to appear aloof or unaffected.People with anxious attachment are afraid of losing the love they have, or fear their love won’t be reciprocated. That can manifest as clinginess or neediness — they hold onto the person they love (think of the image of a child hugging a parent’s leg as they go to leave the house). Bowlby noted a distinction with the anxious attachment style; anxiety in these people often manifests as anger or jealousy. In A Secure Base, he writes:“We take it for granted that, when a relationship to a special loved person is endangered, we are not only anxious but are usually angry as well. As responses to the risk of loss, anxiety and anger go hand in hand. It is not for nothing that they have the same etymological root.”John BowlbyThese aren’t hard and fast rules. Some people oscillate between different manifestations or insecurities, depending on the relationship, and the situation. However, similar to personality types, these describe a person’s tendencies based on early childhood experiences. In this sense, Bowlby offered a different approach to child development in contrast to Sigmund Freud.What Triggers Anxious Attachment?The biggest identifiable cause of anxious attachment is inconsistency in a caregiver. The unpredictability creates uncertainty in the child, not knowing whether their needs will be met, or neglected. This contrasts with the avoidant attachment style, where rather than inconsistency, their needs were infrequently met, leading to a sense of learned helplessness and hyper-independence.RELATED: How Can You Apply Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development?Other causes of anxious attachment include an anxious parent, which makes sense, as behaviors are passed on and internalized by the child, through an inherited worldview or perspective. Equally, parents who look to their children to fulfill their own personal needs can create an anxious attachment. In these situations, parents are placing their needs ahead of the child's, often unconsciously. Various behaviors point to anxious attachment in children. The most obvious is distress when separated from parents, discomfort being looked after by strangers, aggression, and not easily soothing after being upset. Being able to spot this early can support the child's development, not allowing these tendencies to take a strong hold into adult life.How Anxious Attachment Affects Adult RelationshipsPeople with anxious attachment had to be alert as children to when their needs would be met. As a result, they can grow up to be hyper-vigilant of cues that their needs won’t be met in adult life. The increased sensitivity causes overreactivity to signs of rejection or abandonment, along with paranoia about people’s intentions. If a parent placing their needs above the child has a big influence, these children may grow up to become people pleasers, prioritizing other people’s needs ahead of their own.RELATED: Friends and Benefits: Everything You Need to Know About Platonic LovePeople with an anxious attachment style tend to have low self-esteem, whilst pedestalling others. This imbalance creates a sense of inferiority, often the anxious person places self-worth outside of themselves, seeking validation from others, mirroring early childhood experiences. In contrast, some attachment styles come with a low opinion of others, which contributes to a sense of avoidance.To move this from the theoretical to the practical, people that have anxious attachment will struggle to balance their needs with their partners. If you align with this style, you may feel afraid of losing your partner, feel highly attuned to their needs, but also sensitive to rejection. If things go wrong, you’ll like to personalize them and see them as a personal failing, even if the conflict or fallout is normal or something both people are responsible for.How to Heal an Anxious Attachment StyleIf you’re committed to personal growth and overcoming limitations, then identifying your attachment style is a huge catalyst for healing. Remember, it’s not a life sentence, but a way to detect conditioning, and heal effectively. It’s also an opportunity for self-compassion; Bowlby’s model shows how many of our adult tendencies were developed at a time of innocence and vulnerability.The good news is that attachment styles can be overcome and transformed into secure attachments. There’s no on-and-off switch, though, it’s a long process that will take patience, courage, and resilience. With that in mind, below are some steps to start the healing process, separated into personal and relational work.1. Confront Your WoundsOne of the tenets of growth is summarized by Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” You have to be willing to accept your wounds and limitations before they can heal. To use a metaphor, have you ever injured yourself, but only noticed the pain when you looked at the wound? Your awareness didn’t cause the damage, it brought an end to ignorance.In the same way, becoming aware of patterns and defense mechanisms is a way to change, but it will hurt in the short run. This has to be done with as much self-compassion as possible, not judgment or shame, although if those emotions surface, they are welcome. The