self development

We sure like to think about ourselves as rational and logical human beings. We plan our future just like everyone else. If we don’t suffer from mental disorders such as depression or anxiety, we’ll almost always believe in a brighter future and positive outcomes.Even if at the moment things are not going too great for you, you want to think that this is just a phase - you’ll eventually find someone to love, marry, have a good job and all that. RELATED: What Is Groupthink? How To Avoid This Common BiasAfter all, you’re probably not asking for fortune and fame. You just want that normal life that everyone wants.And why would you think about all the tragedies that can happen at one point? That can’t be healthy! The truth is, you don’t have to constantly think that bad things are going to happen to you, but you must acknowledge that life isn’t always beautiful or fair. When you underestimate the likelihood that negative events might occur in your life - you demonstrate the optimism bias.What Is the Optimism Bias?(Unsplash)As stated above, your brain has a built-in optimism bias. Where? - Within the frontal lobe. This part of the brain is in charge of your problem solving, social interactions and future planning. If you happen to be presented with information that is worse than what you expect, your frontal lobe simply doesn’t want to hear it.Let’s think of an example. Statistically speaking, about 50% of marriages in the United States end up in divorce or separation. Whether you knew this or not, no one wants to think about stats on their wedding day. RELATED: Open-Mindedness: 5 Practical Steps To Open Your MindYour brain doesn’t want to process information that will require you to negatively update your beliefs about your future.This phenomenon which is also often referred to as "the illusion of invulnerability," or "unrealistic optimism," leads us to believe that we’re more likely to be successful, live longer than the average, have smarter kids, and so on. But truth being told, we can’t all be above average.Factors That Contribute to Optimism Bias(Unsplash)One of the factors that contribute to making the optimism bias more likely to occur, is the way people in Western civilizations tend to raise their children. They are constantly encouraged to adopt a more positive outlook on life. After all, you can’t just step on a child 's dream and tell them from the get go that life might not treat them well.Most children are bombarded with messages about releasing their potential. They are told that nothing is impossible. But as they grow up, what will they do with all these affirmations when they realize that not everything is in their control? What happens when the entitlement and self-esteem built over so many years, disappear when we see that some things become “impossible” to do. RELATED: What Is the Google Effect, How Does It Hurt Your Mind – And What Can You Do About It?Maybe you’re thinking about constantly getting straight As and being the best at everything. Sadly, because of too much positive reinforcement and high expectations, disorders such anxiety and depression are diagnosed more than ever in those of younger ages.Some other factors that make the optimism bias to occur are:Infrequent events - most people think that they are less likely to be affected by hurricanes and other natural disasters because these don’t usually happen o a daily basis. Especially when you live in a more protective region.People experience optimism bias more when they think they have everything under control. It’s not that they believe that things will magically work out, but they are certain that their skills and knowledge will help them achieve their goal.The optimism bias also occurs if a negative event is perceived as unlikely. If someone believes that getting some sort of serious disease rarely happens, they are more likely to be unrealistic about the situation and expose themselves to all kinds of risks.The optimism bias doesn’t necessarily mean that we have an overly sunny outlook on our lives, but it can lead to poor decision making that often has disastrous outcomes. Some of these optimistic people believe they are invincible, they think they can abuse drinking, smoking or even more dangerous substances without having to face any health-related consequences. They would probably engage in other risky or unhealthy behaviors (not wearing the seatbelt, gambling, etc.) simply because they can’t imagine experiencing an adverse event or a negative consequence. So Why Are We Still Too Optimistic at Times?(Getty)Tali Sharot, cognitive neuroscientist and author of The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain, says that this bias is spread in cultures all over the world. She also states that while the optimism bias can sometimes lead to negative situations like recklessly engaging in risky behavior, it can also have its benefits.Researchers have revealed that among the various causes that lead to optimism bias are cognitive and motivational factors. RELATED: Sensory Deprivation Tank: What Are the Benefits of ‘Floating’?When we evaluate our risks, we compare ourselves to others around us, but we are also egocentric. Thus, we focus on ourselves instead of realistically analyzing how we compare to others.On the other hand, we do it because optimism gets us motivated. By believing that we are more likely to succeed in whatever we set our minds to, we have better self-esteem, lower stress levels, and it overall makes us feel better.Is There an Optimal Dose of Optimism?(Shuttershot)The world we live in gives us access to all kinds of information. We know from reading the news or by keeping up to date on social media that bad, tragic and even horrible things happen everyday. And we should be aware that they are also likely to happen to us. Yet, we chose to selectively update our beliefs about the future only in response to positive information.Optimism in certain dozes is good for our general well-being, but too much of it will probably lead you to make decisions you later might regret. Living in oblivion and thinking only positive thoughts can quickly turn into a state of severe shock if something horrible happens to you. Of course, the absence of positive expectations of the future is mostly associated with symptoms of mild depression and anxiety. So have those positive expectations, but try to find a balance. Rigorously analyze whatever decision you’re about to make and think about its outcomes. The right dose of optimism is the one that keeps you happy and healthy.KEEP READING:Train Your Brain to Shed Distracting Habits and Concentrate Better

