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Dating

101 Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend

How well do you know your partner? We don't just mean their favorite color or movie, but really know them. Beyond daily habits and favorite things, have you ever asked the deep questions? Or serious questions that truly matter? Their likes, dislikes, trauma, regrets, passions, dreams and greatest desires. RELATED: Do the 36 Questions That Lead to Love Really Work? These are not meant to undermine your relationship. An honest discussion will benefit you in many ways: Build deeper trust and understanding to get through not only the good times, but also the bad ones. It's a fun (even if it can get heavy sometimes) way to strengthen your bond. It allows you to be vulnerable and learn more about yourself. It encourages active and emphatic listening, which tends to reveal a lot about your partner's character and values. Overall, it's a great opportunity to learn more about your partner, their past, and visions for the future. Asking the right question at the right time can help us realize breakthroughs in many important areas of life, from finding out what we want to do with our life to improving personal relationships. How well do you know your partner? Discover Deeper Connection with Your Partner! Uncover the Secrets of Love and Intimacy with this Couples Card Game Communication will bring understanding and understanding will cause harmonious mutual relationships which can establish peace and stability. – Lobsang Tenzin The Power of Deep Questions in Every Relationship RELATED: How Soon Is Too Soon to Move In? The 5 Most Important Questions to Answer Understanding is the gateway to compassion and love, and questions allow us to obtain that necessary level of understanding, helping us learn why our partner behaves or thinks a certain way. Looking for meaningful questions to deepen your relationship? Here are 101 conversation starters to help you and your partner connect on a more intimate level. Couples Should Have Deeper Conversation about Life1. What’s something you’re glad you’ll never have to do again? When it comes to getting to know your partner on a more meaningful level, it really helps to build an understanding of any experiences they’d like to avoid — and why. Knowing the answers to these questions can be stress-relieving, or help to circumvent awkward situations, as well as cultivate empathy and a deeper understanding of their character. 2. What’s one thing you always procrastinate on?3. What would you do with your life if you were suddenly awarded a billion dollars? While winning a billion dollars is highly unlikely, anything is possible. What this question really reveals is more than their dream vacation, or how they would spend almost unlimited wealth. It reveals where your partner’s priorities lie when the usual obstacles and impediments are removed, and what their biggest dreams will be — the ones they’d like to pursue in their heart of hearts. 4. What should a healthy relationship provide for the people in it? Relationship questions like this one are rather crucial to your expectations and theirs, and can be very helpful in determining whether your relationship needs and goals are aligned or not. If they’re not, you may find there is common ground enough to come together anyway — but knowing comes first. 5. Do you believe everything happens for a reason, or do we just find reasons after things happen?6. Is there anything you consider absolutely unforgivable? If your partner has a deal-breaker associated with unforgivable acts, it doesn’t hurt to know what it is so you can be sure that it doesn’t conflict with any of your unforgivable end zones. Plus, if you disagree on what’s forgivable, that’s worth discussing. 7. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first?8. In your life, what has been the biggest blessing in disguise? This is a great way to understand how your partner’s mind works — how they put things in perspective for themselves, and how they process ‘positive’ vs ‘negative’ forces in their lives. 9. If you could pick one year of your life to do-over, which would it be and why? 10. What is one behavior that you never tolerate? Your partner may not tolerate clutter or messiness in their home, or they may not like the idea of having friends over late into the night. It's worth comparing and contrasting which behaviors you find acceptable and which you can’t stand. How else will you know if you’re well-aligned? 11. If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only three words?12. What is the one thing that makes you feel alive? Whether it’s mountain climbing, skydiving, performing in front of an audience, traveling to new places, or simply being creative on a regular basis, it’s worth knowing what gets your partner’s juices flowing. Because arguably, feeling alive is everything! 13. What would your perfect day look like? Not only can this question help you plan the perfect surprise birthday itinerary, but it can teach you a ton about how your partner likes to unwind and have fun — always useful information! 14. Do you usually follow your head or your heart when making decisions? Contrary to surface-level understandings, "heart people" can be highly compatible with "head people," even helping to balance one another out, so don’t worry about their answer being different than yours, or being overly emotional compared to them. Also, don’t get stuck on black-or-white answers, as these things never are. 15. What is something that never ends well? It prompts discussion about experiences or situations that consistently have negative outcomes. It can reveal patterns to avoid, and potentially add some humor about mistakes to avoid. 16. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?Romantic Questions: Thinking about Your Relationship These are not just random questions to ask your boyfriend or partner. In real life, knowing how they want to spend date night, what the most attractive quality they find in others is, or what their favorite romantic movie is can seem like a silly thing to want to know at first. RELATED: 3 Ways to Beat Relationship Boredom However, they are also interesting questions that reveal much about compatibility, and the sort of romantic things and experiences they want in their lives. 1. What did you think when you first met me? If you haven’t discussed your first impressions of one another, there’s really no time like the present. The answer to this question might be amusing; it might also be romantic. One thing's for sure, it’ll give you an insider's view on the path your partner traveled to choosing you. 2. What about our relationship makes you really happy? Best case scenario: you gain a deeper understanding of what your partner appreciates about you, which can serve as a wonderful anchor in your relationship. Not to mention, regularly communicating what you appreciate about one another is the stuff of strong relationships. 3. If you had one word to describe our relationship what would it be?4. What’s your biggest fear for this relationship? Relationship anxiety is extraordinarily common, but there’s no antidote to this particular brand of fear like talking it through with an empathetic partner. Relationship fear is often based on past experiences, and once they’re out in the open, they have a greater chance of dissipating. 5. What’s one difference between us that you absolutely love? They say opposites attract, and while this is certainly not always the case, having palpable differences is often a source of interest, intrigue and attraction between partners. Why not get some positive feedback on being yourself? 6. What’s one similarity between us that you absolutely love?7. What about me (outside of a physical feature) made you fall in love? If you’re in love, and the feeling is mutual, this is a question that can only feed your mutual affection and appreciation for one another — so don’t be afraid to ask. 8. What’s your favorite memory of us? It's a reflective question that opens up emotional connection and at the same time helps you understand what your partner values most about your relationship. 9. What’s one thing you want to do together that we’ve never done before? This question is perfectly suited to laying sprawled out in a field of flowers, visioning for the long-term with your significant other. It’s really healthy to want to share certain experiences (be it singing a duet at an open mic, entering a marathon, or buying real estate). And it’s even healthier to express it! 10. Where is your favorite place to be with me?11. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask me, but really want to know the answer to? These types of boyfriend questions are important: If your partner actually has an answer to this one, chances are you’ll want to ask the question. Better to get everything out in the open sooner than later. It may end up being an opportunity to hear the hardest truth, but one that strengthens the relationship over the long term. 12. What’s one thing you feel our relationship is lacking? It's a constructive but honest question. Feel free to ask it only when you are both ready for feedback so you can identify unmet needs or areas for growth. 13. What’s your favorite non-physical quality about me? Attraction is often based at least in part on physical traits, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. But if your relationship is a strong one, there is surely more to your bond than looks. Hearing all the other things that fuel your partner’s attraction can be really refreshing, enlightening, even. 14. If our relationship ended, what’s the one thing about it you’d miss the most?15. What do you think was your most vulnerable moment in our relationship? Staying honest (and therefore vulnerable) is integral to any successful relationship. What better way to achieve this than to talk about moments of authentic vulnerability without judgment? 16. What’s one secret you’ve wanted to tell me, but haven’t?17. What’s your favorite way to receive affection? Different people have different love languages, from physical touch, to words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. There’s no better way to give and receive affection than by speaking each other’s language. 18. What’s one thing you think makes our relationship unique from everyone else’s?19. If you could change one thing about our relationship what would it be? It might seem counterintuitive to invite conversation based on the assumption that your partner would, in fact, change something about your relationship, but sometimes, it’s questions like these that make someone feel comfortable enough to raise an issue that's been on their mind. 20. What do you think is your biggest strength in this relationship?21. What’s one thing about your life you would never change for someone else, including me? While the tone of this question may seem a tad negative at first glance, identifying your partner’s non-negotiable traits, habits or attachments can go a long way toward helping you understand what’s most important to them in life. 22. What about us do you think works well together? How do we balance each other out?23. What does love mean to you?24. What do I mean to you? This question is makes both parties vulnerable, so it's natural to want to shy away from it. But at a certain point in your relationship (you’ll know what point — it’s different for everyone), hot and heavy questions like this one are fair — and, hell, they can be extremely romantic too. 25. What was your first impression of me?26. What’s the most romantic movie you’ve ever seen?27. Do you believe in love at first sight?Fun Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend, Boyfriend or Partner Not everything has to be so serious! Sometimes the best relationship advice is to be silly and enjoy cute questions about crazy things. RELATED: The 60 Best Secret Crush Quotes to Help You Thirst in Style Funny questions can sometimes lead to a really good conversation that you guys will be really glad you had. 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?3. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose? Although questions like these have a bit of a party-trick vibe, they can also be very revealing of your partner’s core values. What does your partner value more: looks or lucidity? While answers should be taken with a grain of salt, you can learn lots from the inevitable explanations that accompany such answers. 4. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? (If their sense of humor is dark like yours)5. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be? Many of us fantasize about possessing certain "superpowers" or abilities. This is a fun question to ask, but it can also teach you lots about your partner’s deepest wishes (be it to fly above it all, turn invisible on whim, or set fire to things spontaneously) — so ask, ask away! 6. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?7. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? In the spirit of bringing the best out of one another, this question can help you plan a future in which you do just that. Why not encourage your partner to follow their dreams and talk through it with them if they get stuck? 8. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?9. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. Think of your most embarrassing moments as a treasure trove of a) good stories, b) hard lessons learned, and c) personal growth signposts. Sharing these with your partner will very likely bring you closer. After all, any partner worth their salt wants to know the real you — not the airbrushed version. 10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?11. What’s your favorite karaoke song?12. What is your go-to Halloween costume?13. Who is your big celebrity crush?Questions to Ask Your Partner about the Future1. Where do you see yourself in five years? If your partner hasn’t given any thought to this question, and you have (or vice versa), a discussion wouldn’t hurt. Sometimes all it takes is a little communication for two people to start creating five-year plans together. 2. How do you see our future together? Where do you see it headed? It may seem daunting, but it’s important to have ‘the talk’ with your best friend and potential lifelong mate. If your hearts and paths are aligned, there shouldn’t be much in the way of surprises. If they're not, it’s still definitely worth knowing so you can reassess. 3. What are your goals in the relationship?4. What are your thoughts on having a family? This is not a peripheral question: if you want a big family but your partner would rather limit your dependents to cats and dogs, you need to have a discussion to determine whether there’s enough flexibility to move forward. 5. Where do you see yourself living when you retire?6. What are your financial priorities and goals? Money and love may seem antithetical, but the strongest relationships are transparent on all fronts. In other words, if you couldn’t care less about money or saving for the future, but your partner is steeped in mutual funds and RRSPs (or vice versa), it may be worth talking about to avoid future conflicts or imbalances in the relationship. 7. What is on your bucket list that we can do together this year?8. What’s the one thing you want to achieve the most before you die? If your partner has a goal to end all goals — something they don’t want to leave this earth without achieving (i.e. writing a novel, or opening a café) — you may want to consider getting behind it and supporting them. Because happier people make better partners! 9. Do you have any habits you want to change? Be it quitting smoking and drinking, or curbing a bad temper, knowing your partner’s personal betterment aspirations can help you be a stronger support when they need it the most. 10. What do you most look forward to about getting old? ‘Getting old’ might not be a topic either of you naturally turn to, but talking about it can really help clarify your respective life trajectories (or at least the ones you see yourself following), as well as how your partner imagines life with you in the (distant) future. 11. What are you hoping to learn in the coming year?12. What’s the best advice you’ve ever received in your whole life? It reveals your partner's life wisdom and values, formative influences, or mentor relationships. 13. If you could see into the future, what’s one thing you want to see? Many of us would rather not look into the future and find out things that might rob us of quality of life in the present moment. Then again, your partner may have good reasons to prefer knowing how certain life aspects will unfold. You should probably hear this. 14. How do you want to be remembered?Questions to Ask Your Husband, Wife or Partner about Their Past1. When’s the last time you felt vulnerable? How did you cope?2. What have you accomplished in the past year that you are most proud of? Close as you feel to your partner, you may not actually be aware of how they judge their own achievements and what it is they take real pride in. True intimacy requires learning more about your partner’s inner world when the opportunity presents itself. 3. What were the major turning points in your life? From past trauma dating back to one's childhood, to struggles with anxiety, depression, or addiction your partner may have dealt with before knowing you, ‘turning points’ come in many forms. Learning your partner means knowing their history. 4. When’s the last time you pushed out of your comfort zone? How did it make you feel?5. What is your happiest memory? Sharing the happiest memories of our lives is a beautiful way of getting closer to our partners while opening the door to creating new happy memories together as a couple. 6. How have you changed in the past five years?7. When was the last time you cried and why? Some people cry often, and others rarely. We all have different relationships to shedding tears, and understanding your partner’s will only shed light on their emotional reality. Bonus: asking the question entails sharing a vulnerable moment, and vulnerability breeds intimacy. 8. What is an important life lesson you’ve learned?9. What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done? We don’t all have the same notions of courage, or of boldness. You can learn volumes about your partner by hearing them tell of the most daring thing they ever did, and the kind of results it manifested in their life. 10. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from past partners? Not everyone likes to discuss their previous relationships with their current partner, and indeed, there should be a limit to such discussions. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t valuable lessons to be shared. Chances are that learning about your partner’s experiences in previous serious relationships will help you to better understand their behaviors today. 11. What’s the most challenging setback you’ve ever experienced? How did you overcome it?12. If you could change one thing in history, what would it be?13. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?14. If you had to listen to just one of the songs you loved as a kid for the rest of your life, which song would it be?15. Did you have any pets growing up? Particularly if animals are important to you, and/or you plan on having pets in the future, it’s integral you get to know your partner’s attitude toward animals. 16. What is your favorite childhood memory?Heavy Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend, Boyfriend or Partner1. Do you want to have kids? If so, how many?2. When you’re having a bad day, what makes you feel better? This is the kind of question that helps you better understand how to comfort your girlfriend when she's down and just needs a reprieve from life for a minute (or a day). Whether it’s cooking a meal, cleaning the apartment, or giving her a temple massage, these are important life skills, so never underestimate them! 3. Do you consider yourself a jealous person?4. Have you ever cheated on a partner? If your girlfriend has cheated in the past, it’s worth knowing, just as it's worth knowing what led her to it, and how she feels about it in retrospect. People grow and change — they do it all the time. 5. Why did your last relationship end?6. How important is religion or spirituality in your life? Religion and/or spirituality may or may not play a significant role in your life — either way, unless the topic was at the forefront of your first meeting, your partner might have an altogether different relationship to faith. If you want to build a future together, don’t hesitate to ask her. If she’s worth being in a relationship with, she’s worth really knowing. 7. Who was your role model growing up?8. Have you ever been in an emotional or physically abusive relationship? If your partner has coped with an abuser in the past (be it an ex-partner, a parent, or anyone else) getting closer to your girlfriend likely means learning what she’s been through — to whatever extent she’s willing to share. 9. How important are looks to you?10. Do you think a relationship can come back from cheating? In a committed, monogamous relationship, no one wants a partner who strays. That said, your boyfriend might take cheating less seriously than you do — or vice versa. Put your mind at ease by addressing concerns as they arise, and with total transparency. 11. How long was your longest relationship?12. How do you see our future together: do you envision a two-income household, or a different arrangement? Whether you envision yourself as a blissfully content stay-at-home-mom, a high octane corporate executive — or both — finding out what kind of household arrangement your boyfriend imagines for his future (i.e., blissfully content stay-at-home dad) can help circumvent a lot of potential conflict in the future. 13. Have you ever struggled with addiction? While it’s true that our struggles do not define us, your boyfriend’s history with any sort of addiction is something you’re within your rights to ask about, as it may affect you too. Even if this does not represent his current reality, understanding his past struggles can help you become a lot better acquainted with the man you’re sharing your life with. 14. Have you ever been engaged or married? Becoming acquainted with the broad strokes of your boyfriend’s past romantic life can help you better understand his behaviors, interests, and hesitations in your current relationship. 15. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? You might have a very different style of communicating or relating to others than your boyfriend does. This doesn’t make you incompatible—in fact, it might even make you extra complementary. Still, it helps to address these differences so you can better understand and empathize with one another, while also being supportive of your partner even if you can’t directly relate to their difficulties. Why Are Questions in Relationships So Important? Ultimately, when it comes to building and maintaining strong relationships, communication is both king and queen! The more deeply you open up to truly getting to know one another, the sturdier your foundation will be. Nothing can shake you if your version of intimacy includes sharing your best and worst moments with compassion, acceptance, and love. Asking questions (and answering them) without reservation is a surefire way to open up the floodgates of vulnerability—by extension cultivating deeper shared emotional experiences. With additions by MJ Kelly and Maya Khamala KEEP READING: Are You in Love? These 5 Proven Signs Will Help You Know for Sure

