The Happiness Hack: Learning to Love Your Negative Emotions
Do you ever feel angry, frustrated, or jealous and try to hide it from others because you don’t want to be perceived as a negative person? Do you have self-doubts and fears that keep you from freely expressing yourself? Congratulations – you're normal! The ability to have feelings is a sign of emotional health. Positivity has an amazing impact on our well-being overall. We all know that “just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Too much of it though is not so beneficial. No human being can be positive 100% of the time, nor should they. New research actually shows that being able to experience and accept our negative emotions is vital to our mental health. To be healthy and functional, we need to be able to connect with all of our emotions, the good as well as the bad. The Happiness Hack: Learning to Love Your Negative Emotions As a child, I remember instinctively licking my wounds without anybody having taught me how to. Later on, I was able to overcome psychological pain by following my inner child’s guidance. I strongly believe that we as humans have an amazing intrinsic ability to heal ourselves, both physically and emotionally. Long before I heard about emotional intelligence, when I was going through some challenging times, I remember my friend asking: “How do you manage to stay so calm all the time?” “I just know why I feel the way I feel,” I replied. “That makes it easy to manage the feeling.” In reality I was like a bulletproof glass that seemed unbreakable -- but if you hit it with sufficient force in a specific spot, it would shatter into pieces. In order to hold myself together, I was telling myself things like, “It’s not the circumstances, it’s our attitude that defines us,” and “This too shall pass.” I was repeating positive affirmations, unintentionally. I also followed my burning desire to create and rekindled my old passion for painting. Unknowingly, I picked myself up emotionally. Now, when I have better educated myself and learned about emotional health and emotional intelligence, it became much easier to manage my inner world and to connect with others in a healthier way as well. If we aim to be absolutely positive, we must cultivate a favorable attitude towards our negative emotions as well. Instead of bashing and avoiding them at all cost, we should accept them and welcome the messages and lessons that they carry for us. Negative emotions are natural, and have some great benefits that are often overlooked. Negative emotions add spice to our life Although we may not like it spicy, everyone will face some negative situations in their life. It is just inevitable. The longer you live, the more discomfort you will feel, the more loss you will face, the more frustrated you may get. What if instead of getting bitter, we looked at negative circumstances as our lessons and celebrated our ability to feel? If we can feel it, we are still alive. Being able to experience a wide range of emotions makes our life richer. Negative emotions are essential for our survival Negative emotions are built-in instincts that are necessary for our survival. They notify us about dangerous conditions outside. They send the signals to our body and brain when our well-being may be at risk, so that we can deal with those threats effectively. They keep our bodies alive by preventing us from jumping off the cliff or walking on the highway. They also let us know in a more subtle way when our surroundings are not good for our mental health. They will keep nagging you and pushing in the right direction if you happen to go astray. Your “gut feeling” will always tell you if there is something that’s not working and needs to change in your life, whether it is a draining relationship or job that makes you miserable. The negative makes you appreciate the positive more Through the darkest night comes the brightest light. One of the greatest benefits of our negative emotions is that they can intensify our positive emotions later. Like in art, the shadows emphasize the light colors and make them appear brighter. As Rumi said so well: Sorrow ... shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. - Jalaluddin Rumi Just think of how many times we take things for granted until we lose them, and how much joy we have when we gain them back. Experiencing negative emotions makes you more empathetic towards others Another great benefit of having negative emotions is developing the ability to empathize. They say that people who have suffered the most have the biggest hearts. As John Steinbeck wrote: You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself. - John Steinbeck The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
The Surprising Way Travel Helps You Build Stronger Relationships
