Emotional Health

Emotions don’t fit into cookie-cutter templates. There’s a reason many parts of emotional life find their expression in forms of art, poetry, film, or music, that taps into an energy, and a feeling, beyond words. Rather than words or labels, emotions are often a mixture of all shades of color, co-existing, creating their own subset of feeling, existing in a moment, only to disappear, with the clear canvas of awareness remaining in the background.Despite this, a core element of emotional intelligence and self-awareness is the ability to identify, and label, basic emotions. It can be surprisingly difficult to accurately say “I’m sad” or “I’m angry” or “I’m jealous.” Learning the language of emotions, and then translating that language into words, is a skill in itself.Psychologists use the term affect labeling. Increasing amounts of research demonstrates the benefit of affect labeling in emotional regulation, allowing us to become more intimate with the complex emotions within. Affect labeling is a skill and a way to comprehend and connect to emotion. But, sometimes, intellectualizing emotions is a way to avoid actually feeling them, by transferring them to the mind.Let's call this unaffect labeling. Unaffect labeling is a potential trap, particularly with people with high levels of self-awareness, or sharp minds. Read on to find out more.Talking it out(Getty)Being able to talk through emotions, thoughts, and feelings is healing. Anyone who has turned to a friend or loved one during hardship, who has listened, and “held space,” will know the feeling. Talking things through is transformative. It’s as if the energy of emotions, in transferring them from body to mind, frees them up. When, then, does intellectualizing emotions become a problem?Giving the intellect a problem to solveThe Western world is top-heavy. We’ve got an abundance of clever people who have well-nourished, overactive intellectual qualities, with less connection to instincts, intuition, or feeling. As the saying goes, feelings are there to be felt. Even though feeling the feels, and processing emotionally, always leave you better off than where you began, it can be challenging to connect to emotions for all sorts of reasons.Perhaps you feel you shouldn’t experience a certain emotion, that you’re too sensitive, or that the reason you’re upset isn’t valid. Perhaps sadness during a time of positive change, or jealousy for someone you care for deeply, doesn’t correlate to who you wish to be as a person. So, you judge the emotion with the mind. And in judging it, you suppress.The intellect has been pedestalled and elevated as the ultimate indicator of intelligence, wisdom, and human evolution. I personally see humanity at the peak of the cycle of development, with the intellect, the most recent development, reaching its peak. Soon, the challenge will be to re-harmonize and rebalance the intellect with the heart, the body, and the soul.Part of the pedestalling of the intellect (and accompanying practices such as reason and logic) is forgetting the intellect is part of a wider system. It has a role to play, but it’s not an emperor or tyrant of the inner life. Spiritual traditions have been reminding us of this for thousands of years. Many virtues don’t come from the mind or reason or logic, they are embedded in the heart and come through the act of compassion or care.(Getty)When moving toward greater wholeness on the path of growth, the intellect finds its place, in harmony with the emotional and spiritual forces that reside within. The intellect can be an ally, as it is with talking therapy or affect labeling. Or it can be an enemy, or if that word is too strong, in opposition to feeling what is there to be felt.Intellectualizing emotions, then, is the process of giving emotions to the mind by articulating the emotion — the why and what, the potential causes, the related thoughts and cognition — rather than just feeling it. The irony with intellectualizing emotion is that it’s usually done by people with high levels of self-awareness. The ability to find the words actually allows people to outsource the need to process in an embodied way, instead, theorizing or cognizing.Finding the balanceThis is not always a good thing. Often one's first instinct, when feeling upset, is to immediately hand the problem over to their mind. What does the mind do? It likes to analyze, to problem solve, to dissect, to comprehend. Returning to the watercolor metaphor, it’s the equivalent of looking at an exquisite work of art, one that moves you to the core, through something ineffable… and immediately becoming an art critic, putting into words just why this form evokes what it evokes.There's a time and a place, but when imbalanced, intellectualizing moves you further away from feeling. Distancing is a skill. You want to avoid being at the whim of your emotions, always acting on impulse. Distancing is useful when you want to avoid being irrational or reactive, or want to make sense before taking next steps. But intellectualizing too soon, premature distancing, if you like, actually stops you from feeling, becoming its own form of suppression.There’s a sweet spot to be found, largely through trial and error. But as a general rule of thumb, always keep in mind the question: what am I afraid to feel? Or, what am I being asked to feel, at this moment? This will open you up to a whole watercolor landscape or sensitivity, illogic, and paradox. That’s okay. A lot of our emotional life relates to the inner child, anyway, all it asks is to be honored.