What Is Cherophobia and Could You Possibly Suffer From It?
Mental Health

What Is Cherophobia and Could You Possibly Suffer From It?

A phobia goes way beyond simply disliking something, or feeling uncomfortable in a given situation. According to mental health experts, a phobia is an overwhelming anxiety or fear surrounding a certain place, circumstance or thing. Phobias can also center around a specific feeling, which makes those emotion-based fears a bit more intangible than others. For instance, cherophobia is the fear of being happy, and while it is not one of the most common phobias, these sorts of mental health conditions are highly relatable concepts nonetheless. Some may not be able to fathom the idea of having an irrational aversion to happiness, but people can experience all types of phobias throughout their lives. They can be common ones like a fear of spiders (arachnophobia) or heights (acrophobia), or they can be more unusual aversions like a fear of cheese (turophobia) or belly buttons (omphalophobia). And yes, that last one totally is a real thing.In fact, according to the American Psychiatric Association, eight to twelve percent of adults in the United States will experience specific phobias in a given year. Statistically, women are more likely than men to experience an anxiety disorder that leads to these fears, as well as other types of social anxiety. Medical experts classify cherophobia as an anxiety disorderHow does a fear of being happy play out in real life? Someone with cherophobia will work to actively avoid joyful moments and situations. They won’t allow themselves to go to a so-called “happy place,” either mentally or literally. If you or someone you know has a fear of being happy, you may want to know how to get rid of cherophobia, since this phobia can impact not only the relationships in your life but your overall well-being. Here’s what you should know about the fear of happiness, including who’s most likely to experience it, and how to ultimately overcome cherophobia. Understanding the cherophobia definitionAlthough cherophobia has been documented as a legitimate phobia, it’s not yet officially recognized as a clinical disorder under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. However, a number of studies have worked to define the fear of happiness and understand why it exists. One aspect that makes cherophobia hard to define is the fact that the concept of happiness itself can be difficult to put into words, at least in a universal way. Happiness can also be hard to put a definition to medically and scientifically. In fact, an entire branch of research—called positive psychology—is dedicated to understanding happiness. Happiness can mean different things to different people, after all. The happiness scaleSome use what is called the “happiness scale” to measure what is, admittedly, a subjective perspective. Sonja Lyubormiski, a Distinguished Professor and Vice Chair in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, came up with a self-evaluative measurement system. It works by having respondents answer a simple four-question survey. Questions include: One common way to describe happiness that most people can agree on is this: Happiness is the experience of having a feeling of contentment with one’s life, and the feeling of happiness is often linked to emotions like feeling fulfilled and experiencing gratitude. A fear of happiness, then, can be associated with a belief that feeling joy or contentment is not possible, or even that pursuing happiness is a frivolous pursuit. The mentality of cherophobia puts sufferers in a tough spot: They end up judging themselves for feeling joy, and woes still, they sometimes end up transferring that judgement onto other people as well. All in all that makes this phobia pretty darn isolating. It’s hard to be around someone who can’t tolerate personal happiness, or who can’t feel free expressing happiness in a normal way.Signs you might have cherophobiaIf you think you might have a happiness aversion, take stock of your actions and beliefs surrounding joy and personal satisfaction. In your day-to-day life, do you make choices that other people might not understand—and that are guaranteed to keep happiness at bay?People with cherophobia typically avoid social gatherings like birthdays, weddings and other celebrations. They may also break off relationships that make them feel content, as the sensation of being happy in love or in friendship makes them feel uncomfortable. They could also turn down significant life opportunities, like a promotion at work or a chance to travel, if the experience will bring the possibility of joy.While these behavioral symptoms of cherophobia are pretty straightforward, there are other signs of having a fear of happiness that are less obvious. These have to do with mental reasoning and subconscious beliefs. (Westend61/Getty)To experience cherophobia is to be constantly living with the belief that being happy somehow makes you a bad person. If others are suffering, why should you experience joy? This thought process not only involves a lot of projected guilt—you’d feel badly if you were happy—but this way of thinking also upholds the belief that happy people are self-involved or self-serving. Another belief is that being happy is only a precursor to being miserable. That if something wonderful happens in your life, then the universe will need to balance that out with some sort of tragedy. People with this attitude toward life are typically waiting for the other shoe to drop—not only do they fear happiness but they go through the day always imagining that something terrible is right around the corner waiting for them.Finally, people with cherophobia may also believe that it’s rude to express happiness. They see happy people’s outlooks as an affront to others and don’t want to cause upset by showing or partaking in joy. Happiness could make other people jealous or suspicious of them, which is another reason they fear getting caught up in it. People who could be more susceptible to cherophobiaHaving certain personality traits may also make a person more likely than others to have a fear of happiness. In particular there are a few key qualities identified by research that could make cherophobia thrive. Here’s how each one can increase a person’s vulnerability to this phobia:IntroversionIt should go without saying that introverts are in no way predisposed to cherophobia. However, if someone experiences some kind of traumatic event that sparks cherophobia and they happen to be introverted, their lifestyle tendencies to shy away from social gatherings and spend time by themselves can sometimes encourage the fear of happiness to grow. People who are more extroverted, on the flip side, are less likely to have a fear of being happy. This is because they are more prone to spending time gathering with others and being social inherently brings extroverts joy.PerfectionismSomeone who is always striving to be a better version of themselves may equate happiness as complacency. If you’re not constantly working toward something, then you’re basically settling—and this applies to everything in life, not just joy. For a perfectionist, if they’re happy then they don’t need to micromanage their existence anymore, which would take away their sense of self. WithdrawalIn psychology, withdrawal is defined as having a tendency toward depression and anxiety. In a 2013 study about the different connections of fear and happiness, researchers found that people who are depressed often avoid social events or activities that could bring them joy. This leads to a spiral, the study suggests, where withdrawing socially supports the idea in someone’s mind that being social will only lead to disappointment or loneliness in the end, causing more isolation or a fear of happiness during activities that are meant to be fun. AgreeablenessAnother psychology term, agreeableness, is defined as a person’s ability to put other people’s needs above their own. While thinking of others can bring joy in its own way, there is a line between serving others and forgetting oneself. When it comes to cherophobia, someone who is very agreeable has a hard time being happy in their own life because so much of their self worth is wrapped up in making sure the people around them are happy. Why a fear of happiness can be a big dealCherophobia isn’t just tough on your relationships and on your mental state, it can be detrimental for your physical health as well. Happiness hormones, especially endorphins such as serotonin and dopamine, are important for our well-being. When you don’t produce enough of these endorphins, you may develop depression, which, as mentioned above, can put you in a mental cycle that’s tough to break. But serotonin and dopamine are also critical for maintaining proper body function beyond the brain. Research also shows that happiness may have an effect on various systems within the body such as blood pressure, cardiovascular health and the immune system. There’s even the potential that a positive outlook and general sense of well-being may allow for a longer lifespan. When someone lives in fear that every positive experience will undoubtedly bring a negative one, this can cause the body to activate stress hormones, particularly cortisol. Too much cortisol in the body paves the way for chronic stress to take hold. Long-term chronic stress can lead to all sorts of physical issues, including headaches, digestive problems, heart disease, sleep issues, weight gain and lack of concentration. This is because cortisol activates your flight-or-flight response system, taking nonessential body functions offline so you can respond to a perceived threat. When that threat is happiness, you get all of the issues that come with too much cortisol running through your system and none of the perks that happiness can bring. Overcoming cherophobiaHow to treat cherophobia? The answer is to first turn within and try to identify the root cause of your fear of happiness. Cherophobia usually comes about after a significant trauma or conflict. Keeping happiness at arm’s length can be a protective measure to avoid future hurt. Understanding what happened in the past to trigger a fear of being happy can be an important first step toward overcoming this phobia and making positive life changes. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can HelpWorking with a trusted therapist, particularly someone skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy, can also be helpful for healing. Cognitive behavioral therapy centers on helping people recognize detrimental or illogical thought patterns and looking for behavioral changes to counterbalance them. Identifying the scripts running through your brain about happiness that lead to an irrational or heightened sense of fear of happiness is key. Changing the mental conversation around happiness beliefs with a professional can help you overcome your fear. Relaxation strategies like yoga, deep breathing, journaling and exercising can also be useful for combating cherophobia. These activities can help regulate cortisol by alleviating stress, as well as manage symptoms of anxiety and depression, both of which can further fuel cherophobia. Having a calmer mental state may allow for you to break free from the intrusive thoughts about happiness that cherophobia can bringFinally, it’s important to take the leap and embrace the discomfort of happiness in order to overcome this phobia. Make time in your day for small moments of happiness that can challenge your beliefs about joy without overwhelming you. Use your daily routine to find these moments. They can be simple things like smelling your morning coffee before you take the first sip or feeling the warm water on your skin when you take a shower. A mindful gratitude practice can connect you with your body, the current moment and a tangible thing you are thankful for in your life.Start small and start SteadyBuild toward experiencing happiness in a manageable setting. Maybe it’s an activity like grabbing dinner with a friend or visiting an art gallery. Seizing moments of joy and realizing that nothing bad will happen will eventually add up. As you train your brain to feel comfortable with experiencing joy again, you’ll be able to free yourself from the grip of cherophobia. You can overcome this, and make yourself a much happier person!

What Is the Easiest Language to Learn for English Speakers?
Self-Development

What Is the Easiest Language to Learn for English Speakers?