aim is to get a clear picture of where you’re at, and then get to work. At this stage, the support of a therapist would be beneficial, but if that’s not possible, do your best to rely on your social network.2. Practice Emotional RegulationAttachment styles, imprinted in childhood, influence your present to the extent to which you respond to those wounds. Many trauma-informed experts note how, in moments where you become triggered, old patterns of behavior come online. In those moments, your emotional life acts at the level of the inner child, frozen at the time of its original source of pain. In the words of Gabor Maté:“What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”Gabor MatéEmotional regulation requires the awareness to spot those attachment triggers, to soothe them, confront them, and accept them, without operating at their demand. That means developing the skill to be with strong emotions such as jealousy, anger, and sadness, and allowing them to move through. In addition, you’ll be able to experience them whilst retaining emotional closeness to your partner.3. Get Clear On Your NeedsThe blur of past and present is something that has to be overcome in order to get a clear idea of what your adult needs are. When operating from attachment wounds, people tend to fall back on old mechanisms. The avoidant will withdraw completely, the anxious will become hyper-vigilant and fearful. Whilst there’s always room for insecurity — it’s part of being vulnerable — a more mature medium has to be found.To counter excessive neediness, as an anxiously attached person, it pays to look for ways to cultivate more emotional independence. Where can you meet your own needs? In addition, once you identify reasonable needs, you have to be able to communicate them with your partner.When it comes to communication, there’s a balance between communicating the ideal and communicating the process. By this, I mean that you may need a meta-level of communication to acknowledge, “hey, I’m working on some attachment wounds at the moment, and I need support as I grow and evolve,” rather than communicating from the place you would like to be at.4. Shift Your Relationship From Fear to GrowthThis step naturally requires the willingness and cooperation of a partner. Much of the work can be done alone, as you work on identifying wounds and emotional regulation. But the raw, messy work is done in the moment when faced with interpersonal conflict, unmet needs, or the challenge of communicating when feeling upset or triggered. This naturally calls for a different dynamic in your relationship, from fear to growth.In this sense, fear is an indicator of what opportunities there are to learn and grow — together. By starting an open and honest dialogue, your healing journey can become part of a co-adventure with your partner. Ideally, your partner will be doing their inner work, too, and the two of you will strive to communicate through any difficulties that arise.Forgetting the myth of easy, when you see a relationship as an opportunity to grow beyond the limitations of old patterns, it will paradoxically bring you closer together. To be able to boldly say, “I am afraid of losing you,” whilst choosing not to spiral or project your anger or insecurities on your partner, is all part of a trust-building exercise. The more you face your fear, and come through the other side, the more you will develop the self-esteem to know you can navigate the highs and lows of love, without losing yourself along the way.KEEP READING How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship
4 Signs You've Found a Kindred Spirit, Not a Soulmate
Spirituality is sometimes referred to as the dimension “beyond” language. Any words used to attempt to describe or explain it will always be poor translations because spirituality is undefinable. Language is a way we view and make sense of the world; we categorize, label, identify, and communicate with words. Words, and language, are no replacement for the direct experience of reality. And yet, there is an infinite amount of information on spirituality.RELATED: The Psychology and Spirituality Causes Of An Identity CrisisWhen it comes to non-ordinary dimensions and spiritual experiences, many people have attempted to apply language to create structure or understanding. Words like soulmates, awareness, oneness, twin flames, and past life, are attempts at describing something. They point to something mysterious, but won’t ever fully capture it.When it comes to defining relationships, what’s most important is your primary experience. What your intuition and instinct tell you. Here, we’ll explore the definition of the kindred spirit, and how it differentiates from other types of relationships. As you read, trust your gut. Words can take you so far, the rest is how you relate what's described to your reality.What Is a Kindred Spirit?According to Cambridge Dictionary a kindred spirit is “a person who has the same opinions, feelings, and interests as you.” Its origin is unclear, but the structure of the word makes sense — kin means family. So it’s a safe bet to assume the word originated to describe a family not connected by blood but connected in spirit. Whether this was an attempt to