(Getty)How to connect to feelingIntellectualizing emotions comes in many, many forms. When I’m not allowing myself to feel anger during a conflict, my mind will present thousands of ways I can win an argument, from picking holes in what someone else says, to witty one-liners, to replaying the argument again and again. When I’m not allowing myself to feel sadness, I’ll go into analysis paralysis, exploring all the reasons why I’m sad, coming up with detailed solutions-based outcomes, or trying to coach my way through.Danish playwright Henrik Ibsen is famous for saying “a picture is worth a thousand words,” to describe how a single image can convey a much deeper meaning than language alone. When it comes to the inner world, a feeling is worth 10,000 words. The moment I connect to anger, or sadness, and truly feel it, words dissolve, and through the process, I see that those words were just misplaced emotional energy, expressed in a different form.The messy first draft of thoughts is well over the word count, and more often than not, the only words I need are “I’m sad,” or “I’m angry.” Returning to the simple truth of feeling, without making it overly complex, saves a lot of time and energy. It’s the difference between affect labeling and unaffect labeling. To round up this difference, below are a number of pointers that work for me:1. Begin with affect labelingThere’s no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Affect labeling, or in non-psychological terms, labeling your emotions, has many benefits. Consider where you’re at — do you find it easy to understand what you’re feeling? Can you identify and label emotions as they arise? Healthy examples include journaling about your emotions, or having open-hearted, vulnerable discussions where you attempt to explain what’s going on in your inner world.(Getty)2. Look out for analysis paralysis or over-explanationAlways keep in mind that emotional regulation requires collaboration between feelings and the intellect. Again, balance is unique to you, and a matter of trial and error. But you can identify if you’re intellectualizing emotions by being aware of your patterns and tendencies. Do you jump into problem-solving mode, rather than just feel the emotional impact of life’s ups and downs? Do you get stuck in rumination or overanalyzing your emotional life?3. Observe without judgmentMindfulness is all about observing your experience, which includes the sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts, or mental images that arise, with non-judgment. Observation, or awareness, is crucial to avoid getting trapped in intellectualizing emotions, because you’ll be able to detect when this is the case. Ultimately, it’s a way to distract from, or avoid, feeling the feels.Through observing, pay close attention to the emotion in the body. If you find yourself overexplaining or analyzing, pause. Ask yourself: what emotion is energizing this? See what response you get in your body. This is a common process in somatic counseling, which fuses mindfulness with other forms of talking therapies. Become curious toward what emotions feel like in the body.Where in the body is the feeling located? Do you have similar thoughts when you experience the emotion? Does it move? If so, from where, to where? How? How does it affect your breathing? What are the individual sensations making up the greater whole?4. Practice sitting with physical discomfort(Getty)Why do we outsource feelings to the mind? Because often, it’s more comfortable to play with ideas and thoughts, or work through storylines or assumptions, than connect to the base-level feeling. Another practice encouraged by meditation and mindfulness is the ability to tolerate discomfort. The more you develop a capacity to “sit with” anger, or sadness, the more you’ll avoid moving that energy upward, towards the mind.Usually internalized from childhood, where you might have felt unallowed to feel certain emotions. Being reactive, saying things you later regret, or suppressing painful emotions, all comes from the same desire to avoid discomfort. Building tolerance to discomfort allows you to realize the fear of feeling is illusory, that the emotional landscape represents the occasional storm that, once expressed, makes room for clear skies.5. Find the truth behind the energy of emotionAll emotions come from an essential form of energy, and like all laws fundamental to the universe, energy just wants to move, to be expressed. As spiritual traditions have taught, it’s our resistance to this energy that causes our greatest suffering, not the energy itself. To conclude, let's turn to the words of Osho, a teacher who eloquently translated the language of emotions. His description of anger encapsulates this process:“I don’t say anger is wrong, I say anger is energy — pure energy, beautiful energy. When anger arises, be aware of it, and see the miracle happen. When anger arises, be aware of it, and if you are aware you will be surprised; you are in for a surprise — maybe the greatest surprise of your life — that as you become aware, anger disappears. Anger is transformed. Anger becomes pure energy; anger becomes compassion, anger becomes forgiveness, anger becomes love. And you need not repress, so you are not burdened by some poison. And you are not being angry, so you are not hurting anybody.”