Learning a foreign language is easier today than it has ever been before. That’s thanks, at least in part, to language learning apps like Duolingo, programs like Rosetta Stone, a wealth of available language classes (both online and in person). Thanks to both the web connecting us all remotely and to the ease with which we can travel in the 21st century, there are just so many ways to approach a new language you want to learn.That said, even though this is a great time to learn a new language, let’s not pretend anything makes a new language easy to learn - it’s just easier than it was before! Language learning: Not always easy(Victor Dyomin/Getty)There’s a good reason so many school students always let out the biggest sigh of the day when the next class is foreign language: it’s just not easy for English speakers to learn a new language. But when you choose the right easiest language to learn, it need not be worth sighing over, and it is worth sticking with.And good news: you probably already have a head start when it comes to a lot of the easiest languages to learn simply by the nature of day-to-day life in America. From the constant exposure to Spanish, to the familiarity of the structure you’ll find in many Germanic languages and English, to the many cognates found in other European languages, such as Norwegian, you’re not starting at square one when you pick one of the easiest languages to learn.That said, just because a language is easy to learn does not necessarily make it the best investment of your time unless your specific use case warrants the language learning. Case in point: while Afrikaans is generally accepted as one of the easiest languages for English speakers to learn, the number of native speakers number less than 10 million. It is geographically limited in use, and according to the BBC, it may be a dying tongue, no less. So by all means choose one of the easiest languages to learn, but hedge your bets like we did in our curated list of easiest languages below.A few of the benefits of learning a foreign languageThe most obvious benefits of language learning are that it lets you communicate with more people and to enjoy the writing, movies, music, and other arts and media created in other languages in ways English speakers otherwise could not. But beyond broadened opportunities for communication and arts and literature appreciation, there are many benefits to be gained by language learning beyond your native language.When you are fluent in a foreign language (or better yet, when you can speak a few different languages at least passably) you make yourself significantly more competitive in the professional world. If it’s you and an otherwise comparable candidate vying for a job but you speak two languages or more, there’s a very good chance you are going to get the job. The same is true for school placement, internships, and so on, so it’s never too early to look into a second language.Language learning also offers you benefits that are all about you, not about travel or literature appreciation or your career, according to ACTFL. Even learning and practicing the easiest language of which you are not a native speaker challenges and exercises your brain and helps hone your memory, your creativity, and your overall mental acuity much the same way as regular use of crossword puzzles, sudoku, or other brain building hobbies. But unlike those challenges, enjoyable as they may be, language learning adds a life skill you can use beyond the game page.(Morsa Images/Getty)Why is learning a new language so hard?Learning a new language is not hard, provided you do it when you are young. But by the time you reach adulthood (or even adolescence) your brain has not only become accustomed to your native language, it has effectively turned off the mechanisms used to acquire new phonemes. Phonemes are those distinct types of sound in a language that distinguish one word from another. As an example of a phoneme, think of how for a native English language speaker the words “row” and “how” are quite distinctly different. They would sound quite similar to a nonnative speaker though, right? So at least you know it goes both ways: it’s as hard for perfectly fluent English speakers to learn a new tongue as it is for non-English speakers to learn your native language.Beyond the fact that the adult brain has those phonemic barriers to the very sounds of a new language, the other reason learning foreign languages is so hard is that it’s a four-pronged issue. In order to truly become proficient at a new language, you are not, in fact, merely learning to speak it, but rather you have to learn to speak it, to hear it, to read it, and to write it. And that’s just a lot of work any way you cut it, especially if the language uses an alphabet or a whole writing system other than that of your native language.What makes some languages easier to learn?Tying in with what we just covered, not all languages are hard to learn even with those four aspects (speaking, hearing, writing, and reading, e.g.) as many of the Romance languages and Germanic languages are close to English in form, if not in vocabularies jam packed with cognates.Closely related languages including Italian, Spanish, French, German, and even Romanian all follow many of the same rules as English, including comparable verb tenses, use of plural forms, and of course a similar alphabet and punctuation. While most words in these languages and a few other will of course be different than their English counterparts, many words are similar from one language to another, giving you that head start. So really it’s not that one language is easier to learn than another from an objective standpoint, it’s that given your being a native English speaker, there are easiest languages for you to consider despite the fact that they may be confounding to someone who grew up speaking, say, Russian or Japanese.Little surprise, then, that you won’t find a language with a Cyrillic- or character-based alphabet recommended here.What are the easiest languages for English speakers to learn?Based on factors ranging from comparable grammar structures to multiple similar words, here are the five easiest languages to learn for you if you’re an English speaker who wants to expand your horizons and linguistic abilities.1. NorwegianNorwegian is arguably the easiest language to learn for a native English speaker looking to add a second language, and that’s precisely because so much of the Norwegian language is similar to English. For example, consider a few common phrases in English and then in Norwegian, like “good morning” which is “god morgen,” “time for breakfast” is “tid til frokost,” and “I am American” is “jeg er Amerikansk.” Beyond the oft similar vocabulary, the structure of the Norwegian language is similar to that of English.2. Spanish Spanish is everywhere in America (and beyond, of course) and thus you not only have good reason to know it, you have countless opportunities to practice it, too. From signs and advertisements to conversations in shops or on the train to hearing the radio and watching TV, Spanish is ubiquitous here. The language itself is also easy for an English speaker to read and write, so once you get down the verb conjugations, which can be tricky, you can start loading up on vocabulary and you’ll be off to the races.3. German ( Hudzilla / Getty)German has some tricky aspects to it, like how there are three “genders” of words, the masculine, feminine, and neuter, but it is a phonetic language, meaning words are pronounced more or less as an English speaker would expect, which makes reading and speaking much easier. There is also only one form of present tense which is simpler than English.4. French French is no more challenging than German nor harder than Spanish, really, based on the rules of grammar; it’s ranked where it is because the pronunciation of words is much harder and more nuanced, though, with many words spoken rather unlike an English speaker may expect based on reading. So it just takes practice.5. Indonesian There’s a jump in difficulty level here, to be sure, and we could have plugged in Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, or a few other languages that are easier for an English speaker to learn than Indonesian, but of the Asian languages, this one is the least challenging for native English speakers. That’s because it uses the Latin alphabet and largely phonetic pronunciations, and because the grammar rules, while unlike those of English, are quite simple.The best tools to use to learn the easiest languagesIf you are going to learn a foreign language all on your own, without the help of a class or hired tutor or a fluent friend and so on, it’s often best to use a couple of resources so you are not putting all your language learning eggs in one basket. One program may be heavy on the grammar rules, while another may teach your more day-to-day useful language, such as popular idioms and phrases (“eggs in one basket,” anyone?) and thus you’ll get a well-rounded experience.For language learners who want to use an app, Duolingo is one great choice because it features regular assessments and can customize your learning based both on your progress and on certain areas of interest, such as travel or work. Babbel is another great app for learning languages thanks to its efficient lessons, most of which are between 10 and 15 minutes long. (NurPhoto/Getty)If you have more time to dedicate to your language studies and you can usually be seated at a computer (not on a phone or tablet, e.g.) then Rosetta Stone is a great language learning program – it takes a more holistic approach to teaching a language and you will not learn casual, conversational use of languages as fast as with some apps, but you will learn a foreign language more completely and with more complexity if you stick with Rosetta Stone programs.There are also many audio only language learning resources that are great for people with car commutes when you need eyes on the road. Many of these can be obtained from your local library, so look into free resources before you spend money on such options.There are also many other enjoyable ways to practice a new language and strengthen your foreign language skills. These include watching TV and movies in the language, which is easier than ever with options like YouTube or even specialty satellite TV channels, or listening to music or podcasts in the language, which is also easier than ever.You can also be even more dynamic in your practice by seeking out opportunities to talk to actual people in real time via platforms like Skype, Zoom, or Google Meet. There are programs that can connect you to students hoping to learn English or to seniors happy to chat with language learners. You’ll brighten their day even as you sharpen your skills – a win-win if ever one existed.So what language should I learn?If you have a specific reason to learn a foreign language, be it that your job is relocating you to a new country, you are starting to date someone who does not speak English as a native language, you want to explore literature in the languages in which it was first written, and so on, then it’s not a matter of choosing the easiest language to learn: that choice has been made for you.If you are looking to maximize the potential people with whom you can speak a common language, then Mandarin Chinese is your best choice – it is the most widely spoken language on earth by a factor of almost three, with some 1.3 billion native Chinese speakers alive now and the numbers only growing. (golero/Getty)That said, this and other Asian languages are not easy for English speakers to pick up (with the surprising exception of Indonesian, which uses a Latin alphabet and simple grammar rules), thus not appropriate for many of the more casual language learning enthusiasts.If you are looking to learn the easiest language that will aid you in the most interactions with others, then you need to think in terms of where you live and where you may travel. For most Americans, a romance language like Spanish is a great choice for English speakers to study as it is the second most common language in the United States and as it is spoken widely across Central and South America and of course in Spain. (In fact, Spanish is the second most widely spoken language on Earth, according to Babbel!)The traveler who wants to learn a foreign language prior to a trip around Europe would do well to consider German, as Germanic languages are used not just in Germany but also in Austria, Switzerland, and parts of France and Italy.Ultimately, though, the right language for you is the one you are most excited to learn – there is no wrong answer here. And you’re not limited to learning one language either: the capacity of your own brain to learn will amaze you, whether you are working on one of these easiest languages or you are on to Arabic or Cantonese.You are capable of so much more than you know right now, and learning new things can be good for you in more ways than one!

Learned Helplessness: What Is It And How Can You Overcome It?
Emotional Health

Learned Helplessness: What Is It And How Can You Overcome It?