literally attempt to define spiritual connections or a phrase used as more of a metaphor, is unclear.Typically, a kindred spirit is someone you have some type of instant connection with, and life will usually have a way of introducing you in the context of your similarities and shared quirks. Upon mapping this spiritual terrain, some people have categorized kindred spirits in contrast to other types of fated connections, including soulmates and twin flames.Kindred Spirits, Soulmates, and Twin FlamesKeeping the use of language in mind, all of these definitions aren’t clear facts, but interpretations. To their credit, these definitions have lasted the test of time, as enough people have found them relatable to their experience. As we go through the different definitions, consider how this relates to relationships you’ve experienced. You’ll likely get an intuitive sense of what these labels are pointing to.Unlike kindred spirits, whose relationships are usually friction-free and based in similarities, soulmates are relationships that are centered around spiritual growth. They are typically karmic relationships that are “designed” to teach. Their dynamics are usually catalytic, and although some soulmate connections can be fairly conflict free, many will have moments of conflict.RELATED: How To Apply The Seven Spiritual Laws of SuccessThe metaphysical idea behind this is that the soul, before incarnating, makes certain karmic agreements in terms of what lessons must be learned throughout an individual lifetime. This worldview incorporates the spiritual dimension as an invisible guiding force that allows for these opportunities to arise. A person can have many soulmates (sometimes called a soul tribe), and they can come in the form of many dynamics, including family, friends, colleagues, or mentors.Twin flames are soulmates on steroids. Each person has only one twin flame, said to be one soul separated into two. Also with deep karmic lessons to process and heal, many soulmates' relationships are high intensity, with a level of illumination that means it’s not easy to escape limitations or unhealed wounds in the presence of their other half. Words of warning, though, that sometimes twin flame relationships can be confused for trauma bonds.The Role Kindred Spirits PlaySo what’s the purpose of a kindred spirit? Bring to mind a relationship you feel could meet this definition. What does it mean to you? What does it offer? Kindred spirits are opportunities for connection. It’s easier to form a relationship with someone you hit it off with immediately. It gives you a whole host of topics to discuss, or hobbies to enjoy together. That can lead to trust being built over a short period of time. But another element of kindred spirits is often overlooked.Because kindred spirits are like-minded, these dynamics are opportunities to develop deeper levels of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Why? It’s often much easier to see the finer qualities in other people and fail to see them in ourselves. We might feel unlovable or different from others, with a subtle but limiting sense of separation. Meet someone who has the same interests, and in seeing them for who they are, you end up seeing yourself.That person and the mutual deep understanding of the relationship can give you permission to be more authentically you. They can empower you to move deeper into the things that give you a sense of inspiration and excitement, which comes with its own sense of adventure and aliveness. It can offer an outlet where you can share openly and freely, without risk of judgment. All of which is a huge boost to self-esteem. Signs You’ve Found Your Kindred SpiritBy now, you’ll likely have a clear idea of what these types of relationships are, and what they have to offer. Still unsure about whether you’ve found your kindred spirit connection? Below are the common signs that will give you a good indication.1. The Instant Connection Is Like A SmileWhat do I mean, the connection is like a smile? With a kindred spirit, the connection has a quality of playfulness and lightness to it. In Buddhism, there’s a practice known as the inner smile. It involves visualizing a smile in your heart as you go about the world, in order to cultivate compassion and kindness. The instant connection with a kindred spirit feels similar. You may be compelled to literally smile as you suddenly realize: this is my type of person.In contrast, while a soulmate meeting can be light, it covers a whole host of contexts, some of them more emotionally challenging; hence the warning of trauma bonding. 