Everyone has overreacted at some point in their lives. It’s part of being human. However, if extreme negative reactions become your norm, there may be something deeper going on, namely emotional dysregulation. Whether brought on by extreme stress or as the result of childhood trauma, emotional dysregulation can affect your quality of life and your relationships.Here’s what you need to know about emotional dysregulation, including the key warning signs and when to get help. What Exactly Is Emotional Dysregulation?According to the American Psychological Association, dysregulation is defined as “any excessive or otherwise poorly managed mechanism or response.” When it comes to emotional dysregulation specifically, this might look like not being able to calm down, acting with aggression, being passive-aggressive, creating conflict, avoiding tough emotions (i.e. shutting down), behaving impulsively when emotions get out of control or ruminating on negative thoughts.Essentially, when you’re emotionally dysregulated you lack the coping skills to react rationally. You might feel confused or overwhelmed by your feelings to the point that you can’t manage your behavior, take care of yourself or make decisions. (Getty)Emotional dysregulation is a spectrum: Some people may become dysregulated after experiencing a prolonged period of stress when they’re feeling like they’re at the end of their rope. The “straw that broke the camel’s back” metaphor may come to mind here: When emotionally dysregulated, adults may act like toddlers, having a tantrum over something seemingly trivial. Others may have cultivated extreme emotional dysregulation as a result of childhood trauma and their outbursts are more habitual, or even their norm. In these cases, these people may become diagnosed with a mental health disorder. Where does emotional dysregulation come from?Psychologists often point to reactive attachment disorder as a root cause of emotional dysregulation. When children suffer from abuse or neglect in childhood, they don’t form healthy attachments nor do they learn now to properly regulate their emotions. Typically, parents who struggle with emotional dysregulation won’t be able to teach their own children healthy coping skills, causing the next generation of emotionally dysregulated adults. What Are the Signs of Emotional Dysregulation?The following outlines three of the most common signs of emotional dysregulation: High levels of anxiety or depressionPeople who are emotionally dysregulated may also deal with anxiety or depression, with one issue influencing (and exacerbating) the other. They may feel strong levels of shame or anger (toward themselves or others) as well. Finally, even they may have difficulty sleeping or always feel exhausted. Self-harm or self-sabotaging behaviorsAnother sign of emotional dysregulation is relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. When someone is not able to properly cope with their emotions and regulate themselves, they might turn to substances like drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. They might also binge eat or control their eating as a way to feel less out of control emotionally. In extreme cases, they may also have suicidal thoughts or attempt suicide. Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships(Getty)It’s challenging to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally dysregulated. They may be prone to outbursts or even become verbally abusive. An emotionally dysregulated person may hide their emotions or have a hard time having a vulnerable or revealing conversation. They may also hold grudges or blow minor conflicts up into huge blowouts, which can ruin their relationships. What Should You Do if You’re Feeling Emotionally Dysregulated?If you feel like you’re not dealing with your emotions in a healthy way, there are many avenues for getting help and learning how to regulate your emotions. Here are some options you can try:Find a therapist who’s trained in cognitive behavioral therapy Even if you think you’re not the therapy type, nearly everyone can benefit from talking to a mental health professional. This is especially so if you think you’re emotionally dysregulated. Typically, those who suffer from emotional dysregulation benefit from working with someone trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy, a type of therapy that combines talk therapy with changing habits and learning strategies like mindfulness and acceptance. A therapist can work with you to modify your behavior and build new practices to help you regulate your emotions. Practice skills that lead to emotional regulationWith or without the help of a therapist, you can start practicing emotional regulation, building new neural pathways in your brain so you can change the way you currently react. First, you can try noticing your feelings and trying to name them as they come up, which can increase the time between a