The parable of the elephant and the rope has stayed with me since the first time I heard it. There are many variations to the story, but most follow the same premise. One day, a young boy visits a circus. He’s amazed by the tricks and skills the animals display, especially the elephant, who is able to stand on two legs, and interact with the clowns.After the show, the young boy’s curiosity gets the better of him. He goes backstage, and there he sees a host of animals in cages, from monkeys to zebras. But then came a surprise: the elephant, the biggest animal of all, wasn’t in a cage. Instead, he was tied to a tree by a small rope, his body language slumped, obviously unhappy.The boy was sure even he could break the rope and roam free! So he wondered why this huge, intelligent elephant didn’t move. As he thought this, one of the trainers walked by. “Excuse me, sir,” the boy said. “But why does the elephant stand there? Why doesn’t he run away and find his freedom?”“Ah,” the trainer replied. “You see, when the elephant is just a baby, we tie him to the same tree, using the same rope. At that age, he’s too small and too weak to escape, although he tries. Day by day, he feels the might of the rope, and loses faith. Eventually, he becomes resigned, and believes he’ll never escape. By the time he’s big enough to break the rope, he doesn’t even try.” The repeated traumatic events (the inability to escape) led to the elephant to develop learned helplessness. In the self-development field, this parable is the chained elephant syndrome. It’s a metaphor for unconscious, limiting beliefs that continue to hold us back, long after we’ve outgrown them. In psychological terms, this is learned helplessness.In this article, we’ll explore the depths of helpless behavior through the lens of modern clinical psychology, before providing practical steps to empower yourself to free yourself of the chains of such behavior, leaving past experience and heightened anxiety behind, overcoming your limitations.What is Learned Helplessness?Psychologists J. Bruce Overmier and Martin Seligman first explored the original theory of learned helplessness in 1967. The pair noticed how some people, having been exposed to stressful situations that were outside of their control, developed a resigned approach to future events. As a result, they stayed in negative situations, even when it was in their power to change them — just like the elephant.The nature of learned helplessness is passive. Someone may have tried and failed numerous times, and instead chooses to stop trying to change the situation. Or someone may have been in a situation where they expected pain, suffering, or discomfort, and couldn’t escape. One psychological definition is: “The pattern of attributions and behaviors that leads an individual to see no connection between the behavior and the outcomes resulting in feelings of hopelessness, depression, and passivity.”(Suhendra . / EyeEm / Getty)The key word is learned. Maladaptive behaviors are formed over a period of time, but aren’t innate. These traits appear in animals and humans. Indeed, early experiments involved giving dogs electric shocks, but we’ll leave it at that, as the elephant parable is sad enough without the image of puppies being harmed in the name of science and experiencing a similar form of posttraumatic stress disorder.The Learned Helplessness ModelThe theory, which evolved into the learned helplessness model, is one of the most well-researched in the field of psychology. Part of its hypothesis explains how the process of “learning” certain outcomes is outside of the person’s control leads to three deficits: motivational, cognitive, and emotional.The cognitive deficit has to occur for someone to feel helpless, as exposure to the situation alone isn’t enough, but is sparked by accompanying beliefs about the meaninglessness of action. Naturally, this leads to a motivational deficit, where the person has no desire to take action. The emotional deficit links to the depressive state and depression-like behaviors that accompany such an experience of helplessness.As well as depression, learned helplessness has been associated with low self-esteem, frustration, anxiety, phobias, shyness, and loneliness. However, research has shown that this isn’t always a catch-all experience. The areas of life someone experiences learned helplessness may be specific, rather than across all areas — working in a similar way to confidence. For example, someone may have learned helplessness around their ability to learn a new language, whilst feeling they’re in control of learning other skills that require a similar approach.When Learned Helplessness OccursLearned helplessness is in the field of behavioral psychology, as it’s strongly related to environmental factors. Interestingly, studies showed people across all demographics were prone to experience the above deficits after a number of setbacks, suggesting this to be a universal trait. In 1978, the original model was expanded by Seligman, Lyn Yvonne Abramson, and John D. Teasdale to include attribution theory. How someone will view negative events influences whether learned helplessness will occur across three “scales”:Internal to external: An internal attribution links events with the person, rather than the outside world. A student might believe they’ve failed a test because they’re not smart, rather than the test itself being difficult.Stable to unstable: stable attributions are fixed, and don’t change. If someone believes they’re stupid, that is a fixed statement about their ability, rather than noting they didn’t study well enough for a specific exam.Global to specific: the first sees factors attributed to all situations and contexts, whilst a specific attribution looks at the isolated incident.People with a tendency towards internal, stable, or global attribution are more likely to experience depression and learned helplessness. A pessimistic outlook and pessimistic explanatory style tend to lead to certain behaviors — fuelled by beliefs such as “it’s my fault,” “this will never change.” A form of prolonged aversive stimulation is created as a form of stress management, and through his research, Seligman realized that learned helplessness has a big role in depression.Learned Helplessness and Major Depressive DisorderHere’s where we add a few more technical terms. Putting all the pieces of the jigsaw together, the attribution theory and three deficits of learned helplessness can, in certain circumstances, create a perfect storm of depression. Seligman and his colleagues outlined two types of learned helplessness: universal helplessness and personal helplessness. Those experiencing universal helplessness feel that there’s no solution to the problem. Those more inclined to personal helplessness, however, might believe that other people could find a solution, but they themselves are incapable. Personal helplessness tends to create more of an emotional deficit, being more of a risk factor for depression.That’s because there’s an element of making things personal. If there’s a problem no one in the world can solve, it makes it easier to accept. But if you believe there are others who would handle the situation better? You’re opening yourself up to comparison and viewing the situation as a reflection on you, personally.In addition to these two types, Seligman also identified a difference between chronic helplessness and transient helplessness. The first is present over a long period of time, like the elephant. The second is a more fleeting experience that doesn’t tend to recur. As all of these behaviors exist on a spectrum, it’s safe to say most of us have experienced times of learned helplessness, to various degrees. I know I have!Learned Helplessness in ChildrenLearned helplessness often originates from childhood. Like the baby elephant, we’re at our most vulnerable when we’re young, and need protection. Learned helplessness can begin at a very young age in response to cries for attention. A study by Dr. Wendy Middlemiss of the University of North Texas looked at babies aged 4-10 months who cried without any support from a caregiver.After just three days of experiencing this form of neglect (or “sleep training” according to some parenting perspectives), the babies cried for a shorter period of time. However, on a chemical level, their bodies still released the same level of the stress chemical, cortisol. It’s important to note, despite these findings, that research suggests sleep-trained babies do grow up to be healthy adults.Children as young as 4 or 5 can be affected by learned helplessness, too. Carol Dweck, who theorized the growth mindset, discovered that children around this age responded in much the same way as older children and adults. Dweck’s findings were compounded by a later study, which found 41 percent of 4-6 year-olds failed solvable puzzles after three failed attempts at an earlier, unsolvable, puzzle.The impact of this can’t be understated. Dweck’s research discovered that children who developed learned helplessness had poorer outcomes in a wide area of domains, including academic achievement, relationship satisfaction, and moral development.Examples of Learned HelplessnessIt’s tempting to think big, traumatic experiences are the precursor to learned helplessness. Any form of neglect or abuse can make this a risk. But learned helplessness covers a wide range of situations, and as explored, can be transient, chronic, or specific. Some examples of learned helplessness include:Studying for class: students who attempt to study, but lack the proper tools for effective learning, may give up completely and “rebel,” believing their effort has no impact.Changing lifestyle habits: an ineffective diet or lack of commitment to a workout routine might lead someone to think there’s no hope, and instead give up on introducing healthy habits.Political apathy: feeling that voting at elections won’t lead to significant change causes people to avoid voting altogether.Dating: learned helplessness can even interact with romantic pursuits, too. Multiple “failed” dates can lead to someone feeling they’ll never find a suitable partner.Emotional abuse: someone who is a victim of emotional or physical abuse may struggle to leave a partner, resigning to being in the relationship, even if abuse escalates.Childhood neglect or abuse: as noted above, infants are entirely dependent on their caregivers during the early years of life, and if cries for help aren’t met, it can reinforce that there is nothing to do to control a situation.Unsurprisingly, a 2018 study linked learned helplessness with environmental inaction. “It’s a significant finding because researchers often view environmental concern as being an important predictor of taking action,” Dr. Arnocky, Associate Professor of psychology at Nipissing University, said. “If people feel helpless to make meaningful contributions to environmental quality, it appears they may be much less likely to engage in these positive behaviors, even if they are very concerned about the environment.”(Travelpix Ltd / Getty)This is an important point. Learned helplessness doesn’t mean someone is unconcerned about a situation — they lack belief their actions will cause any significant change. It feels like we’re living at a time where societal issues feel so huge, and institutions so ineffective, that there’s a form of collective learned helplessness about dealing with these issues in a skillful, practical way.In these instances, it’s useful to know what is within your power to control, and what small steps can be taken to help. Ironically, the more people who believe in the ability to enact change, the more likely it is to happen. Look at the MeToo and Black Lives Matter movements as prime examples. People started to believe they could make a difference.A Note on Victimhood and EmpowermentBefore diving into the steps to overcome learned helplessness, I want to touch upon the term empowerment. It feels oversubscribed in the self-development field, with lots of misconceptions about what it means. With the above context taken into account, learned helplessness could be described as disempowerment. When circumstances feel outside of our control, and we feel resigned, we give our power to those circumstances.The concept of victimhood, too, can be seen in a different light with the above context taken into account. Victimhood, in the field of self-development, is powerlessness — it’s a trait linked to those qualities of internalized, stabilized, and generalized attributions. Equally, empowerment doesn’t mean always taking 100 percent responsibility for external events.One of my favorite quotes, from Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer, shines a light on these nuances:“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can,and wisdom to know the difference.”Sometimes the test is hard, sometimes we didn’t study enough, sometimes it’s a mixture of both. It’s a practice of trial-and-error. With that, let’s move on.6 Steps to Unlearn Learned HelplessnessWe’re not only here to highlight problems, but to offer solutions. The good news is learned helplessness can be unlearned. It’s not a fixed, permanent life sentence. Seligman would agree. After his research findings, he wrote Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. “While you can't control your experiences, you can control your explanations,” he writes, echoing Niebuhr’s wisdom.Bringing all of this together, below are 6 steps that draw upon experts from the fields of psychology, on how to overcome learned helplessness, empower yourself, and learn the self-serving attitude of optimism:1. Become aware of the thoughts related to resignation“First, you learn to recognize the automatic thoughts flitting through your consciousness at the times you feel worst.”— SELIGMANSelf-awareness is an essential starting point for overcoming learned helplessness. We know that the contributing factor is the cognitive framing of the event. By becoming aware of the linked thinking processes and beliefs, you’re better able to challenge them, and move away from the self-sabotaging script.(David Jakle / Getty)This means, anytime you feel downbeat or like giving up on a situation, take time to reflect on your thoughts. Are there any beliefs that surface, such as “I’ll never succeed” or “what’s the point in trying”? Bring these to the light by journaling and getting them down on paper. Then, work to reframe them. Is there another point of view?2. Do an inventory of your limiting beliefsIt can be difficult to be self-aware enough to stop habitual thinking patterns when in an emotional state. That’s where reflection comes in, during the times where learned helplessness isn’t as present. You can view this exercise as the “unlocking the chained elephant,” or, in other words, exploring the source of certain beliefs you have about your ability.Like the elephant that grows, unaware it could easily break the rope, so many of our beliefs remain fixed across a period of time. They don’t update or reflect our potential or who we’ve become. You can uncover your beliefs upon reflection of moments in your life; for example, if you have an awkward social encounter, you may tell yourself “I’m no good at social interactions.”Alternatively, begin by exploring the areas where you feel limitations. Let’s say you want to start a business, but you have doubts. You can frame this to yourself in the following way: “I can’t start a business, because…” and then see what your subconscious presents in response.3. Reframe from ability to effortCarol Dweck’s research led to her discovering a way to help undo the restraints of learned helplessness. When Dweck encouraged children to view their performance results as a result of effort, rather than ability, their later results improved. While discussing her growth mindset, Dweck notes:“Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”That’s the key when it comes to reframing towards effort. It’s encouragement to try harder, to work smarter, to give it another shot. And, even if you don’t quite reach a goal the next time around, you’re more likely to succeed with that attitude. To distill this into action, when it comes to goals you care about, be vigilant of beliefs about your ability, and instead of believing you’re no good, look for ways to improve.4. Be specific when it comes to your challenges(Hispanolistic / Getty)Returning to the words of Seligman: “Some people can put their troubles neatly into a box and go about their lives even when one important aspect of it—their job, for example, or their love life—is suffering. Others bleed all over everything. They catastrophize. When one thread of their lives snaps, the whole fabric unravels.” This brings us back to universal helplessness, and the value of contextualizing perceived setbacks.I’m someone who is great at catastrophizing if given the chance. This is one area I’ve done a lot of work on. Excuse my language, but my partner has, in the past, referred to this as the “everything’s f***ed” attitude. We have an argument or a disagreement, things feel difficult, and everything else starts to fall apart.Over time, I’ve found much better grounding and I’m better able to compartmentalize issues, to give them the relevant amount of attention. Seligman also notes the value of this approach. “People who make universal explanations for their failures give up on everything when a failure strikes in one area. People who make specific explanations may become helpless in that one part of their lives yet march stalwartly on in the others.”The takeaway here is to always focus on specifics. If you feel helpless, focus only on that life area. The zoom in even more. If you struggle keeping on top of your life admin, focus on one letter, or one email, or one new habit that will help you keep on top of things. Let the problem be about the problem, rather than becoming a symbol for your perceived failure as a person.5. Reattribute from pessimism to optimismThe beauty of seeing trends and patterns of human behavior — both positive and negative — is that it shows what traits to adapt for a healthier outcome. Earlier, we looked at attribution, and how the trio of internal, stable, or global attribution was most likely to lead to depression. The opposite of this is true.“The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault,” Seligman writes. “The optimists, who are confronted with the same hard knocks of this world, think about misfortune in the opposite way. They tend to believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case.” Optimists are unfazed by defeat or perceived failure, viewing such experiences as challenges. When going through a setback, remind yourself — this too shall pass. Even if you feel like you’re going through the motions, learn what you can from the experience, and reframe it as temporary.6. Practice acceptance, validation, and compassionAs touched upon with learned helplessness and the environment, a lack of action or motivation isn’t a direct link to how much you care, or your level of concern. This can’t be overlooked. To start building momentum, first you have to give yourself a helping hand. Jonathan Rottenburg, a psychologist who explores depression in-depth, offers a great insight into this phenomenon. “Depressed people don't end up lying in bed because they are under committed to goals. They end up lying in bed because they are overcommitted to goals that are failing badly,” he writes in Psychology Today. (Adam Kuylenstierna / EyeEm / Getty)This is a crucial point. Whether you’re depressed or stuck in anxiety-ridden procrastination, know it’s not a sign of your character, or how much you care.A powerful practice is to focus on a three-step process — acceptance, validation, and compassion. The first is to accept where you’re at. That means taking an honest look, letting go of any judgments or stories about how things should be, and being true to your present situation. The next is to validate. Think of this as framing the situation with understanding. For example, “it’s understandable you are lacking the motivation to search for a new job, after a few rejections.” The final step is to extend compassion, by approaching your situation as if giving support to a loved one.In ConclusionIf you’re feeling stuck, or there are areas of your life where learned helplessness is active, that’s okay. Give yourself a break and know that you can, and you will, find the power to change. That starts with acceptance. It includes exploring the ways you’re framing events, working to overcome limiting beliefs, and taking action when necessary. This is the power of positive thinking.Hopefully, the research and accompanying insights shared in this article will give you the motivation to start taking the steps to unlearn learned helplessness. And you never know. (Colin Hawkins / Getty)Once you start walking and start to regain control, you may realize how weak the chains of limitations are, and break free, moving towards new horizons of your potential.

Unconditional Love: What is It & How Do You Find It?
Marriage

Unconditional Love: What is It & How Do You Find It?