2. You Meet In Circumstances That Quickly Show Your SimilaritiesThere’s no slow burn with kindred spirits. No gradual reveal. It’s apparent, often immediately, that there is a shared connection, and life has its way of showing you this. For example, it could be that you’re in a situation where you feel slightly left out, or disconnected. Maybe you feel anxious in a new social situation, or you’re at a workshop and struggling with one of the exercises. Then along comes someone who, at a glance, understands what you’re going through, because they are too.Again, to contrast this, because soulmates are karmically intertwined, it’s common to initially feel repelled or triggered by their appearance. Usually, this is because what their energy, behavior, or viewpoint is showing you is a part of yourself you’ve rejected or denied, that has to be re-integrated through the soulmate relationship.3. Harmony Will Depend on Self-Awareness and Self-AcceptanceTo a much lesser extent than twin flames, kindred spirits are still intertwined with the spiritual dimension, which in its essence is designed for individual flourishing and growth. That does mean that it will require an element of self-awareness and self-acceptance in order to find harmony, even if the relationship is lighthearted. This is hidden in the concept of two people being too similar.Because kindred spirits are very similar, if they represent certain traits that “clash” with your own, it’ll cause a lack of harmony. For example, if you can both be stubborn, there’s a chance that stubbornness, at some point, will create a barrier to the relationship flourishing. If you both use humor to lighten moments, even when inappropriate, you may experience your kindred spirit making a joke when you don’t feel like it. See the pattern?When exploring what behaviors you like or dislike with your kindred spirit, you’ll reveal what qualities you wish to cultivate or avoid within yourself. Keep in mind, no person is perfect, and no relationship is free from the usual challenges. Even a kindred spirit will occasionally annoy you or make mistakes.4. They Become a Sounding BoardNo matter how the relationship dynamic plays out, though, a kindred spirit will always be someone you can deeply trust. That means that they will likely become someone you can use as a sounding board, someone to share life’s struggles with, or get a gut check when in a difficult situation. That doesn’t apply to all situations, but if you tune into your intuition, you’ll get a sense of the times when your kindred spirit will be the ideal person to talk to.It’s important to have diversity within social connections. Using people with different backgrounds and perspectives as a sounding board is always worthwhile, as long as you remain discerning. But the benefit of a kindred spirit is that they will have a deep understanding of your tendencies, and will be able to relate fully to your experience.As a result, they’ll become powerful allies on the path. Not only the spiritual path. But the path of learning to be fully human.KEEP READING Twin Flame Meaning: The Signs You’ve Found Your Spiritual Mirror
Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder? How to Find the Balance of Time Together and Time Apart
In Symposium, Greek philosopher Plato offers a portrayal of love in which humans are split in two, and are forever destined to seek their counterpart. This image of love, one of union, two becoming one, is common. When you meet the love of your life, shouldn’t you crave to spend every second of every day looking longingly into their eyes, making the most of the time you spent together on the planet? Not quite.RELATED: What Are SMART Goals and How Can They Improve Your Relationship?Balancing competing wants and needs is an essential quality of a fulfilling, nourishing, long-term relationship. To avoid the pitfalls of codependency or a loss of self, that means cultivating time alone for personal development, hobbies, and activities outside of the romantic relationship. Paradoxically, time apart brings two people closer together.But is it true that absence makes the heart grow fonder? How much time alone is necessary for relationships to thrive? And what are the signs that space is the quality your relationship needs, or is benefitting from the most? Why Absence Can Sometimes Be a Good Thing in LoveAsking for or giving space in a relationship doesn’t have to be a red flag, but a practice is knowing what serves a relationship in the long-run. I’m someone who needs a lot of time alone, far above average, and my need for space is something I’ve had to communicate with my partner. Initially, it caused difficulty. But when this space was framed as positive for the relationship, it made it clearer time apart was an act of love.Having time alone allows you to process emotions or events in your own time, to explore other activities and hobbies. For me, it allows me to focus on both my creativity and spiritual practices. I’m highly sensitive to other people’s energy, even a loved one, and time to myself is my way of regaining balance. From that place, I have more to give to the relationship.It seems I’m not alone. In three decades of research of married couples, Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, discovered that needing more time alone was an issue for 29 percent of couples. Other research backs this up. One study from 2013 found that couples in long-distance relationships had less frequent, but more meaningful interactions with their partners, including deeper levels of intimacy.Where Did the Saying Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Come From?Back to the famous phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Is this strictly true? Some research from MIT Technology Review points in this direction. The phrase is believed to have originated from Roman poet Sextus