You have probably read gazillion articles about the benefits of travel. I won’t be repeating the obvious here. Instead, I want to tell a story that shows a surprising effect I discovered about how travel helps us connect with each other and build stronger relationships. Ready? What is the key to all successful relationships? I bet the majority would answer: communication. But did you know that most of how we communicate is actually non-verbal? The Surprising Way Travel Helps You Build Stronger Relationships There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word. -Yasmin Mogahed When you are immersed in an environment where you don’t speak a word of the local language, and they don’t speak yours, what do you do? Does it stop you from trying to connect with the people around you? Does it scare you? Does it frustrate you? We all remember the ancient story of Babel, where it was miscommunication that stopped the people from building the tower to heaven. But in fact, it's been proven that most of how we communicate is non-verbal. How often do we run into problems of misunderstanding with people who are close to us? You can speak the same language, be raised in the same family, and still not get the other person. When words fail: My adventures in (mis)communication I’ve been to places where I didn’t speak the language. The last one was in Bratislava, Slovakia. My native language is Russian, and English is second. I’m also fluent in Belarusian, although I don’t normally count it as an additional language, because it’s not widely spread (my former compatriots, please, forgive me for this). They spoke English well at the hotel and restaurants, but not so much on the streets. I was with my Hungarian friend who I met in the USA. One day we were up to checking out the ruins of an ancient castle in Devín, which is a borough of Bratislava. We decided to take a bus to get there. Google gave us pretty clear directions, and we thought it would be a piece of cake to find it. Unfortunately, when we got to the bus stop, we didn’t see the number of the bus we were supposed to take. That’s when all the fun began. There were only locals at the bus stop and they spoke nothing but Slovak. As I mentioned, I spoke Belarusian, which is also a Slavic language, and they seemed at least close enough that I was able to get the gist of Slovak in written form. So I tried to ask people in broken Englo-Belarusian where our bus stop was. I don’t know how much of what I said was actually understood, but one woman finally gestured to us to follow her. It appeared that our bus stop was on the other side of a road under the bridge. There was no way we would have been able to find it on that particularly crazy intersection without any help. The adventures continued when we got on the bus. It was making many stops in rural areas, and it was hard to figure out where exactly we needed to get off. I tried to speak to one of the passengers again, mixing English, Belarusian and gestures. Luckily, the woman I spoke to was just as nice as the one at the bus stop. She explained that our stop was two stops after she gets off, and that we then we needed to walk for about ten minutes. Or at least that was how I interpreted it. After getting some kind of clarity, I turned to my friend and told her where I thought our stop was. She looked at me, puzzled. I wasn’t sure why, so I repeated it again. She still seemed perplexed. I thought maybe my explanation wasn't logical or that I was might have been missing something. For a moment, I even thought that my friend understood everything from that woman better than I had, and that it was me who was stupid and got it wrong. I tried to explain it in different words, as I started losing my confidence. My friend’s eyes only became wider. Other passengers in the bus were staring at us. I got nervous, still not knowing what was going on, until she said: “Tatsiana, I don’t understand Russian.” The burst of laughter shook the bus. No, the locals didn’t get the joke, but the two of us were laughing all the way to the castle. Apparently, my brain switched between the two languages, but picked the wrong one to talk to my friend. Instead of speaking English, it switched to my native Russian. You see how close we became after traveling together – my unconscious confused her with someone I grew up with! Learning to listen without words I think the moral of this story is that we need to pay more attention to the people around us. How can you understand anyone when the only information you get from them are spoken words? We seem to communicate better with our phones than with our partner. How many times do we respond without even looking at the other person? How many times do our minds wander off somewhere, preventing us from being truly present with our loved ones? Text messages are so popular today that we are living virtual lives and missing out on our real ones. Sometimes, all we need to understand someone deeply is to unglue ourselves from the screen and look them in the eyes. The same applies to understanding yourself. The heart doesn’t speak in words, but if you are not paying attention to what it says, you may end your life with lots of regrets. It’s healthy and wise to connect with yourself on a regular basis to live your life fully.