An accepted belief in self-development circles and spiritual practice is that curiosity is a universally good thing. Curiosity is associated with open-mindedness, the desire to seek knowledge, to develop self-understanding. It’s lauded as a childlike state that makes you receptive to the wonders of the world, not taking things for granted, but enquiring into the deeper meaning behind surface-level truths. Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron even says that “the best spiritual instruction” is: “When you wake up in the morning and say, 'I wonder what's going to happen today.' And then carry that kind of curiosity through your life.”If there’s anything I’ve learned from over a decade of self-development and study into depth psychology, it’s this: everything has its shadow. As alchemist and philosopher Paracelsus famously stated: “the dose makes the poison.” RELATED: When Does Daydreaming Become A Problem?Curiosity isn’t beyond this. A recent study in the Journal of Research in Personality claims that, in certain doses, being inquisitive can have negative effects. Yes, even curiosity has a dark side.Here, we’ll break down the finer mechanics of curiosity, to better understand when it is useful, and when it can become a hindrance. Curious to find out more? Let’s dive in.The Conventional View: Curiosity Is All-Good(Unsplash)Before looking at its shadow, let’s first look at the standard view, that curiosity is a wholesome, positive quality. Curiosity is sometimes called the “joy of exploration,” an intrinsically motivated journey to discover new frontiers of knowledge. In psychological terms, this is epistemic curiosity, or the desire to learn new things. This applies as much to formal education as it does to the university of life. Curiosity opens the mind to new information, which develops understanding and challenges pre-existing beliefs. RELATED: How to Overcome AnxietyCuriosity, in this respect, is the willingness to accept that you don’t know everything, that knowledge is ever-evolving and not fixed. It’s absolutely crucial to learning. But there are other benefits, too. The University of Berkeley identifies six lesser-known benefits of curiosity:Curiosity helps us survive: through the process of learning about our environment and remaining vigilant, we develop new ways to adapt, heal, or prevent harm.Curiosity links to happiness: numerous studies show a positive correlation between curiosity, and overall well-being, although this could be a chicken-and-egg scenario if happier people are more open to learning new things.Curiosity makes us more successful: the desire to learn and explore relates to higher academic achievement and workplace success. It’s one thing to learn to pass exams, another to learn for the thrill of it.Curiosity boosts empathy: when applied to relationships, curiosity is a gateway to understanding the people, and cultures, around you.Curiosity improves relationships: an extension of the above, when people display higher levels of curiosity in people they relate with, their communication improves, and they’re generally happier.Curiosity improves healthcare: doctors who become more curious about patients end up treating them better, and patients feel more seen and valued. It’s safe to assume this applies to mental health approaches, too, such as therapy and coaching.In addition, the mindset of curiosity is a highly-optimized approach to life. It’s the type of approach that many philosophers and spiritual teachers encourage. Curiosity motivates us to digest knowledge, know more about others, or map our environment, but above all else, leaves us in a receptive state to learn about ourselves. In Buddhism, this is captured by non-judgemental awareness. In other words, rather than assuming your perspective on reality is true, you witness it with a beginner's mind, willing to have your perspective changed.The Psychological Framework of Curiosity(Unsplash)Psychology is the detection of patterns of human behavior in a methodological and structured way. Rather than dogmatic truths, it’s an ever-evolving body of knowledge that honors the scientific method of exploration. Psychology categorizes the nuances of the mind. In this way, it has much more in common with philosophies such as Buddhism and Hinduism than appears on the surface. Through research, psychologists started to discover that there were different forms of curiosity. What we’ve discussed so far is termed interest curiosity, the type of curiosity that does come with many positive benefits. It’s the motivational desire to learn new things. RELATED: How To Boost Your Dream Recall For Higher CreativityOn the other hand is deprivation curiosity. This type of curiosity comes from a place of lack and intolerance, it's motivated by discomfort towards uncertainty.There’s a noticeable difference in the qualities of the two forms of curiosity. People high in interest curiosity don’t need closure, instead, they remain open to novel information. They’re okay with ambiguity. These people show high levels of mastery over goals and skills, and display desirable personality traits and positive emotions. People with high levels of deprivation curiosity show the opposite. They seek information to reduce uncertainty or reach conclusions. Deprivation curiosity is associated with higher levels of