Depending on the history of your love life, unconditional love may be something readily available, in short-supply, or even non-existent. If you’re not even sure it exists, you’re certainly not alone! Many people have never seen what unconditional love looks like in their own families, and so they struggle as adults with giving and receiving such transformative loving energy.That’s why gaining perspective into how unconditional love works is important. It can get you more in tune with your feelings. It can also help you better understand what work needs to be done - not just in your current relationship, but in your future relationships as well. Love is powerful, and it requires great effort and learning to sustain over time.Unconditional Love DefinitionDescribing this type of love we all desire AKA unconditional love is relatively straightforward. True to its name, it exists without conditions (ie., it comes without strings attached). This means you give it without any expectation of receiving anything in return. Unconditional love finds itself in all kinds of relationships from those we have with certain family members (ie., a child, parent, sibling) to the relationships we develop with pets and even some plants. However, it’s certainly not to be expected and isn’t guaranteed in these or any relationship. It has to at first be possible, and then nurtured and tended to with care. Consider that you water a flower in hopes it will bloom but if you do feel love in this regard, it exists regardless of the outcome. You water anyway.In other words, unconditional love in its healthiest form is defined by a level of free-flowing support that naturally brings out the best in both people (or beings involved). This support is born from a deep-rooted respect or admiration.Respect for individuality and the distinct nature you and others hold outside any single relationship in lifeRespect for the foundational loving relationship you can develop with yourself and use as a compass in current and future loving relationshipsRespect for the undeniable truth that love changes with events and time (and that people change, too)Respect for the other person’s boundaries, needs, dreams, triggers, etc.Respect for the other person’s life journey (ie., not trying to “control, take over, steer”)Relationships based on this highly desirable unconditional love are defined by strength through life’s struggle or, in other words, with kindness in the face of chaos. Life is always a challenge with ups and downs that we can’t predict, but unconditional life isn’t something that fluctuates with events. It only deepens with time. First, we need to find somewhere for it to sprout...On Finding Unconditional Love in a Romantic Relationship and BeyondFinding unconditional love isn’t necessarily easy, but it starts at home. It begins by looking inward and assessing your current ways of expressing and receiving love. It’s okay if unconditionally loving someone seems impossible. Unconditional love is nonetheless real, and can be truly liberating.You might want to do some journaling while you consider the following self-reflection questions:Do you have strings attached (ie., conditions) the love you give people? What conditions do you place on love?What happens when those conditions aren’t met? For example, do you go cold or ice people out?How have your reactions to unmet conditions impacted previous relationships?These kinds of self-examining questions are examples of “the work” that’s necessary to create desired changes in perceptions and actions. If you want to love and be loved unconditionally, you need to recognize the strings first so you can then cut yourself free.Reading about the five love languages and other forms of love can offer further insight into how you express feelings of different forms of love and how you would like to be treated by a romantic or other partner. Consider the following:Maybe you have some unlearning to do before being able to open your heart in this way. Maybe you have opened your heart too haphazardly in the past and you’re wondering what to do differently this time around. Maybe you really have been looking for love in the wrong places (ie., places that don’t understand your love language).Once you have a better understanding of your more dominating love languages (you’ll likely have more than one love language) or those of greater importance in a relationship, it narrows down what to look for.Love languages:Acts of serviceReceiving giftsQuality time Words of affirmationPhysical touchList them in order of preference to get a better sense of what you thrive on as a human being, and what your own needs are. When you know what you’re looking for, you can begin manifesting it into reality rather than wandering aimlessly from relationship to relationship. Healthy unconditional love is not out of reach! Unconditional Love: Part of a Healthy RelationshipDescribing unconditional love is easy when looking at healthy relationships, but it is not as easy to recognize in practice, and furthermore, isn’t a given in every single relationship (and that’s okay, too). You need to understand that some people will not be open to unconditional love because they simply have never seen it, known it, or felt it before. This is why choosing the right relationships is important. Ideally, you will find someone who can also love unconditionally. This way you both can flourish even during the hard times. However, even love that has conditions can be worthwhile and those conditions may dissolve with time spent together and work from both people. Yes, loving someone unconditionally means loving them through thick and thin and giving this love freely even during times of extreme relationship turmoil (and this can feel like a lot of work!). For example, if your spouse cheats on you and you find out they’ve been unfaithful, you can experience a broken heart that hurts but doesn’t destroy your unconditional love for the person. You may love them regardless of what they do (or you may not). Other rather extreme examples include:Your teen crashing your vehicle Your child telling you they hate you Your dog biting youUnconditional love will not change from these types of events. Nothing can shake it. Even if you feel other emotions like anger, disgust, fear, or disappointment, the love remains.If you’ve ever said or heard something like, “This is my chosen family,” or “You’re my chosen family now,” this is a sign of unconditional love already existing in your life.Unconditional love is the feeling behind other phrases like:“I may not like you very much right now, but I still love you.”“Of course I still love you! I could never not love you.”“Loving someone doesn’t just go away overnight.”“I need to detach with love.”“Your mom and I will always be proud of you.”Some people may also equate unconditional love with mature love because it’s the kind of love that doesn’t keep score and deduct points for bad behavior. With all of this said, it’s just as important for you to know that loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean you stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy and unfilling relationship. If unconditional love doesn’t flow both ways, it also leaves room for unhealthy persons to take advantage, so just remember: Unconditional love isn’t an excuse for harmful and hurtful behavior, especially in a romantic relationship. If you’re experiencing relationship problems, seek support and outside help (professional or peer). You see, while loving someone unconditionally can sometimes mean different things to different people, it’s never an open invitation to cheat, lie, or steal. It is not an excuse to take advantage of another person’s willingness to love without conditions. While this may feel obvious to some, it may not be to others who have lived in environments with unhealthy power dynamics (e.g. with people with untreated addictions or mental illnesses). It takes practice to unlearn toxic ways of loving and shift toward healthier expressions of love, especially if you’ve learned these early in life from the parenting adults in your life.If you grew up with an active addict in the home or someone who was actively experiencing mental illness like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, you may have learned unhealthy ways of asking for love and giving love. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault, but it’s a wound that needs to be healed, and the future is in your control to change. How to Love Unconditionally Loving unconditionally is one of the most rewarding and life-changing goals you can cast. If you’ve been exposed to negative self-talk from parenting adults and mentors (or if those adults put heavy emphasis on things like “earning love” or “losing points,”) you may need some extra time, patience, and persistence in changing your relationship to love and how you love. But at any stage in your story, you can start encouraging and nurturing feelings of unconditional love. Try these strategies to get started.Open the Communication Lines ImmediatelyUnconditional love is free from the type of judgement you find in power-imbalanced romantic relationships. This means communication lines should be as wide open (transparent and honest) as possible because it’s actually safe to speak your mind. If you’re not sure what this looks like, here’s a few starter tips for getting it right without starting a fight.If you have a problem, address it as soon as possible and appropriate.Actively listen to your partner (head nodding, gesturing, asking follow-up questions)Speak softly to be heard and received Work to make the other person feel safeAllow for silent moments and pauses Have serious conversations in a private and appropriate setting (not public or in-front of children) Think about what the person said afterwards Honor and respect your partner’s opinions, beliefs, and needs even if you don’t share them or understand them Use humor sparingly and wisely Provide Emotional Support in Romantic Relationships Emotional support is the care work you put into being in another person’s world. It’s the gentle encouragement or vote of confidence that helps your partner see their passions and purpose come to life. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be cheerleading at all hours or encouraging ideas you don’t believe in, but you do need to be showing a consistent level of support for the other person and their goals outside of your relationship. In other words, you need to be supportive of the things they love that don’t directly benefit you (other than they make your partner happy and you like seeing them happy). Share Power in All Your RelationshipsUnconditional love (or any form of love for that matter) doesn’t involve games of tug-o-war or relentless battles to win alpha status, prove who’s right, or determine head of household. Rather, this healthy love type involves reasonable and realistic compromise, fair negotiations, and sometimes personal sacrifice, but never all from one person all the time. Power-sharing is crucial to maintaining an even ebb and flow that fosters a healthy relationship between two people. If one person hoards the power, an imbalance occurs that leaves people vulnerable to feelings of resentment. Practice Makes ProgressYou can practice to love unconditionally with pets and plants. Write down any current expectations you may have. Some examples include expecting your plants to grow, flower, or fruit and expecting your pets to love you in return (give affection) and behave appropriately because of how much you love them.While having expectations is healthy and normal, attaching those expectations to love is a choice. If you want to change this relationship to develop a different type of love, a power-shared and compassion-first love, you’ll need to begin dropping expectations attached to your feelings of love.Again, you don’t need to drop your expectations, but if you want to practice loving unconditionally, you need to cut the strings attached to your actions. The same holds true when we talk about unconditional self-loving. Ask yourself what current conditions limit your capacity for self-love? Is it the concept of grades, salary, weight, or where you live? From now on, consider these external factors as giant concrete walls standing in the way of loving yourself unconditionally. Grab a hammer. Start swinging.As these walls come down, self-acceptance and forgiveness can begin to take root. Now, rather than building walls for protection, you are growing roots for strength. Unconditional Love Isn’t Relationship InsuranceFeeling or receiving unconditional love also doesn’t mean that your relationship is shatterproof. Breakups and divorces happen even when unconditional love is present (and that’s okay!). Sometimes enforcing your personal boundaries will be a driving force behind leaving unhealthy relationships (and this is a positive thing!). You can still love people from afar when necessary for your personal wellbeing and safety.Unconditional love can be experienced as:A selfless actCompassionUnconditional positive regard (complete acceptance)EmpathyStability Sustaining Love like this can outlast marriages because it’s not attached to contractual ways of loving or what only one person can provide in return (AKA conditional love). Without this binding force, you’re free to find your own happiness and love exactly as comes naturally because you’re not doing it performatively (ie, because you promised you would, because that’s what you’ve always done, because that’s what you know is expected). Unconditional love can also be defined by everything it’s not. Like all kinds of love, the concept of conditional love exists on a spectrum. It can sound like many things from stark remarks to subtle and insidious comments:“After all I have done for you, you owe me this.” “If you love me, you’ll do [insert anything here].”“I need you to forgive me right now!”“Don’t you love me?”“I would have expected at least a thank you.” “I did all that, not that I expected anything in return, but something would have been nice.”*“You know, they could have at least acknowledged the amount of effort I put in.”And any and all phrases starting with, “If it wasn’t for me…”*When people say aloud to others that they expected nothing in return for whatever they did, they likely expected something (even if praise and recognition). Otherwise, they wouldn’t think to mention it. Unconditional Love Still Involves Healthy Boundaries Your love may not cost a thing, but loving unconditionally doesn’t mean you become a doormat and pushover, either. It means you recognize and respect another person’s boundaries while wanting and working for their happiness and encouraging them to continue making independent choices that serve their highest interests (even if it doesn’t serve yours). Don’t worry, your own boundaries serve your best interests. These boundaries define the space you take in this world. Specifically, they define the space where you end and another person begins. You can think of them as your soul boundaries, spirit boundaries, mental health boundaries, or physical (personal space) boundaries - anything that reinforces your own well being. Different people in different situations will have different types of boundaries. Whether or not it makes sense to you, respect a person’s communicated boundary anyway. Defining Your Own Boundaries in Unconditional Love RelationshipsA time will come when you’re ready to set boundaries with deep work-revealed intentions with a romantic partner. This means you’ll be fully prepared to embrace the purpose behind each boundary and acknowledge why they are important. This will help you in maintaining new boundaries with others and in respecting new boundaries others may establish over time.To begin narrowing down your own boundaries, you can do a self-check on the following specific boundary examples:Monogamy and nonmonogamy Sexuality and gender expressionsTime and energy (including how many days a week you can spend together)Body hair, modifications, tattoos, surgeries, medications, etc.Culture, religion, ethics, and beliefsCo-parenting or in-law visitations Drugs and alcohol consumption The healthiest boundaries are those that are communicated clearly and maintained despite any initial or continued backlash. If you’re still not sure where your boundary lines are, reread the list. Whatever thoughts arise while reviewing it can become your starting place for setting boundaries in loving relationships. Some boundary examples from the above list may include:I am only comfortable in a monogamous relationship.I am open to dating people from across all spectrums.I would consider converting to another religion.I don’t drink alcohol. It’s also important to have a conversation (or many conversations!) about other people’s boundaries. Knowing what people are and are not comfortable with upfront saves time later in miscommunications, misunderstandings, and missteps over boundaries. For example, you may want to know if someone, in turn, is only comfortable in an open or polyamorous relationship. While these may seem like technicalities that have little to do with unconditional love, respecting your own and other people’s boundaries is a key component in establishing the types of real bonds unconditional love can grow in. Backlash From Healthy BoundariesIf you’re new to setting personal boundaries, you may have to face some backlash from people who are less than thrilled you’ve found your voice. Boundary backlash happens because setting boundaries requires changing — and many people are resistant or hesitant to changing for a million reasons including emotions like fear and anxiety and self-limiting beliefs and behavior patterns. When you appear to be changing or developing different boundaries than previously existed, you hold up a mirror to other people’s behavior, too. While the other person may very well be impressed and intimidated by your emotional strength and commitment to your best interests, they may not express this as such. Instead, they may express negative emotions.Boundary backlash sounds like this:You’re no fun anymore (judgement)You never say ‘yes’ anymore (disappointment)You’ve changed (disapproval)What are you trying to say about me, then? (defensiveness)The phone not beeping anymore (abandonment)Yes, you may lose a few people who just will not be able to accept your healthy boundaries because they cannot set and maintain their own. It may sound harsh, but losing these people is ultimately much healthier than losing your voice and constantly having your boundaries crossed, ignored, or otherwise disrespected. Cut the cords and let yourself move to find the unconditional love we all desire and deserve. If these are irreplaceable people in your life, you may want to consider talking to them about boundaries before deciding to end the relationship. If you need help, you can start by reviewing this common list of healthy boundaries and considering where your relationship with this person stands. This way, you’ll have real-life examples to draw upon.In your relationship, do you both:Ask permissionTake each other’s feelings into accountShow gratitude Remain honestGive space (avoid codependence or controlling behaviors)Show respect for differences in opinion, perspective, and feelingsTake personal responsibility for your role in the relationship and actionsAnd don’t worry if things seem like a condition-laden mess right now. Change comes quickly when you start doing the work and maintaining your own healthy boundaries with healthier people won’t be a problem; it’ll just be the norm. With these boundaries in place, you can release yourself to love freely (without hidden costs) and fears that lead people to create unhealthy attachments, jealousies, and confines around relationships in the first place. Is Unconditional Love Healthy?The short answer is, yes: Unconditional love is healthy. The longer answer is that several small studies support that unconditional love is healthy, but in order to understand what that really means, we need to look at how these studies actually define unconditional love. In most cases, unconditional love is measured by nurturing behaviors, affection, and emotional warmth.Examples include:Unconditional love activates or lights up the same areas in the brain’s reward system as romantic love and maternal love, according to a study using brain imaging technology (known as neuroimaging).Parental unconditional love towards infant children in particular has been associated with their greater emotional resilience or strength against adversity in later adulthood (resulting in less distress).Parent-child unconditional love has also shown potential in offering some protective benefits against childhood traumas (meaning that if something traumatic happens, the child may have a more favorable response and recovery).Unconditional love can provide a secure foundation for children to learn because they feel supported if they make mistakes (which we all do). As we age, this type of love provides a beautiful opportunity for people to become their full selves without worry of abandonment and to experience a sense of security unmatched in relationships where people keep scores.Unconditional Love Can Be Used in Unhealthy WaysWhile unconditional love is a healthy and mature feeling, in some worst case scenarios, some people can use it in very unhealthy ways to gain control and power.In toxic relationships (romantic relationships or other), unconditional love can be something you’re made to believe exists in your relationship when it’s actually an idea that’s being weaponized and used against you. For example, you may hear things like:“No one will ever love you like I do” “You’re lucky I love you like I do”“You’ll never find someone to put up with you the way I do”“How can you complain with all I do”There’s a lot of “I” in there, and that’s not what healthy and selfless love sounds like. That’s what manipulation and sick love sound like. In ConclusionAddressing your relationship with love may not feel easy, but it does lead to personal transformation, an increase in self esteem, and even the possibility of a greater sense of self love. Once you start the process, you’ll find that unconditional love is possible everywhere and with everyone. Look inward!

What Justin and Hailey Bieber's Unconventional Relationship Teaches Us About Love
Family

What Justin and Hailey Bieber's Unconventional Relationship Teaches Us About Love

The Biebers know they’re not perfect, but they’re not letting their inadequacies get in the way of their love. They’ve always seemed more than willing to disclose the inner workings of their marriage and the challenges that arise from their wildly different personalities. Yet, instead of letting these petty discrepancies bring about their downfall, they celebrate each other with the utmost empathy and respect. Moreover, they prefer to wear their hearts on their sleeves, serving as an inspiration to millions of couples across the world hoping to build their own happily-ever-afters. To many, they appear as a picture-perfect pair, a paradigm of young, passionate love that everyone aspires to as a child. Yet, in the real world, it’s not half as easy as it looks. You can’t just hope to find the right person and call it a day; you need to actively work with them to establish a well-rounded partnership that favors both parties and balances your deepest insecurities. Here’s what we can take away from Justin and Hailey’s rather prudent approach:Justin says Hailey’s “logical and structured” personality helps provide security in his lifeIn a revealing Vogue profile, Justin admitted he and Hailey are as different as chalk and cheese. Everyone thought they were too impulsive and short-sighted to get married at a Manhattan courthouse in late 2018. The whirlwind courtship, as well as Justin’s problematic history, sowed doubt among the public about whether they’d be able to overcome the obstacles in their way to become the rare Hollywood success story. Thankfully, it’s been three years, and they’re still going strong. However, they’ll be the first to tell you it’s been an uphill battle reaching this milestone, and they wouldn’t have been able to do without an excruciating battle behind the scenes. It takes an enormous level of dedication and patience to make a marriage stick, more so when you’ve had very little time acclimating to each other’s temperaments. Hailey’s very logical and structured, which I need. I’ve always wanted security—with my dad being gone sometimes when I was a kid, with being on the road. Justin Bieber to VogueFor example, Justin realized early on he’s a man of raging emotions. “I’m the emotionally unstable one,” he told the magazine. He’s constantly bouncing off the walls and doesn’t make room for foresight or discretion. Every action, every feeling, every motion is bursting with an odd intensity that he can’t often control or recognize. He admitted he struggles with “finding peace” amidst the chaos and can therefore be prone to poor decision-making, as the rest of the world can attest to. Hailey, on the other hand, is the exact opposite, the yang to his yin, an embodiment of calmness and order that soothes his tumultuous mind at every turn. Having been thrust into the spotlight at a terrifyingly young age, Justin craves stability more than anything else. He grew up in a broken home with both his mom and dad suffering from various mental health issues; there is a veritable fear of inheriting their worst impulses and letting them take control of his future. If left to his own devices, Justin said, he would just relapse into self-destruction behavior. Recalling his string of offenses from 2014-2015, the 27-year-old said he fully bought into the hype of Justin Bieber, the teen idol superstar, and developed an oversized ego. “People love me, I’m the s**t—that’s honestly what I thought. I got very arrogant and cocky,” he said.” By contrast, Hailey’s mindful, responsible nature brings something distinct to the table; she helps him rein in his disruptive spirit and provides structure amidst the uncertainty. In contrast, Justin helps Hailey get “in touch” with her emotionsThough Hailey has proved to be a beacon of strength in Justin’s view, it’s not just a one-sided transaction. The 24-year-old model said in the same Vogue interview that Justin too empowers her to perceive herself and her surroundings more thoughtfully. His powerful, emotionally rich character, which he sees as a negative, has been a force of positivity in Hailey’s life. Whereas she struggles to “be in touch” with her inner self, “he gets there immediately.”He’ll say, ‘I feel,’ and I’ll say, ‘I think.’ Hailey Bieber to VogueGrowing up, Hailey had always erred on the side of caution. As a member of the Baldwin clan, she’s well-aware of the perils associated with fame and how it can bring out the worst in some people. But she hadn’t been famous enough to experience the consequences firsthand. Instead, she pursued ballet - a dance form that requires the individual to adhere to rigid rules and lead their life with a cold, passive discipline. There’s no room for error, no room for out-of-control behavior, no room for the slightest deviation from the standard. As such, it’s been tough for Hailey to break out of the bold and explore a more sensitive, relaxed side of herself. Justin, in this case, represents liberation and endless passion. His free spirit enables her to look within and cherish every feeling that bubbles up, whether good or bad. We’re two young people who are learning as we go. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say it’s all a magical fantasy. It’s always going to be hard. Hailey Bieber to VogueIt’s hardly a walk in the park, though. Their disparate identities clash with each other quite frequently, and they both have to persevere to ensure it doesn’t break up their marriage. “Fighting is good,” said Justin. “We don’t want to lose each other.” A heated argument is better than two people suppressing how they genuinely feel about each other. It’s better to get everything out in the open and deal with it systematically. Only, Justin has to be painstakingly careful about “not saying the wrong thing,” and Hailey has to muster up the courage to say something at all. At the end of the day, marriage is hard work, and it’s always going to be a work-in-progress. Very few people magically end up with a perfectly complete union and have nothing to improve on. Most people have to put in a shift and reevaluate their behavior in relation to that of their spouse. The fact that Hailey and Justin Bieber have managed to stay married for three years despite everything going against them is nothing short of remarkable. Embrace your differencesEveryone maintains some sort of a checklist when looking for a life partner. Sometimes you come across a suitor and wonder how in the world would you ever be able to make it work — you’re so different! Yet, there is a phenomenon of having too much in common with your partner. You could become bored, there’s no one to push back on your choices, and you might just not learn or grow together as much. The key is to have enough differences with your partner so that you always have something new to learn from them and that their behavior can complement yours in the best way possible. You’ll never run out of things to talk about, you can fill a gap in each other’s lives, and you’ll challenge each other if need be. Obviously, there is an issue with being too different from your husband or wife, but as long as you’re able to respect each other and can work your dissimilarities to your advantage, you might just make it work. More inspiring stories:How Hailey Baldwin Helped Justin Bieber Overcome His Demons Post-ArrestWhat Caused Justin Bieber To Set Boundaries In His Life?Why Marriage At A Young Age Didn’t Frighten Justin And Hailey BieberThe Life Changing Realizations Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber Made In Their Marriage