The Risky Road to Connection: Why You Must Dare to Be Yourself
Human connection is to the soul as water is to our physical body – essential for our survival. It runs in our veins and drives our decisions, whether we are aware of it or not. As a species, we are wired to connect. The lack of a sense of belonging is detrimental to our mental well-being. If you don’t feed your soul, it will let you know with fears and anxieties, just like your stomach growls when it’s hungry. Total deprivation of social connection may lead to a deep depression, just like hunger leads to starvation and physical decline. Think of a prison. It’s been designed since ancient times to be one of the harshest forms of punishment. The worst part of it is not physical pain. It's social isolation. The Risky Road to Connection: Why You Must Dare to Be Yourself In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest. - Henry Miller German social psychologist and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, best known for his book The Art of Loving, outlines the two ways human beings try to overcome the "unbearable state of powerlessness and aloneness” that's built in to us by nature. Reading several of his books helped me recognize and explain my own patterns of behavior and emotion that I was going through in different periods of life, and to justify and feel stronger about my newfound way of being and interacting with others. The "safe" road of pleasing others One of the ways we try to overcome our sense of loneliness is by what Fromm calls the "surrender of individuality," where we seek to eliminate the gap we feel between our own selves and the world around us. In other words, we try to please others at the expense of our own needs and desires. On the surface, this seems to be a safer road because we think that others are more likely to accept us if we do what they expect of us. Yet in the end, this way can never succeed in making us feel one with the world, because it starts from a place of denial, where we try to suppress the fundamental separateness of us as individuals. In trying to escape from the insufferable situation of our solitude, we end up surrendering the integrity of our individual selves. This can never lead to happiness and positive freedom. It might assuage an unbearable anxiety, but it does nothing to resolve the underlying problem. The risky adventure of being yourself Fromm says that we can only fully connect with the world when we arrive at a sense of positive freedom, where we can relate spontaneously to the world through the full and genuine expression of our "emotional, sensuous and intellectual capacities." We become one again with nature, each other, and ourselves, without giving up the independence of our individual selves. But to get there, we need to take the risk of exposing our essence in front of the roaring crowds. It is much easier to hide behind the mask. You have to have the guts to speak up for what you believe in. It's hard. Many of us continue to question our own values, and it takes time to build confidence. The key is to find that balance between providing a great value to community and not losing your own personality in the process. How I stopped living for others and found my freedom I used to be one of those people-pleasers. I must admit I was pretty good at it too, until I got tired, worn out, and found myself getting easily irritated, while hiding it all by bottling up my resentment. When inner despair was not enough, my body decided to break down. I was having fevers without any symptoms of cold or infection. My doctor told me I was faking it. I didn’t know humans had the power to control the temperature of our bodies -- but the doctor was at least right in one respect. I was faking something. I was faking my own happiness in order to please everybody around me. I was sacrificing myself to make their lives a paradise. It took some rude awakenings, and I traversed a difficult period where I was forced to face my demons head on, and to learn to heal myself. Over time, I gained my confidence back, after I learned to listen to that inner voice and to follow its advice instead of trying to meet all the expectations of others. When I finally accepted and connected all the parts of my being, my vision cleared. Looking back, I can say that despite the purest intentions, I had taken the wrong road. I was lying to myself and others and believed my own lies. I was an obedient child and diligent student who was raised to be empathetic and considerate of others. Submission was something I was used to. The last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint anybody. The benefits were great – I was adored, admired and praised for it. People were attracted to my looks and achievements. I "had it all," but I felt empty inside. I surrendered my inner happiness to others, and realized that they were too busy caring about their own. I believed I had a good life, until I finally got a taste of a happy life. The "safe" road to nowhere, or the risky road to well-being You can take a “safe” road to try to connect with others. You will be accepted by most people, but don’t expect to be accepted by all. You will be rarely judged, and rarely cared for. People will love what you do, as long as it benefits them. The more recognition you'll want, the more control over your life you'll need to give to others. Or you can choose to take the risk of being yourself. You will get more pressure from peers. You may feel lonely and misunderstood at times. If you don’t fit into the box of social “standards,” you