anger, anxiety, and depression, and earns its "dark" label due to its link to the dark triad of personality.Intellectual Arrogance(Unsplash)The recent study into the dark side of curiosity looked at intellectual humility. This is the term given to the willingness people have to accept their current beliefs, or opinions, aren’t necessarily true. When learning or taking on new information, people with high levels of intellectual humility are flexible; they’ll look at the evidence, and update or revise their approach. People with low intellectual humility become close-minded and unwilling to update their views.Because deprivation curiosity links to the need to reduce uncertainty, people high in this trait tend to draw a line under their conclusions, rather than seek additional information. RELATED: The Tragic Tale of Nikocado and the Dangerous Effect Tik Tok Fame Has on Mental HealthThey arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, and, as if by magic, their curiosity stops, its purpose fulfilled. “Having your beliefs challenged can evoke uncertainty,” the study says. “Thus, the reason why highly deprivation curious individuals are less willing have their beliefs challenged may be that they like to avoid uncertainty.”The authors go as far as to refer to people high in deprivation curiosity as “intellectually arrogant,” which leads us to the main takeaway — if curiosity is motivated by a desire to remove uncertainty, your quest for knowledge could lead you, ironically, towards ignorance, rather than truth.Integrating the Learning(Unsplash)When I read this study, I started to reflect on my own approach to learning. I was disengaged at school and rebelled a lot in my teenage years. I lacked the curiosity to learn, it felt like a chore. At the same time, I found that my curiosity exploded when it came to psychology, philosophy, and the self. My thirst for knowledge was never-ending and remains that way. However, there have been times when I’ve searched from a place of deprivation curiosity, anxious to find out the practice, the piece of wisdom, that would improve my wellbeing.I realized that meditation has played a big role in making sure my thirst for knowledge remains balanced. Looking at this research, jumping to conclusions, and discomfort with ambiguity are key precursors to the regressive form of curiosity. Meditation is the practice of being comfortable with ambiguity and change, which allows for a more expansive approach to learning. It allows you to witness moments of confirmation bias, or cognitive dissonance, when exploring new information.To conclude with practical takeaways, here are pointers on how to make sure you’re staying within the self-enhancing boundaries of interest curiosity, and avoid the dark side:Always consider your motivation for learning: Are you doing so for the joy of exploration? Or are you looking to confirm a pre-existing belief or opinion? Beware of confirmation bias. Notice when new information conflicts with pre-existing views: this is when you become most vulnerable to deprivation curiosity, and the risk of dismissing new evidence and becoming “intellectually arrogant,” is high. Pay attention to whether you’re becoming defensive or narrow-minded with new information.Remember curiosity is open-ended: there’s a phrase, science is but mere passing fables. A truly inquisitive mind is always updating and integrating new insights, information, or alterative views. If you ever reach a solid conclusion, question it. Many “objectively true” scientific discoveries have later been proven untrue, such as Galileo’s discovery the Earth isn’t the center of the universe.Watch your ego: lastly, try not to conflate your identity with your worldview, your beliefs, or your perspective on things. If you do, you’ll likey become defensive or protective. Learn not for your ego, but for an accurate view of reality. Be willing to be humbled, not only by new evidence, but by differing views. Stay true to what feels right for you, but always take things on board.KEEP READING:How to Handle Morning Anxiety: Everything You Need to Know

Between my teenage years and early 20s, a series of bereavements hit me hard. My girlfriend’s mum, two uncles, two grandparents, and a friend, all died within the space of a few years. Without the emotional skills to support myself, I fell into a deep depression, entering a liminal space where I wasn’t feeling my pain, and wasn’t moving on, instead numb and dull to life’s experiences.Each loss affected me in a different way. I started to notice that each circumstance, each person, had a different effect on me. Some were easier to deal with than others. Years later, as I opened myself to the immensity of grief as part of a healing process, I discovered layer after layer of heartache that was never felt, because I didn’t allow it.RELATED: The Tragic Tale of Nikocado and the Dangerous Effect Tik Tok Fame Has on Mental HealthI didn’t allow it because I judged the experience as invalid. The clearest example was my girlfriend’s mum; I denied any pain because nothing compared to what my girlfriend was going through. I wasn’t entitled to feel. Yet the loss I felt, for a woman who I’d come to know well, was true and valid. Instead, I pushed it away, refused to feel it, until suppression resulted in a depression that wouldn’t shift.Many of us experience loss that we fail to validate or acknowledge. You might feel guilty or unentitled to feel the way you do. If you’re struggling to acknowledge pain following a loss, no matter how seemingly insignificant, you could be experiencing what psychologists call disenfranchised grief. Here, we’ll explore the finer details of this form of grief, before sharing a few pointers on how to heal.What Is Disenfranchised Grief?