Billie Eilish's Realization About Love Will Make You Re-Think Your Worth
Dating

Billie Eilish's Realization About Love Will Make You Re-Think Your Worth

Billie Eilish might only be nineteen, but her perspective will resonate far and wide. As a young, celebrated female artist on the scene, there is considerable, continuous speculation regarding Billie’s love life. You’d expect an adolescent like her to be a diehard romantic, someone with naïve ideas about human connection, commitment, and attraction; someone a little dramatic, a little sentimental, and far too hasty. This is the time when you sow your wild oats, of course, so why should her experience matter other than for her own development and clarity?Billie’s candid interview with GQ underlines how she possesses wisdom beyond her years. Behind the dyed hair, baggy clothes, and mumblecore vocals exists a woman who knows herself and can recognize her emotions, even as they feel irrational or painful. There is still a world yet for her to explore, but her take on intimacy and modern-day relationships carries a profound lesson for everyone. It also explains why she continues to be single while all her contemporaries go through the flirtation process:Billie said she couldn’t “visualize” herself being in a relationshipIn the past, Billie’s dated rapper Brandon Quentin Adams, also known as Q, and went out on a date with a young man named Henry Whitford, who not only was her first kiss but is said to have inspired her hit song ‘Bad Guy.’ There was also a deep-rooted obsession with Justin Bieber, which Billie claimed often bordered on mental instability. Most recently, she has been linked to actor Matthew Tyler Vorce.She hasn’t been romantically involved with anyone else to the public’s knowledge, but keep in mind, she’s only nineteen, and that’s still a more comprehensive list than many of us had compiled by our early twenties. I know I will find someone eventually, but at the moment I can’t visualise it. I feel like I am a totally different person when I am with someone else. People just don’t do it for me. It’s weird.Billie Eilish to GQAt the time of the 2020 interview, Billie Eilish said she was single but also added she was not looking to jump back into the dating pool anytime soon. It’s not that she had forsaken the concept of finding love altogether but that she was having a hard time connecting with someone and finding them attractive on a personal level. “It is so weird, but I don’t see it for myself,” she responded when asked if she has room for a more amorous companionship. The California native doesn’t necessarily think she is doomed to be single for eternity, but only, romance was just not her concern at the time, and that she would prefer to stay focused on other initiatives. Just because she might be seeing someone new in the present day doesn’t mean her prior statements on self-love and passion are any less valid. In fact, she even mentioned she’s not closing the door on meeting someone and forging an incredible, intimate connection with them; she trusts it will happen “eventually,” just not at the time. “People just don’t do it for me. It’s weird,” she told the magazine. She also admitted she’s a completely “different person” when she’s entangled with someone; she can’t identify herself and doesn’t understand how to deal with her rapidly transforming self. She’s never felt “powerful” in a relationship but admits she’s messed up tooIt’s critical to consider Billie’s brief, albeit tumultuous, dating history and how it shapes her approach. Though she didn’t name any of her ex-lovers, Billie said she’d had her “heart broken” before, which certainly molds her point-of-view to an extent, but moreover, she’s never felt “powerful” with anyone before. People have taken advantage of her, hurt her deeply, and essentially lowered her self-esteem to the point she felt inauthentic and pretentious. People have done some terrible s**t to me [...] I have never felt powerful in a relationship. I did once and, guess what, I took advantage of that person’s kindness. Billie Eilish to GQShe also discussed how she’s never felt “desired” by an ex, and it’s become somewhat of a priority for her. Female sexuality is still a challenging subject for many in society, especially when talking about a nineteen-year-old. But there is something empowering about a woman countering objectification —which is otherwise widespread in the industry — and asserting her agency in such a startlingly honest way. As far as love goes, it’s not too surprising she’d want to cool off for a little bit and regain awareness about herself and the world before she decided to pursue something real. When older people say, ‘What do you know about things like love?’ I know more about it than you do because I’m feeling it for the first time right now, whereas you haven’t felt that for a long time. That doesn’t mean it is any less powerful, but is definitely a different feeling.Billie Eilish to NMEThe Happier Than Ever artist also acknowledged that she hadn’t been the ideal girlfriend on many occasions, either. In the one time she did feel “powerful,” she exploited this status change and ended up exploiting the other person’s “kindness.” Billie didn’t offer any contextual information, but it’s safe to say her romances so far have been lacking for one reason or the other. It’s not so much about blaming someone else for your failures but accepting the difficulties and flaws within yourself. If you nor the other person are capable of being kind, fair, and empathetic to each other, it’s best to call it off. It’s all too easy to dismiss Billie’s opinion out of hand as the ramblings of an immature, entitled teen idol. However, the closer you look, the more profound her outlook becomes. Interestingly, Billie herself has countered the ageist judgment by asserting that her youth uniquely positions her during conversations about life, love, and everything in between. As opposed to people who’ve been through the cycle a few times over, Billie is experiencing every milestone for the first time; she’s able to unearth these wonderful, intriguing, sometimes destructive facets of love that we can’t begin to recollect. Approach your relationship with care and cautionUltimately, it’s worth taking a moment and absorbing Billie’s ideas. For the most part, millennials and the older generations are socialized to despise their ‘singleness’ and to spend every waking moment finding a partner they could marry and do the whole white-picket-fence dance with. This doesn’t mean Billie doesn’t want to pursue the same ideal — who knows what might happen in the future, and the changes our young musicians might undergo. But it does tell us we should exercise more caution and care when dating someone; we have to be conscious of the power we both surrender and wield, and we have to take action the minute we realize it’s not working or that if we’re pushing ourselves through something that feels bleak and disheartening. Love is hard work, but it’s also consuming, painful, and draining, so if you don’t feel like you’re 100% up for it, make the change. More inspiring stories:Behind Justin Bieber’s ‘Protective’ Relationship With Billie EilishThe Inspiring Reason Why Lady Gaga Reached Out To Billie EilishAt Only 18, Billie Eilish Takes A Powerful Stance For WomenWhen Billie Eilish’s Tourette Syndrome Was Revealed by Fans, She Took Control of Her Own Story