in Elegies (“Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows”). The study explored cold, hard data that looked at call records, which seems to suggest that humans invest more in relationships that have distance between them. That applies to both romance and platonic relationships.Another question is how the phrase is interpreted. Being away from a loved one may increase desire, such as in a long-distance relationship, and lead to more investment in the relationship, but how much space is healthy? There can’t be a never-ending positive correlation. Relationships may grow fonder with distance, but grow together in proximity. So how is the balance formed? How Much Space Is Healthy for Romantic Relationships?Maybe it’s accurate to say: some absence makes the heart grow fonder, and finding how much absence you need is the biggest test of your relationship. It’s not quite as snappy as Roman poetry, but closer to truth. When it comes to discerning how much space is healthy, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, it will depend on a number of factors, mostly how much time you need alone, how much your partner needs, and how much is healthy for the relationship to thrive. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, there will be other constraints to consider, too.How much space do you need? In truth, this is a lifelong practice of self-understanding. At certain times, you’ll likely need more space than others. Within this exploration, break down three criteria: minimum, adequate, and ideal. Your minimum is how much time alone you need for your mental health. Adequate is “enough,” whilst ideal is if you had no other things to consider.How much space does my partner need? This requires your partner to follow the above steps themselves. The more you can gauge your personal preferences, the more likely you are to find a middle ground.How much space is healthy for the relationship to thrive? Let’s say you need three days each week away from the relationship, while your partner would like only one day each week. Clearly, if you were to only meet your ideal needs, the relationship would become one-sided. Eventually, it would suffer through a lack of emotional or psychological closeness, and your partner could end up feeling neglected.Finding a healthy balance, when you have a good understanding of how much time alone each person needs, requires considering multiple factors. In my experience, I’ve been able to increase the time I’ve spent with my partner as I’ve got better at communicating my needs and setting compassionate boundaries. In effect, I’m less protective of my time alone, and trust we can find happy mediums, such as co-working, or being together whilst taking time away, such as meditating or journaling in a different room.Signs Absence Is Making Your Heart Grow FonderOnce you start this exploration, you’ll then be able to see the signs when absence is making your heart grow fonder, and when it’s stretching the relationship too much through too much distance. Some of the signs the space you’re experiencing is skilful and beneficial include:Inspired plans: in the time away from the relationship, you start to experience inspired ideas about the relationship. For example, you begin to imagine future plans or think of ways to make the most of time together.You feel seen and understood: when you do your own thing, you don’t feel as if it’s something to feel bad for, but actually feel that it allows you to be seen for who you are, and this level of acceptance makes you even more grateful for your relationship.You need less time than you thought: talking from my experience, the big sign is that, when you take time away, you end up missing your partner and wanting to spend time with them! The challenger at this stage is to communicate gently, and not expect your partner to be immediately available.You return with smiles on your faces: when you do meet-up, you both have a level of excitement, not only at being together, but sharing what you’ve both been up to during your time apart. That feeling of returning to each other also keeps the romance alive, and the fire of passion stoked.We’ll end on a word of warning: certain attachment styles can mistakenly associate time apart as skilful, when it enters avoidance territory. Only you can truly know this with self-honesty and self-observation. Relationships do require you to show up, be accountable, work through the tough stuff. All of that requires presence. It’s completely natural, and healthy, to take time apart, but make sure absence is masking other issues in the relationship.Unsurprising for a philosopher with such depth and genius, Plato was onto something in Symposium. Perhaps true love is the experience of union with someone else, feeling like we’ve found a home, that we want to spend all of our time with that person. But maybe the biggest act of love is the discipline to allow each of you to flourish, alone, to bring your fullest selves to the dynamic, enjoying the best of both worlds, together, and alone, each fuelling the beauty of the other.KEEP READING Signs Of A Karmic Relationship, And How to Use One For Spiritual Growth
The Basic Principles of Feng Shui: The Philosophy Much, Much Deeper Than Interior Design