(Photo by Mojtaba Ravanbakhsh on Unsplash)The term disenfranchised grief was coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka in 1989, to describe “losses that people have that aren’t always acknowledged or validated or recognized by others. You can’t publicly mourn, receive social support or openly acknowledge these losses.” When someone close to you dies, such as a parent, sibling, or close friend, people generally recognize the loss and offer support. But what happens when the grief you feel doesn’t match the societal expectation of how it should feel?Doka developed the theory by researching people who lost an ex-partner. He noticed the repercussions of the loss not being validated in the same way as a current partner, despite a strong emotional connection or bond. When grief isn’t fully acknowledged, it can prolong the process, cause suppression, or create inner conflict or frustration.RELATED: These Dating Apps May Be Destroying Your Mental HealthIn an interview with Psychotherapy.net, Doka notes that most people misinterpret grief. “We often confuse it as a reaction to death,” he says. “It’s really just a very natural reaction to loss and so we can experience grief obviously when someone we’re attached to dies, but we can also experience it when we lose any significant form of attachment.” That includes the loss of relationships, objects, job status, or anything we become attached to.Eventually, Doka expanded the theory of disenfranchised grief to cover a wide range of losses that aren’t widely recognized. The main categories include:Deaths of relationships not fully legitimized: this includes teachers, clients, therapists, coaches, work colleagues, acquaintances, distant friends, and even the death of "parasocial" relationships, such as celebrities.Deaths under stigmatized circumstances: includes death from suicide, murder, or other socially challenging causes.Deaths not seen as “worthy”: the death or loss of a pet, a miscarriage or abortion, infertility, or the loss of birth parents through adoption.Non-death losses: this includes the loss of things of significance, the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a home, the loss of status. Even the loss of an imagined future falls into this category.Doka’s work highlights the issues caused by a narrow definition of acceptable grief and the fallout for people experiencing heartbreak in ways that aren’t socially recognized. Without the usual rituals or closure, or support that validates the pain, people can feel isolated and alone. In my experience, my pain caused mistrust in my emotional landscape, and confusion as to why I didn’t feel “normal.”Ultimately, we humans have big hearts and feel loss in a million different ways. None of these should be invalidated. Doka believes that “the pandemic of COVID-19 will be followed by a pandemic of complicated grief, because so many losses are disenfranchised,” meaning it is more important than ever to normalize and validate all forms of loss.Handling Disenfranchised Grief(Photo by Külli Kittus on Unsplash)Grief is a complex process, and if you’re struggling to handle the rollercoaster of emotions, the best option is always to reach out for support. Grief is unique to each individual, and each form of loss. Disenfranchised grief is a reminder that the grief people feel doesn’t match pre-existing templates of what is acceptable. We don’t get to choose this response; our hearts have their own ways of expressing pain. When the mind starts to ridicule, minimize, or invalidate the deeper expression of heartache, more suffering is caused. Above all else, the first significant step is being able to validate grief from within. Validation is an ongoing process. Doka notes that each of us tends to respond to grief on an emotional level, or a cognitive level, with everyone having their own unique blend. For some, the experience can be purely emotional, such as feeling waves of sadness, fear, or anger. All of this is welcome.RELATED: Is Social Isolation Affecting Your Mental Health? There’s a Term For ThatAn extension of validation is creating a personal form of closure. When grief is recognized, you’re able to go through a full grieving process (symbolized by a funeral when it comes to death). Without rituals, it’s hard to find closure. If your loss isn’t recognised by wider society, consider ways to create your own ritual. Recently, when I heard of the death of an old school friend I hadn’t spoken to in years, I was surprised by how sad I felt. I connected to the grief by looking at old photos on Facebook, and journaling about experiences we shared.Other rituals might include visiting a place where you had a shared memory, doing something to honor the relationship, writing a letter of gratitude, or dedicating a cause to the person. You can do this with non-death losses, too. Really feel into what this meant to you, what it offered, and what you’ll miss. Be with any emotions that surface through the process.Opening to the Fullness of Heartache(Photo by Sage Friedman on Unsplash)When reflecting on my early experiences of loss, I saw how much I judged my emotional responses. This wasn’t deliberate, but an unconscious process. Practicing mindfulness was a game-changer, as I developed the skill of non-judgment towards experience. I became present to the whole host of emotions, thoughts, and images that surfaced, without shaming them, wishing for them to be different. Trying to put a timeframe on grief is impossible. The more you’re able to witness it as a process that has its own intelligence and timing, the less resistance there will be, and the higher the capacity will become to be present to the fullness of heartache. Grief is incredibly painful, and when this pain isn’t recognized, it’s incredibly isolating. But know that only you can open yourself to the fullness of the experience, of the heartache. And within the pain, there lies an element of light, some transcendent quality of resilience, of healing, a reminder the pain you feel reflects the love you had for the things you’ve lost. As Rumi said:“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”KEEP READING:Man Loses 185 Pounds By Shifting His Mindset, Discovering His Passions