will be judged by many and accepted by few. This is a more challenging route to take, because it jeopardizes the instinct to connect with others. But in the long run, it will be the most rewarding, because it’s the only way to truly connect with yourself. Switching roads may mean losing some friends and giving up old relationships. It will also mean finding new relationships, which will be more genuine and satisfying, and most importantly – finding yourself. Choose your road Safe road of pleasing others Risky adventure of being yourself The way you look Society sets the standards of beauty for you. If you are not sure what they are, watch the commercials and find them in magazines. You are supposed to have photoshop-flawless skin. Wrinkles and blemishes are not allowed. Your body is an object of sexual attraction. It better be slim with your stomach flat even when you sit. You are not worthy of attention unless you look like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. Stop believing that you have to suffer in order to be beautiful. You have to work on it, yes, in unison with nature, to preserve what it’s given to you, but not against it. There are many shapes and forms of beauty. You are beautiful the way you are. Healthy is gorgeous. Your body is a temple where your spirit resides. Treat it gently and with care. A smile makes you prettier than lipstick. Happiness is the best beautifier. It’s better to have wrinkles on your face than in your soul. Things you possess Your possessions define your image. Fashion tells you what to wear. Status dictates you what car to drive and what house to buy. Your personality defines who you are. You can wear whatever you like, whatever you find comfortable and whatever pleases your taste. You are happy with or without any of your possessions. What you do You are only supposed to do what makes the most money. Your worth will be defined as your net worth. Do what makes you happy. Do what brings you joy. Whatever you do, do it with love and passion. What you say/how you express yourself Small talk and flattery is what will get you there on a way to success. Nobody is interested in your story. Your problems are your own. Don’t talk about your achievements either, others will get jealous and will hate you. Don’t voice your opinion. Don’t ask for anything. Share your story. Say how you feel. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Express yourself without fear of being ridiculed or judged. Enjoy the pleasure of being heard, understood and cared for. How you choose friends Hang out only with those who can provide some benefits for you. Whether it is connections (isn’t it what we are striving for?), money, status, possessions or anything else. Choose people who accept you the way you are and bring the best out of you. People who encourage and believe in you. Best friends are those who are there for you through good times and bad times. Surround yourself with empathetic listeners and genuine cheerleaders. Connections you get Lots of shallow acquaintances and connections that will fall apart once you stop providing benefits for them. People will need you. A few deep and rock-solid friendships that will last a lifetime. People will love you. Your values You have to inherit the values set by society: money, power, success, struggle, achievements You keep your inner values. Rather change your tribe than suppress your vibes: love, kindness, peace, joy, happiness Who you are inside Suffering from anxieties. Covering up for insecurities. Always comparing yourself with others. Putting others down in order to win and to be right. Placing a lot of effort in maintaining an image of a perfect life. Humble and confident. Building others up. Putting your energy into self-development. Being gentle and forgiving on yourself and others. Loving, caring, genuine, kind.
My Soul Awoke: How Art Healed Me, and Can Help You Too
I remember the day in March 2011 when I was told to pack my bags and get ready to leave the country in a couple of days. It is still chilly and gloomy in Belarus, the country of my origin, in March. Those last days felt charcoal dark despite my long-awaited dream coming true. I was finally moving to a brighter place, in a country with one of the most fertile environments for growing talents in the world – Philadelphia, PA, United States of America. My Soul Awoke: How Art Healed Me, and Can Help You Too It was quite a journey. I was allowed to bring only two bags of luggage. I also had to travel to St. Petersburg, Russia first, on a business trip, and from there to America. It all happened so fast and unexpectedly. There was no time for farewell parties. Literally, in a matter of two days, I filled my bags with the necessities and gave away the rest to my friends and family who showed up to say goodbye. I knew I was doing the right thing, and it gave me strength to cope with everything I was going through at that time. I was also fresh out of a long-term relationship -- divorced, with all papers finalized in February 2011, to be exact. As hard as it seemed looking back, I was following my heart after a long period of having abandoned it. Two days packing, the goodbye hugs and tears, a week in St. Pete coaching others, an 18-hour flight – and finally, I made it to sunny Philadelphia. My first year there was pretty loaded with stress. I worked 50-60-hour weeks to escape facing inner insecurities after my failed marriage. Equally stressful was the fact of being emerged in a totally different culture. The language, food, people, streets, buildings, apartments