Communication Skills: Why They’re Important
Mindset

Communication Skills: Why They’re Important

How much of your daily time is spent communicating with someone, in some form or another? While the landscapes of our lives have changed since the 1960s, psychological studies conducted during that period indicate that most people spend between 50-80% of their waking hours communicating with others. No wonder good communication skills are important! With the advent of increasingly complex technology, we now have constant access to a multitude of communication methods, ranging from a typical phone call with some other person to illustrative memes passed from colleague to colleague through Slack. And, since there are smartphones in the hands of 3.5 billion people around the world - nearly half the world’s population - we are rarely ever “out of pocket” or unreachable. Given the immense role that social connection plays in our daily lives, developing the ability to communicate effectively is an extremely worthwhile endeavor, and one that can help you realize goals in your personal and professional life. Why are good communication skills so important?Communication is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “the transmission or exchange of information, knowledge, or ideas by means of speech, writing, mechanical or electrical media.” Put simply, communication is how we interact with, and relate to, other people, and this include nonverbal communication.To uncover communication’s importance, we need to look at its evolution - how and why it developed in humans, rather than in other animal species. Michael Tomasello, a prolific and widely lauded developmental and comparative psychologist, attributes the evolution of advanced communication in humans to the unique nature of our species: “…the most fundamental aspects of human communication are seen as biological adaptations for cooperation and social interaction in general…The ability to create common conceptual ground - joint attention, shared experience, common cultural knowledge — is an absolutely critical dimension of all human communication.” (Thomasello 2008)In short, our tendency to create social groups within which individuals rely upon one another generated a need for strong communication skills - a way of passing around information. Tomasello specifically posits that human communication began with simple gestures like pointing, developed further by incorporating sounds and visual representations (think cave paintings), and finally blossomed into speech and complex language. Although an entire field of study called Evolutionary Anthropology is devoted to these and similar topics, the takeaway here is that communication skills, initially developed because they increased the human species’ odds of survival, are still critically important in our day-to-day lives. While we may not be signaling the presence of a predator to others in our social circle, we rely on communication to deepen relationships with family and friends, and to find success in our professional lives. What exactly are communication skills?It’s likely you’ve sat through a meeting where the presenter’s monotonous voice or their convoluted explanations nearly sent you to sleep. That speaker’s poor communication skills affected you, their audience; speaking clearly, concisely, and with an engaging manner are all skills that can be learned. As the above example demonstrates, communication skills are not simply about speaking a language fluently or writing well - they’re abilities that enable you to be an effective communicator by ensuring that your audience understands the information you’re trying to convey.While there’s an immense diversity of communication forms around the world - nearly 7,000 languages were documented globally in 2009 (Ethnologue) - methods of communication are typically sorted into three main types: verbal, non-verbal, and written. We’ll use these categories to discuss specific communication skills and how to improve them below.Verbal communication (Luis Alvarez / Getty)Typically when you hear “communication,” your first thought is speech. Verbal communication is just that - spoken language used to convey information and meaning during interactions. As noted above, there are thousands of distinct languages distributed across the globe, with many people learning and using more than one during their lifetimes, or even daily. For much of our species’ history, verbal communication was limited to face-to-face interactions within a tightly-knit social group. As electricity and subsequent technologies dependent upon it were invented, verbal communication expanded widely beyond direct physical interaction. Today, verbal communication can refer to the following:Face-to-face communication: when you’re able to see your conversational partner. Face-to-face communication can occur either in close physical proximity to others or, as is increasingly common, via video conferencing software like Zoom or FaceTime.Vocal communication: information transferred verbally through a medium. While video conferencing has become more ubiquitous, we still frequently rely on solely vocal methods of communication like phone calls or recorded voice messages. Non-verbal communicationWhen we speak with someone, we’re not simply listening to words in a vacuum - we’re also picking up on non-verbal cues from one another that provide context, giving the words themselves intention and depth. Types of non-verbal communication include:Body language: Any movement or gesture exhibited by an individual’s body in the midst of communication. Your posture, demeanor, and hand gestures send signals about your level of confidence, your interest in the discussion, or your feelings about your conversational partners. Confident body language is important!For instance, as an audience member at a conference, movements like slouching, crossing your arms, or resting your head in your hand can indicate that you’re not invested in the presentation. In contrast, sitting up straight, nodding at appropriate moments, and taking notes demonstrates a willingness to engage with the subject matter. Facial expressions: How an individual’s face moves and what social or cultural cues the resulting expressions signal to others. As a species, our faces are uniquely expressive, and are an essential component of face-to-face communication. We demonstrate internal emotions very clearly through facial gestures like eyebrow raises or frowns, allowing others to sense how we’re feeling without requiring vocalization.Eye-contact: Looking your conversational partner in the eyes while you communicate. Meeting the gaze of someone during conversation does not mean a visual stand-off; rather, when you gently maintain eye contact, it demonstrates an interest in the discussion and shows respect* for your conversational partner. (*Eye-contact can be complex if you’re neuro-divergent and experience ADHD or autism; in these cases, a lack of eye-contact does not indicate a lack of respect. If you have one of these conditions and are interested in increasing your ability to make eye contact, try working with a behavioral therapist.)Written communicationWritten communication is self-explanatory: it’s any exchange of information written by hand, typed or transcribed. While today we’re used to instantaneous digital communication, this form of conversing has only existed for a comparatively short period of human history: our species evolved 200,000 years ago, whereas electronic communication was only introduced in the mid-1800s with the telegram. This highlights how rapidly human communication can evolve, and today some linguistic studies center around specific conventions that set things like tweets apart from other types of writing.This is to say that regardless of how a written message is delivered, writing itself is complex, and it can require a significant amount of knowledge and skill to be used effectively. As such, in our improvement section, we’ll cover broad approaches to improving your writing skills in your professional life. How to become an effective communicatorDo you want to develop truly excellent communication skills? We’ll address actionable steps for improvement shortly, but first, let’s revisit the subject we addressed in the introduction - if your communication skills have seemed just fine, thanks up until now, what’s the point of examining yourself under a microscope? Here are some benefits of putting in the hard work to become a good communicator: Improve confidence: Communication is the thread that ties society together. Being able to convey your ideas and opinions effectively allows you to express and be recognized for other innate skills, like compassion, tenacity or humor. (Getty)Effective communication skills also enhance your ability to advocate for your wants and needs, which can help you move towards self-actualization. Deepen and strengthen relationships: Communicating isn’t just about talking to or at people - it involves developing listening skills and emotional intelligence. Improving your ability to listen and fully comprehend gives you the opportunity to relate to others more closely, and to better understand differing perspectives. While small talk can be tiresome, deeper, honest discussions strengthen bonds, and require some of the soft skills you’ll see in truly great communicators. You can often learn much about yourself when speaking to someone else - just clarify boundaries ahead of time!Enhance leadership skills: A good leader must be an effective communicator, otherwise their team’s morale and productivity will suffer. Someone who can explain the how and why of a project, then break down and communicate tasks directly will be much more successful than someone who cannot. A good leader should also be able to relate to their colleagues - don’t underestimate the value of team relationships based on mutual respect and trust. Achieve goals: This may be the most obvious reason to improve your communication skills: if you have big dreams or even small milestones you’d like to reach, being an articulate, effective communicator will keep you on track from start to finish. Becoming a good self-advocate and a confident speaker will help you network, and by strengthening relationships you’ll gain a better support system to rely on when the going gets tough. Improving verbal communication skillsPractice “active listening”: The first and most important step for better verbal communication is becoming a more effective listener. Yes, really! This means making an effort to ensure you truly comprehend the material by being an active listener. Try strategies like taking notes, paraphrasing information immediately afterwards, and ensuring that you’re not listening simply to reply - let others talk at their own pace and become comfortable with natural silences (every second doesn’t need to be filled with chatter!). The more you listen to others, the better you’ll become at analyzing communication styles, and at identifying techniques you want to adopt.Practice speaking: Yes, actually practice in person, or via phone or video chat with someone you trust, like family, friends, or a mentor. Use recording apps to practice by yourself. Pay attention to your flow of ideas, your typical speaking tone, and evaluate whether your audience (if practicing with others) understands the material. Ask for feedback: Again, feedback is crucial, particularly in the workplace. Being open to constructive criticism develops skills in previously weak areas. Colleagues, mentors, and even supervisors may be open to sharing nuances they’ve noticed when you speak (e.g. the dreaded “…uhm”), and can give you pointers. Improving non-verbal communication skillsImprove posture and breathing: Although analyzing your own body language can be awkward,many communication skills depend on these nonverbal cues. Pay attention to how you stand, sit, breathe and gesture during the communication process. Avoiding slouching and learning to regulate the speed of your speech and breathing can go a long way to improving confidence. The importance of communication skills can go a long way, whether in the form of business communication, presentation skills, or within personal relationships. Practice speaking: (Edwin Tan / Getty)The importance of practice can’t be understated. Practice with friends or family, or by yourself in a mirror. Take note of how you move when you speak, where you hold tension in your body, and any facial expressions or eye-contact you make. Because emotions can slip through our mind-body filter, it’s important to understand how communicative your face can be, and whether or not your expressions are conveying what you intend.Ask for feedback: If you’re comfortable doing so, asking for body language feedback can be invaluable. We don’t always notice when our expression or posture slips or when we fidget, and having a colleague or a mentor gently remind you can be invaluable, especially when practicing for a presentation. Improving written communication skillsEnsure clarity: Although writing varies depending upon subject and audience, always be as clear as possible. When writing poetry or crafting a novel there’s room for interpretation, but typical writing shouldn’t require a search for hidden meaning. This is especially true when relaying instructions, communicating at work, or teaching.Check tone: While verbal communication provides context clues like tone of voice, writing can easily be misinterpreted. For example, texting follows a different set of punctuation rules depending on your generation - a period which is commonplace in a novel may seem harsh in a casual text. Things like humor, particularly sarcasm, don’t always translate well. Be very clear about what tone and message your writing may be conveying, depending upon your subject and audience. Find your “voice”: The more you write, the more likely you are to develop a style and pattern known as your “writing voice.” While this is particularly true in creative writing and journalism, it also applies to typical writing between friends or colleagues. Not everyone is going to communicate with the skill of Bob Dylan or Tupac Shakur, but everyone's got room to grow to be great in their own way!Do you crack jokes often, or sign off with emojis rather than punctuation? When appropriate, use those traits to ensure your writing sounds like you. Ask for help and feedback: Assistance and feedback go hand-in-hand with writing. If grammar or specific writing structures aren’t your strong suits, ask someone to proofread drafts. And if you weren’t able to ask for copyediting help, ask for feedback on finished writing, and take notes for next time. Read more, more often: (Oscar Wong / Getty)Yes, read to improve your writing. The more often you read, the more likely you are to recognize styles, language conventions, and vocabulary. If you’re entering a specific field of work, immerse yourself in the literature (from blogs to professional journals) that goes along with it. Communication skills for career successSo, how do you demonstrate effective communication in your professional life? Even if you already feel confident in your skills, there’s almost always room for improvement. Essential communication skills for your resumeIn the current job market, the application process is quite competitive. Stand out by making a positive first impression with your resume; it’s an opportunity to highlight your top communication skills, and provides a foundation that can be expanded upon in cover letters or interviews. Here are a few key skills you can include, and remember to express them in engaging ways that relate to your past work. Try to avoid a static list, as action words are more evocative.Active listenerClear and concise communicatorResponsive and timely team memberExemplifies respect and empathyConsistently diplomatic Well-versed in mediation and negotiationSkilled at [your business field] communications *Always tailor skills to your field, e.g. “skilled at delivering financial reports to stakeholders.” Here’s how to be an excellent communicator as an employee: Ask for clarification: This ensures that expectations for your performance are clear, and paves the way for you to meet or exceed them. Paraphrase to demonstrate understanding: If a supervisor has explained something, particularly a complex topic or multiple tasks, taking a moment to think it through and then repeating a (simplified) version shows that you’ve internalized the information and can act on it. Convey information concisely: Some people love to talk! This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and in certain professions (like teaching) this is a desirable quality. However, tangents and convoluted descriptions make it hard for others to understand and absorb information. So, keep it short, sweet, and salient - ensure everything you share is relevant and actionable. Request feedback: The ability to receive constructive criticism without becoming defensive is truly useful, as it allows you to recognize and remedy areas of improvement, which helps you grow not only as an employee, but as a person. If you ask for feedback from colleagues and supervisors, they know you’re open to improvement from the get-go, and can tailor suggestions to areas you specify. (However, coworkers and managers should not be tearing you down - constructive criticism must be actionable, and shouldn’t be mean-spirited or directed at who you are as a person.)Provide feedback: While not all employers will give you this opportunity, healthier environments are fostered when feedback is encouraged both ways. Keep the above points in mind - feedback should be actionable, and unless there have been serious issues with a mean-spirited or woefully ineffective manager, you should not be trying to needlessly criticize them. Here’s how to be an excellent communicator as a supervisor or employer:Demonstrate respect and empathy: Ensuring your team members feel seen and respected is key to a positive work environment. When subordinates feel like exactly that, “subordinate,” they’re less inclined to go above and beyond, and rightfully so. When contributions are respected, and when you demonstrate empathy for your colleagues and their personal situations, it shows you value them as humans and not simply as workers.Provide constructive feedback: As mentioned above, viewing your employees as the complex individuals they are is essential to positive workplace morale. Providing constructive, actionable suggestions can improve their productivity and the quality of their work, but also increases their confidence and helps them grow as individuals. Invite feedback: While employees are typically the ones receiving performance notes, inviting feedback on the supervisory level can boost your organization’s morale and productivity. Respecting employee input demonstrates that you’re all “in this together” and that you’re continually looking to improve the working environment. Provide clear instructions: Although this seems like a no-brainer, it’s sometimes difficult to know how your instructions are interpreted. Check with employees to ensure that tasks are clear and concise, and that there’s little room for misunderstanding. This small checkpoint can work wonders on employee confidence and productivity.In conclusionAlthough the process of communication skill-improvement can be daunting, this work will reward you ten-fold. Numerous studies indicate that better communication can brighten your outlook on your career and help you find fulfillment in your life out of the workplace. If you struggle with specific skills, remember that communication is all about connecting to others, and that asking for help is just part of the growth process. While growth may be uncomfortable, it’s often necessary to reach our goals and to truly realize our potential.

Active Listening: The Skill That Makes People Feel Appreciated (and Appreciate You)
Emotional Health

Active Listening: The Skill That Makes People Feel Appreciated (and Appreciate You)

Let’s be honest: almost all of us, at least most of the time, prefer it when we’re the ones doing the talking. Sure, your friend or family member may have a funny anecdote to share, but isn’t yours even funnier? And yes, this or that coworker’s thoughts on the project might be worth a moment of your listening, but you can’t wait to share your new initiative, can you? And on it goes.As long as there is give and take in the course of a conversation, it’s just fine to enjoy it when you’re the one doing the talking. That is, as long as you also do your part when the other person starts talking, and in this case your part is to listen. Not to not talk, but to be effectively listening.It’s precisely because most people prefer to be the one leading a conversation (and often for said chat to be focused on themselves, too) that practicing active listening is such a critical skill to strengthen. What does it mean to practice active listening? Do those skills come naturally? It turns out that they don’t - at least not for most people. Active listening seems easy in coming-of-age films like Stand By Me, but to properly make people feel heard is something that needs to be worked on and practiced. Let’s get into it!Active Listening TechniquesIf you have ever heard someone described as a great conversationalist, or if you think of a friend or colleague as being easy to talk to, then it’s all but a certainty that said conversation master has honed his or her active listening skills. (Getty / Thomas Barwick)You probably won’t have noticed it before, as great active listening is a subtle art, but think about it the next time you find yourself really enjoying a chat. You’ll likely find that the reason it’s working is that you’re really being heard thanks to active listening.And of course the other party will feel the same way, because just as soon as your turn to talk has come to its logical conclusion, the other person will feel equally appreciated thanks to your active listening skills!We’ll talk about the specific skills involved and critical active listening techniques in a bit, but let’s start talking about what active listening is not.Communication Skills: Active Listening Does Not Mean Waiting for Your TurnFor anyone who wants to be a good active listener, it’s imperative to realize that active listening is not the same thing as close listening or critical listening. A courtroom lawyer or debate club member may listen very closely and critically to what another party is saying, for example. But in these cases, the listener is paying attention only inasmuch as they are planning how to counter or even refute the points made by the other person.(Westend61 / Getty)This, of course, is the opposite of good active listening.Active listening also does not mean asking lots of questions, especially when those questions are asked during an interruption. Far too many people make the social mistake of thinking asking questions shows that they are paying attention and interested, whereas in fact these interruptions may only serve to irritate and befuddle your partner in the chat. Frequent interruptions, even if well intentioned, demonstrate social communication skills that need improving, not those that are well polished. If you are actually paying close attention, the other party will be able to tell, no butting-in required.And perhaps the cardinal sin of poor active listening is the act of waiting to talk. Even if you don’t interrupt once, you make eye contact, you nod and smile or shake your head and frown as body language makes sense given the tenor of the talk, if you are simply waiting for the other person to be done talking so that you can speak, you are not being an active listener and you are not being polite. Just as someone can tell when an active listener is tuned in, so too can they tell when the other person is merely waiting to get their turn to talk, interruptions or not.5 Things Active Listeners Will Always Do(Thomas Barwick / Getty)There are many factors that go into being a good active listener, but most every one of them can be tucked into one of these five critical active listening techniques.1. Demonstrate Engagement Effective listening sometimes begins with body language. Sure, your ears are the most important part of your body when it comes to active listening, but it’s just about every other part of your body that tells the person talking that you’re actually using those ears (and the brain between them, of course). Because you’re not speaking while you’re actively listening, it really comes down to body language to make sure the other party knows they are being heard. That means great eye contact when merited, but also looking away when doing so will make the speaker more comfortable. It means an upright posture and an open body (no crossed arms or hunched shoulders, in other words). It means using the head and hands to prompt the speaker to continue. And it means an overall stance that is approachable and without an aggressive or detached bent.2. Allow for Pauses (Mireya Acierto / Getty)Very few people think and speak in an unbroken stream of words, and far fewer still are those who do so without being irritating (and with being worthwhile of long attention given by others). Don’t fill in silences for the speaker unless it’s clear he or she is done talking or if they have asked a question; when they feel the room to pause and think, their thoughts will come together more fully. What they say will be of more value, and you both benefit from that!3. Re-Engage Mentally Unless the person to whom you are listening is one of the most interesting people on earth (and even in that case) it’s entirely natural for the mind to wander as another person speaks. It’s no different than your thoughts wandering when you read, write, watch a movie, meditate, and on it goes.If you find that your mind has wandered, don’t get hung up on the drift. Instead, start to pay close attention again and see if you lost the thread of the chat. If you did, you can own that and ask for a briefing of the last few seconds, and don’t be afraid to use those facial expressions! And even if your mind has not yet wandered, consciously reminding yourself that what you are doing is an active process can help prevent mental drift.4. Interrupt Yes, that’s right, there is a time where interrupting is actually part of good active listening skills, and that’s when you genuinely don’t understand the point the person is trying to make and feel that missing the other person’s point will mean you lose a major part of their message. Think of it as asking for clarification as to what they are already saying, and not ever as asking a leading question, especially one that will lead to your own talking.(JimmyFam / Getty)5. Summarize Even when the other party is done talking, your job as an active listener is not quite wrapped up and your turn to share your own thoughts has not quite arrived. First, you need to do your best to quickly summarize the main points the other person just made and to ask if you understood correctly.This will have a three-part effect. First, it ensures you did indeed understand and it gives the opportunity for clarification if needed. Second, it will prove to the other person you were indeed able to listen effectively as you hit their key points. And third, quite often it will help the other person better understand their own points, or even see issues with their thinking that may lead them to reassess something. (In that way, active listening can even be a good technique when you do hope to change someone’s mind.)The 5 Worst Things to Do if You Want to Be a Good Active ListenerWe prefer to focus on the positive things in life, so we’ll keep this part shorter, but there are indeed a few things that are so anathema to good active listening that they merit being touched on. So here are the things good active listeners never do.1. Interrupting Save for asking for clarity as we noted, a good listener just doesn’t interrupt. If you have a thought you just can’t bear the thought of losing, you can politely ask the person to pause for a moment, make the briefest note possible that will jog your memory later, and then re-devote your full attention to the speaker.2. Use disrespectful body language (Getty)From slouching to poor eye contact to fidgeting, to worst of all, using your body to do something totally different (like cleaning or playing a video game, e.g.), the way you use your body says it all when your mouth is saying nothing. Don’t use body language that can be taken to mean “I don’t care.” Also, do keep in mind that eye contact is not always needed or even good for proper active listening. If your conversation partner shies from extended eye contact, don’t just sit there glaring at them nonetheless – meet the person where they are in terms of eye contact.3. Filling silences(PeopleImages / Getty)The only things you should say when a person pauses to think are things along the lines of “take your time” or “please tell me more” or even more directly “I’m listening.” Don’t fill gaps in the conversation left by a person’s pause. You’ll risk derailing the entire talk and leaving the other person feeling unheard and feeling like you were just waiting to talk.4. One-upping Just like you should not be filling gaps in the conversation or waiting to talk, don’t try to top the person’s statements when they’re done talking. Sometimes, when we swap stories, it’s OK to go back and forth – this can be about workplace drama, youthful indiscretion, sports injuries, and so on, but know the difference between swapping and topping. Also, know that sometimes it’s OK to not have a rejoinder, even if it’s a logical fit. (Often that’s perfect, actually.)5. Not listening (SolStock / Getty)It might seem basic, but if you accept that active listening is a skill that needs practice, then that practice starts by simply actually paying attention to the person. That means not engaging in another activity, not letting other thoughts crowd your head, and it means not letting other thoughts crowd your head when you should be letting their thoughts in.Other Ideas for Being a Good Active ListenerAs with most things in life, the best active listening to the person speaking comes when the conditions are right. If your partner, friend, relative, or other party asks to talk about something clearly meaningful, don’t engage in the conversation while you are actively shopping for groceries, wrangling a child during bedtime routine, or trying to get some work done. Set aside a time and try to be in a place that will work for a talk and where there will be minimal distractions. This is a basic tenet of those with emotional intelligence.Once the other person is talking, pay attention not only to the words they say but also to what they are not saying. Being a better listener means paying attention to his or her body language and to any moments where it seems the person may be hesitating to say something. In these instances, you can kindly, and in as few words as possible, make it clear that you are there and ready to listen but also OK if the person wants to not say a certain this or that.And finally, it’s OK to, at a certain point, advocate for yourself. If it becomes clear that despite your good intentions as an active listener the other person is just going to go right on blathering away endlessly, then at some point you need to politely ask for a chance to speak or to exit the conversation. Being a good listener does not mean being a pushover. In the End, Good Active Listening Is...Genuine active listening is all about respect. Whether it’s a therapist listening intently to the concerns her patient is sharing, a dad hearing about his daughter’s struggles in school, or a friend enjoying his buddy’s hilarious tale from a summer trip, good active listening makes the person who is talking feel heard, and thus respected.(Martin Barraud / Getty)That, in turn, will make that person so much more likely to gladly and actively listen to you when it’s your turn to do the talking. That’s not your goal, of course, but being a caring person of intention has its benefits. Sounds like you!