I made a big decision yesterday — I moved my desk by 45 degrees. My visual field has changed. What was once a window, looking over a man-made valley between the residential buildings where I live, is now my living area. Rather than my back facing the rest of the room, it is now against a solid wall. Why all the excitement and change, you might ask? The simple answer is I felt something wasn’t quite right with the previous setup.RELATED: Wabi-Sabi: 6 Life-Changing Methods to Embrace ImperfectionThat subtle feeling is hard to describe. It’s intuitive. And yet, we are blessed to have access to ancient wisdom that puts words to these subtleties. One branch of such wisdom, feng shui, is the philosophy of energizing environments. Rather than purely aesthetic, this practice is based on the belief in subtle energies that have a significant impact on our psychology and well-being.What Is Feng Shui?Feng shui is a Chinese philosophy stretching all the way back to 4,000 BC. Although you may be familiar with the term due to its Western use, which focuses on the superficial elements of interior design, feng shui has sacred roots. It links to Eastern philosophies including Taoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, and more, and is deeply connected to the principle of Ch’i, the vital life force that permeates all things. Chinese scholar Yang Yun Song has been called the Father of Feng Shui, and is credited with writing one of the first books presenting its philosophy.Feng shui translates to “wind and water,” which gives some sense of its application. Legendary martial artist Bruce Lee famously said “be like water,” pointing to the nature of Ch’i, and how it aligns with the energetic flow of the universe. Ch’i is an energetic product of opposing forces of positive and negative energy, or yin and yang. Ch’i isn’t to be forced or controlled, but surrendered to, in order to flow with the natural order of things.Riding the wave of this energy flow, feng shui harmonizes people with their environments. Its early applications ranged from choosing land to settle and develop crops, to governmental buildings, sacred sites, and tombs. Anyone who has looked into ancient architecture will know how important the positioning and structure of physical buildings were. Like many ancient approaches, feng shui also considers astrology and the position of the stars.Feng Shui and Electromagnetic FieldsAlthough labeled as pseudo-scientific by certain, let’s say, more skeptical communities, the principles of feng shui have interesting parallels with modern understanding of the Earth’s magnetic fields. A study from 2019 discovered that some people sense changes in these fields, similar to many animals that rely on them to navigate — think salmon traveling 1,000s of miles through the sea, or birds migrating through the sky.Other studies led by HeartMath Institute have shown that people respond to coherence to the frequency of the Earth. When brainwaves and heart rate match that of the Earth’s natural frequency, people feel calmer, more compassionate, and more at ease. There’s also little doubt about the interconnection of nature, and how humans are intertwined with their environment. All of which to say, there’s a plausible amount of science to back up the wisdom of this ancient Chinese art.Applying Feng Shui to Your HomeKeep in mind this is largely an intuitive process. As you make changes, pay close attention to how you feel. Most of us have “a vibe” of a room, or felt comfortable or uncomfortable sitting in a specific place in a cafe or similar, without knowing why. Perhaps, like magnetic fields, we have an intuitive connection to the principles of feng shui.While it might not be possible to enter a trance-like state, tune into the Earth’s electromagnetic field, and position your furniture in a way that will astrologically transform your entire life, there are certain principles of feng shui that can be adopted at home.1. Consider the ElementsA cornerstone of the philosophy of feng shui is related to the five elements: fire, earth, metal, water, and wood. Nature is the product of construct flux and interaction between these elements. In feng shui, harmony in an environment requires a balance of these elements. As objects, elements represent rock or ceramics, candles or fireplaces, electronics or metal furniture, fountains or aquariums, or plants. Each element is represented by a color, too: red, yellow, white/beige/silver, dark blue or black, blue or green.An excess of certain elements can cause things to be out of balance. If that’s the case, other elements have to be introduced to neutralize the environment, depending on their relationship. Wood weakens water and strengthens fire. Fire weakens wood and strengthens Earth. Earth weakens fire and strengthens metal. Metal weakens Earth and strengthens water. Water weakens metal and strengthens wood.2. Respect the DoorwayDoorways are a big deal in feng shui. They’re viewed as portals of Ch’i, the thresholds between the individual building (or home, or office) and the outside world. Seen as an individual organism, this is the home’s defense against negative energy. Each separate room has a portal-within-a-portal, which has to