and all appliances, even the air – all was novel to a recent professional immigrant. I needed to build a new family of friends too, because I had no relatives in the USA. Everyone who knew me would describe me as a cheery, always happy girl. They were saying that I’d fit in well in this society because of my smile. Little did they know how many nights that girl cried herself to sleep. It’s all water under the bridge now, but still uneasy to talk about. These are just broad strokes of those first years of living in the USA. How did I not only survive, but manage to turn my whole life around? How did I resurrect my childlike exuberance and love for life? Where did I find the light that brightens my days and brings me my smile and colorful dreams at night? Art revived me Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. - Stella Adler I had felt a deep longing to create running through my blood from a very young age. I almost lost it while trying to be like others, and to pursue what was considered “a successful life.” Everything seemed perfect on the surface. But humans are very complicated creatures. We all have souls that need to be fed and exercised, just like our physical bodies. If we don’t care about these sacred parts of ourselves, we get sick. Mental health is not less important than physical health, and the two are interconnected. I was on the edge of depression, although materially satisfied. But I believe that we have an intrinsic ability to heal ourselves. We just need to learn to listen to our inner voice. I had been focused on being logical, responsible and rational for pretty much all of my adult life, until my heart could not stand being neglected anymore. That is when I decided to revive my old passion for the arts. I began painting again. I became a fan of art museums and festivals. Art filled my soul and breathed a new life into it. I felt reborn, and I hope that this childlike curiosity and joy that are with me now will remain forever. So how can art benefit your life, as it did mine? Art helps you reconnect with yourself Painting is a means of self-enlightenment. - John Olsen Creating art is a form of self-expression, and helps the artist reconnect with their inner self. For the observer too, experiencing the art evokes our emotions and touches different parts of our souls and minds. Those who truly appreciate art tend to be more connected to their emotional bodies and therefore more “whole.” Art relieves stress Art is the only way to run away without leaving home. - Twyla Tharp Whether you are creating it or just enjoying some great artwork, it helps you to disconnect from the everyday hustle. It focuses your mind on beauty and helps you forget all your worries. Art boosts creative thinking The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge, but imagination. - Albert Einstein Art by definition is something that is produced with imagination and creativity. Studies show that art enhances problem-solving skills. And unlike math or physics, there is no one correct answer in art, and there are no rules to creating it. Art therefore encourages creative thinking that leads to unique solutions. This form of divergent, outside-the-box thinking also stimulates the brain to grow new neurons. Art makes you feel good To be an artist is to believe in life. - Henry Moore Art increases the level of the “feel-good” neurotransmitter dopamine. But you don’t have to produce fine art to get the mood boost. When you do anything creative, like a crafty hobby, it gives you a sense of achievement, and that “I did it!” lift you get when you accomplish what you set out to do. Dopamine stimulates the creation of new neurons, which is good for learning and also prevents your brain from aging. Art feels like falling In love Art must be an expression of love or it is nothing. - Marc Chagall It was found that simply the act of viewing art gives pleasure, much like falling in love. Brain scans revealed that looking at works of art trigger a surge of dopamine into the same area of the brain that registers romantic love. Art heals Art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life. — Pablo Picasso Millions of people nowadays are dealing with chronic health conditions, among them stress, anxiety and depression. Art is used as a therapy to help patients forget about their illnesses and focus on the positive aspects of life. Art has been found to reduce stress by lowering levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Art increases empathy and tolerance The main thing is to be moved, to love, to hope, to tremble, to live. - Auguste Rodin A study of over 10,000 students found that a one-hour trip to an art museum changed the way they thought and felt. Students who visited a museum not only showed increased critical thinking skills, they also exhibited greater empathy towards how people lived in the past and expressed greater tolerance towards people different than themselves. Art inspires and helps you express yourself better I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way -- things I had no words for. - Georgia O'Keeffe Owning artwork is about more than just decoration; it inspires us to look at the world in a different way. Art can inspire thoughts and questions, engaging the viewer to think and learn about the subject matter. Your favorite art is also an expression of yourself and your individual personality. Putting art in your home or office thus humanizes the space you're in. Art gives it character and warmth, transforming any room into a livable, and more inspiring, environment.