stressful or challenging situation and your response. You can also work on mindfulness, either controlling your breathing or becoming aware of your body in other ways to help you stay rooted in the moment without getting lost in the storm of your feelings. Finally, you might try affirmations and gratitude journaling to build your relationship with yourself and help you to focus on the positive. Maintain a healthy lifestyle Implementing a strong self care routine can help improve emotional regulation. Eating healthy food, making time for exercise and getting enough sleep can support both your physical and mental health. When you feel good physically, you often feel good mentally as well. (Getty)Consider antidepressants Work with a therapist and a psychiatrist if you are worried about your emotional dysregulation and feel like the aforementioned coping strategies aren’t enough for you. Sometimes, a chemical imbalance is the root cause of emotional dysregulation and the right medication can help ease the symptoms. Rule out underlying conditionsConsider talking to your doctor if you’re concerned that you might have a physical illness that could be affecting your mood. Getting the necessary blood tests and check-ups that your doctor recommends is a good way to rule out any underlying conditions that could be causing issues mentally. When Should You Get Support? If your reactions to everyday stressful situations are causing issues in your life, it may be time to seek additional support. Talk to someone you trust—a partner, friend or family member—about your feelings and to get some validation. This person may be able to help you realize that you need more support in regulating your emotions. Then, find a local therapist (or one online) who you can speak with to help you develop healthier coping mechanisms.Emotional dysregulation can get worse over time if left untreated, as your neural pathways become more familiar with outsized or extreme reactions to challenging situations. Working on regulation skills ASAP can help you change these ingrained patterns and help you develop healthier ways of expressing—and accepting—your emotions.

Our thoughts create our reality. This is especially important to keep in mind when examining how we think about ourselves. At its best, our inner monologue can empower us to make great strides in areas of our lives we care deeply about. Encouraging ourselves that we're going to get that promotion, getting excited about a first date or thinking positively about the day ahead overall can shift our mindset and even our outcome in certain scenarios.Conversely, having a harsh self-critic can skew situations negatively. Thinking you're not good enough to land a new job will likely impact your performance during a job interview. Telling yourself you're not worthy of dating a quality person can cause you to self-sabotage on a first date. Waking up in the morning thinking you won't be able to complete the day's work successfully, that your boss hates you and that your coworkers don't think you're competent are all thoughts that will fill your day with negativity.Bottom line: Managing the self-critic in you is important for a fulfilling life. It's perfectly natural to have the occasional doubts about yourself or examine yourself critically from time to time. However, the key is to manage these thoughts and channel them into positive change – not dwell on them or accept them as truth.In this article, we'll explore what self-criticism is, reasons why we self-criticize and how to manage your self-critic.What Is the Self-Critic?(Getty)The self-critic has been examined by psychologists and scientists alike. Acclaimed psychologist Sigmund Freud referred to the self-critic as the superego, is formed during the process of internalizing external views of ourselves. Freud noted that this process starts in childhood, where we internalize our parent's thoughts about ourselves and believe them as truth. As we grow into adulthood, societal norms and expectations also shape our self-critic, particularly in areas where we fall short of our peers.Our self-critic has also been examined from a more scientific lens. Constantly looking for threats in our environment, similar to the way our self-critic looks for reasons why we might fail, was thought to be a survival skill. Author Shirzad Chamine examines this in his book, Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours. In addition to our hypervigilant self-critic being on the lookout for potential threats, Chamine also says this is why our parent's views about ourselves shape our self-critic. As children, we rely on our parents to survive. Because of this, we follow them blindly, accepting their criticisms instead of examining whether or not they're true. The belief that our parents are right about everything, including their perceptions of us and our shortcomings, can manifest as a harsh self-critic in adulthood. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) also examines ways to manage the self-critic. Known in CBT by the self-critic's output, automatic negative thoughts, this type of therapy works to identify the core beliefs that shape us, then challenge these thoughts with facts to dismantle these beliefs. For example, when a therapist is working with someone who believes they are a failure, the mental health professional may ask questions and look for instances that disprove the theory, based on the person's life experiences.Tips for Managing Your Self-CriticNow that you understand what your self-critic is and how it's formed, lets explore ways to manage your inner monologue and negative self-thoughts. 1. Take an evidence-based approachSimilar to the way therapists work with clients in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, examining the evidence of the thoughts we have about ourselves can be a powerful tool for managing our self-critic. It's easy to believe negative thoughts about ourselves that our self-critic brings up, especially when they've been engrained in us since childhood. However, examining the thoughts we have about ourselves from both sides can help prove our self-critic wrong. (Getty)For example, say you're leading a meeting with coworkers for the first time, and your self-critic tells you that you'll fail. Take a moment to list out factual statements of why you might fail in that situation. Next, make a list of facts that show you won't fail. While there may be facts on both sides of the list, having evidence on both sides of the scenario proves that your self-critic isn't 100% accurate.2. Keep a journal of your thoughtsOne challenge of managing the self-critic is that we spend so much of our time listening to our inner monologue. Because of this, the negative thoughts we have about ourselves can become so routine, we may not even notice how often we think poorly of ourselves, put ourselves down and talk ourselves out of doing something we truly enjoy just because we're afraid to fail.One way to start managing the self-critic is to keep track of the negative thoughts we have throughout the day. This can be done through journaling, or even by taking a moment to pause and recognize a negative thought when we have it. The more aware you are of the negative perceptions you have about yourself, the easier it will be to pause when these thoughts come up.3. Shift your thoughtsStopping your self-critic from continuing to dismantle your self-image once a negative thought comes up is easier said than done. One powerful tool for shifting gears can be taking yourself out of the environment you're in and doing something that makes you feel present and doesn't allow your mind to ruminate on the negative thought. For example, taking a walk outside and examining your surroundings can pull you pack into the present and keep you from getting deeper into negative thoughts. (Getty)Or calling a friend and talking about a different subject can shift the focus onto something positive. Plus, speaking with someone who enjoys your company and values you as a friend helps you see yourself in a more positive light. 4. Swap negative thoughts with real thoughtsIt's unrealistic to think that you can manage your inner self-critic by simply swapping a positive thought in place of a negative one. However, taking a negative thought and reframing it into something real and evidence based can start to positively shift your inner monologue. For example, instead of forgetting a friend's birthday and saying, "I'm a terrible friend," rephrase that to say, "I try my best to be a good friend but sometimes I'm forgetful." Making a small edit to a negative thought can go a long way in managing your self-critic. 5. Approach your thoughts as you would a friend'sOf all the thoughts we have about people, the ones our self-critic holds about ourselves are often the harshest. Because of this, sometimes it can help to examine the negative self-thoughts we have about ourselves as if a friend was having them. If a friend came to you and said, "I feel like I can't do anything right, I'll never amount to anything," it's doubtful you'd agree with that thought. Take the advice and compassion you'd offer to a friend who felt this way about themselves and offer it to yourself when your self-critic brings them up. Self-Criticism SummaryThough it may not always feel true, we are in control of our self-critic. The thoughts we have about ourselves are our own. While it's natural and healthy to look for ways to improve ourselves, it's important to remember and celebrate all of our positive qualities and attributes, and to work towards self-acceptance. Pay attention to negative self-thoughts when they come up, examine what facts are true about these thoughts and work on processing the thought and moving on from it rather than ruminating on it. It can take time to learn how to manage your self-critic, but it's worth doing.