be equally respected. With the main door of your home, make sure the hallway is free from clutter — set the intention to frame the entry point in a positive way. Clean, purposeful, tidy.Equally, make sure all doors can open freely. It’s tempting to place things behind doors, such as an umbrella stand in the hallway, or a piece of furniture in the living room. But for optimal energy flow, doors have to be free to open as wide as possible.3. Set Up the Commanding PositionLinked to the power of doorways, the commanding position is the optimal set-up for key items, including your bed, stove, and desk. Like my intuitive decision to move my desk, the feng shui principles suggest avoiding having your back to a doorway, at any given moment. Symbolically, this represents being ready for what life has ahead of you, and not being caught off-guard.The recommended commanding position is facing a door, but not directly in front of it; so perhaps diagonally or at an angle. For your desk, a bonus point is to have your back facing a solid wall, which represents being supported and strong in your career decisions.4. Declutter and Keep Things Tidy More common sense than anything, decluttering and tidying is key factor in creating a harmonious and productive environment. The principle of feng shui is that environments are “alive,” in some sense, and they are symbolic of our inner world. While you may not have full control over shared spaces, you are in command of your home. Clutter represents a busy mind. Old or broken objects represent holding onto things that no longer have value.In recent years, there’s been a rise in the use of minimalism. That doesn’t have to be the case with feng shui, but pay close attention to the objects in your home. If your environment was an extension of you, how could you best care for it? What does it represent currently, and what would you like it to represent? Some TLC in this direction can create a positive feedback loop.5. Invest in Plants Plants are the embodiment of the element of wood. In terms of feng shui, and the interconnection between people and their environment, it doesn’t get much stronger than plants that play a role in recycling the oxygen you breathe. Unsurprisingly, research has found a whole host of benefits of having plants on display, from reduced stress and improved focus.The same principle from above applies — make sure you care for them! Water them regularly, and trim them whenever they become overgrown (it is said that an overgrown branch becomes imbalanced in its yang energy, sucking up too much light and demanding extra nutrients to survive). If the unfortunate happens and plants start to die, it's time to get rid of them. In feng shui, dead plants are a big no in terms of negative energy.6. Consider Movement PatternsFeng shui is all about maximizing the power of the Earth’s life force, so energy can flow freely. This is symbolized in your home, or office, by how freely you can move through the environment. Pay attention to the layout of the furniture, and the regular ways you have to move. Are there obstacles? Do you have to awkwardly squeeze past tables or chairs as you walk to the kitchen or the bathroom? Being able to move easily requires a healthy dose of space, the overlooked element in many interiors. Space is the “glue” that invisibly connects all the items in your home or office. Use it wisely.7. Work With LightWhen it comes to energy, there’s no source more powerful and life-sustaining than the sun. A supportive and nourishing environment will make the best use of natural light during daytime, which means keeping windows unobstructed and clean, and positioning key areas with the dance of light in mind. Consider using mirrors to add the extra illusion of light and space in certain areas, if necessary.When it comes to artificial light, make sure your home or office is lit well. Be purposeful with your lighting — brighter light works better for productivity, whereas dull, warm light might be better for when you’re relaxing in the evening. Make sure to include the fire element and add a number of candles around your home, too.Piecing It Together There’s a lot of mystical wisdom to feng shui. If you feel the pull, feel free to immerse yourself in learning more about the flow of energy fields, and how to harness the power of working with the natural ebb and flow of nature. Feng shui is much more than home layouts, and its philosophy can be widely applied to many areas of life. If that’s too much to ask, though, at the very least it’s a philosophy that can inspire you to think differently about the relationship you have with your environment.Become more deliberate about the quality of your living or workspace. Keeping things clean and tidy, and positioning things in a way that feels intuitively “right,” can only have positive results. Don’t stress too much about doing everything perfectly, as there are often contradictions or impossibilities (for example, in my home, it’s impossible for my bed to face the door), but do your best to sprinkle a little magic. Who knows, maybe it’s the small adjustment that can take your life to the next level.KEEP READING Kaizen: How You Can Utilize The Japanese Philosophy of Continual Improvement