What is Social Anxiety Disorder? Signs and Solutions
Emotional Health

What is Social Anxiety Disorder? Signs and Solutions

Feeling anxious is a necessary, although uncomfortable, part of being alive. When you feel symptoms of anxiety, it’s your brain’s natural response to stressful, scary, or threatening people, places, and things. This accurately named stress response (which includes an adrenaline rush) can help us when we need to increase our alertness or energy levels to fight or flee in certain situations that may be particularly dangerous. However, if your anxiety levels are getting out of control and causing problems when you’re around other people who pose no real or significant threat to you or those you love, you may have a mental health condition called social phobia or social anxiety disorder.What are social anxiety disorders?Social anxiety or social phobia (fear) refers to the experience of feeling intense fear and anxiety in response to social situations and events. You may feel worried about being judged or about embarrassing yourself (ie., a fear of rejection). You may even be worried that if you get too close to others in social situations, they’ll figure out who you really are and will not like you.Think back to moments where you’ve been faced with meeting new people, introducing yourself to a new group, or mingling by yourself at a social gathering. Surely you can find one example where you’ve felt even a little unnerved! These feelings may stem from underlying beliefs you may not know you have because they were planted and took root at such a young and tender age. Later in life, something like a previously implanted belief that people are not trustworthy can trigger or influence these feelings of social anxiety (and understandably so!).These feelings can be felt both mental and physically.Physical symptoms of social anxietySocial anxiety symptoms can feel like:Heart racing Muscle tension including jaw clenching or shoulder scrunchingStomach upset, nausea, or digestive dysfunction (constipation or diarrhea) Shortness or shallowness of breathDissociating or feeling like you’re outside your own bodyFor some people, the exact social situations that trigger their underlying social phobia may be very specific and select. For example, you may know someone who is comfortable and outgoing with you but who seems to start crumbling under some unseen pressure when faced with groups of three or more people.For others, they may be perfectly comfortable with your entire extended family but refuse to enter a restaurant. Everyone’s mental health experience is unique to them. You can read through some mental health quotes to get a better understanding of what your loved one may be experiencing when they have anxiety and other mental illnesses.More on social anxiety disorderMental health disorders like social anxiety is more than just shyness and can be triggered into social anxiety disorder in any of us, regardless of age, gender identify, biological sex, or health conditon. Social anxiety disorder refers to the point where social anxiety is actively interfering with everyday functioning. Some people are more likely to experience it than others. Fifteen million Americans have social anxiety disorder with more than 75% experiencing their first symptoms in childhood and the early teen years. Over time, social anxiety disorder can lead to many missed opportunities. If you have avoided things like job interviews or promotional opportunities, your social anxiety may have already been present for months or years. Don’t self-diagnose and try to “get over it.” Social anxiety disorder is a medical condition that requires treatment in order for you to get better.Who is more prone to developing social anxiety disorder?Some people are more likely to have social anxiety and are more susceptible to developing mental disorders, including substance abuse disorder. You are more likely to develop social anxiety and a social anxiety disorder if you are exposed to environmental factors (like if you have any family member with anxiety disorders, or any other mental health disorder). While it’s known to run in families, researchers have yet to pinpoint the cause. Likely, it’s both genetic and environmental to different degrees in every case.For example, having a parent with social anxiety disorder (especially if it’s untreated) may affect you in different ways.You do not know the difference in their behavior compared to other parents until you start comparing with school friends and peers. You essentially grow up thinking the way they react to things and behave in the world is the “normal way.”A parent with social anxiety disorder may not be well enough to safely cope with bringing you to certain social events like public play groups or birthday parties. This means you may miss out on healthy socializing during those stages and may in turn begin exhibiting signs of social anxiety. Why do you have social anxiety?Even if someone in your family has social anxiety, it’s not their fault if you have it, too. With mental illness, there is never just one cause and it’s difficult to give an origin story to your anxiety because there are so many factors involved.The National Institute of Mental Health says:Several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxietyMisreading other people (body language, tone, intention, etc). may contribute to social anxietyHaving underdeveloped social skills or being socially different can also play a role in people feeling discouraged about talking to others We also know that many environmental and other factors can contribute to social anxiety disorder, including:BullyingChronic stressFamily conflictSexual abuseCertain trauma or phobias Other anxiety disordersSerotonin and other hormonal imbalancesBrain imaging scans have determined that certain mood-regulating hormones like serotonin and overactive brain parts like the amygdala can contribute to this or cause social anxiety disorder. Diagnosis of social anxietyWhile there is no blood test to tell you for sure if you have symptoms of social anxiety disorder, you may already have some suspicions due to symptoms. With your symptoms in mind, you can take an online anxiety test or mental health assessment (not a diagnostic tool). These unofficial quizzes can help you get a better sense of your core symptoms and to what degree social anxiety is creating problems so you can more accurately communicate these things in a way your doctor can understand. You may even want to print out or take a screenshot of your results and bring them to your appointment or have them handy to refer back to during the session. Symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:BlushingNausea and feeling sick to stomach Vomiting Excessive sweatingTrembling and shaking Dizziness LightheadednessExcessive and intrusive, intense worrying about social situationsChronic worrying before events (even months in advance)Avoiding people or social settingsFocusing obsessively on how you’re being perceived (living life outside your body as a judge)Skipping school or missing workAvoiding basic public setting events like shopping in grocery stores, eating in public, or using public restroomsNot sleeping or restless dreamingTalk to a mental health professional or doctor about all your symptoms (including if your social anxiety worries are keeping you up at night) to get an accurate diagnosis. Your doctor will make a diagnosis after considering how your symptoms compare to those listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness. If you want to see what they’ll be using to assess your symptoms, here are the main criteria for this clinical anxiety disorder:Marked fear response or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Examples include social interactions (e.g., having a conversation, meeting unfamiliar people), being observed (e.g., eating or drinking), and performing in front of others (e.g., giving a speech). Note: In children, the anxiety must occur in peer settings and not just during interactions with adults.The individual fears that they will act in a way or show anxiety symptoms that will be negatively evaluated (i.e., will be humiliating or embarrassing; will lead to rejection or offend others).The social situations almost always provoke fear or anxiety. Note: In children, the fear or anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, clinging, shrinking, or failing to speak in social situations.The fear or anxiety is out of proportion to the actual threat posed by the social situation and to the sociocultural context.A chronic mental health condition like this can mean that social situations are avoided or endured with intense fear or anxiety.The fear, anxiety, or avoidance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning and is persistent, typically lasting for 6 months or more.These feelings are not the result of the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition and isn’t better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder, such as panic disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, or autism spectrum disorder.If another medical condition (e.g., Parkinson’s disease, obesity, disfigurement from burns or injury) is present, the fear, anxiety, or avoidance is clearly unrelated or is excessive.Aside from looking at those diagnostic criteria for social anxiety disorder, your healthcare provider should order some general lab tests as a precaution for ruling out any other mental health concerns that could be causing your symptoms. When it comes to social phobia in particular, though, the symptoms of anxiety typically have a pretty clear trigger, so it may make treatment a bit more straightforward (but not always).People with social anxiety may experience symptoms of anxiety at the thought of making a phone call to book an appointment to go into a public place such as a doctor’s office. If it helps, you can find an online telehealth provider so you can access your appointment remotely from the security and safety of a private setting. After you get a diagnosis, your doctor will begin talking to you about treatment. You should know the sooner you start any treatment, the closer you are to finding what works. Social anxiety treatment: How to treat social anxiety disorder the right way)There are so many avenues for treating social phobia and symptoms of social anxiety that you will need to decide what you are and aren’t comfortable with and willing to try. Whatever you decide, choosing no treatment is not a good option for your mental health. People with social anxiety who avoid treatment are risking their disorder getting increasingly worse. Main methods of treating social anxiety disorder include the following. Psychotherapy Psychotherapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help in treating social anxiety disorder. This is not a quick fix or a one-time treatment but committing to the treatment plan can give you great insight and empower you to explore different ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting to social situations. This can help you feel less symptoms of anxiety including fear.You can find registered counselors, mental health therapists, trained peer specialists, and psychiatrists who practice CBT in-person and online through telehealth appointments. Choose which option you feel most comfortable with. (frédéric Michel / Getty)Your therapist may also discuss Exposure Therapy where you gradually work your way into facing your fears as a way of resolving them. MedicationWhen anxiety starts interfering with your daily functioning, your doctor may suggest medications that can help reduce symptoms of anxiety. Mental health medications like antianxiety medications and antidepressants can help you cope with symptoms of illness but they do not cure mental illnesses. If you have tried any mental health medications in the past, it’s important to let your doctor know. Many of these medications work on similar brain chemicals, and any information about past use can be helpful for when your doctor chooses the best option to try first.Don’t get discouraged by the word “first.” Many people will need to trial a few different mental health medications before finding their perfect match. Your perfect patch may not be the same as another person with social anxiety. What’s right for you is ultimately the medication that makes the most positive improvement with the least amount of side effects. Mental health medications commonly prescribed for social anxiety disorder include:Traditional anti-anxiety medications like benzodiazepines (typically prescribed for short-term or on-the-spot momentary reliefNewer options like SSRI antidepressants (a longer-term anxiety solution)Beta blockers that can block physical symptoms of anxiety Four of the most commonly prescribed benzodiazepines include:alprazolam (Xanax)clonazepam (Klonopin)diazepam (Valium)lorazepam (Ativan)Anti-anxiety medications (e.g. benzodiazepines of any brand) are habit-forming and are said by the American Academy of Family Physicians to lose their effects after 4 to 6 months of regular use. You can also experience serious withdrawal symptoms (including rebound anxiety that can be worse than the original issue) when you try to stop, which is why you should only do so under the guidance of your prescribing healthcare professional. Support Groups (Online and In-Person)Support groups are safe spaces where you have a chance to receive honest and unbiased feedback about how others see you. While this may sound scary, it’s a way of actually hearing from others what they think, rather than sitting in your head in a social situation and assuming. This type of internal dialoguing can prevent you from forming real bonds with other people. Support groups help you face that fear and find out that the truth is really never as bad and if negative feedback and emotions arise, you’re in the perfect place to deal with them. Other support resources:Anxiety and Depression Association of America 240-485-1001 www.adaa.org Freedom From Fear 718-351-1717 www.freedomfromfear.org/ National Institute of Mental Health 866-615-6464 www.nimh.nih.gov National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK (8255) www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Holistic treatment changesThe National Institute of Mental Health says that a “healthy lifestyle can also help combat anxiety.” This means getting enough sleep and exercise, eating a balanced diet rich in fresh, colorful foods, and reaching out to support networks and available resources to help yourself get better. When you begin making changes to combat social phobia, it can be additionally difficult because, for example, it’s not like you want to go to a crowded gym or park to exercise. There are ways around these mental health hurdles and personal barriers until they come down naturally as you begin to see the impact of holistic treatment.Social anxiety and holistic treatmentRather than rely on one method of treatment and hope for the best, a person with social anxiety disorder and other types of mental health conditions are best served with the holistic or combination approach. Holistic treatment considers the whole person: body, mind, and spirit or soul.This may look like you are seeing a general practitioner, a counsellor, a yogi master, and a dietician or it may look like making sure you are taking your medications, walking more frequently, and avoiding fast food while trying to keep a consistent sleep schedule. Whatever path you take, know that every little step adds up to a healthier you both in the short term (right now) and longer term (meaning you won’t miss out on stuff because of social anxiety).Alternative options include:Avoiding caffeine in soda, chocolate, coffee, tea, etc. because it can rev up your anxietySkipping the alcohol - alcohol-induced anxiety can last for several hours or even a whole day after drinkingAvoiding drugs like cannabis that can cause heightened anxiety and stress (even in youth)Doing some deep breathing exercises or practicing mindfulness which can reduce anxiety and stress and improve sleepA final wordIf you see yourself in the signs and symptoms of a social anxiety disorder, talk to your doctor, counselor or health care provider. They can provide medical advice that is truly valuable, and when something isn’t right, you deserve the same type of support as anyone experiencing any other health problem. Advocate for your needs or enlist the help of someone else. Remember that anxiety is not your fault. Treatment, however, is possible, is in your hands, and is ultimately under your control. You got this!